I AM IRATE

They should tell you if they're going to cut off HALF your blog! So read this one after the one after it. Can I just say very quickly that I HATE technology? Last night skype wouldn't work for Mom, facebook just deleted a loooong message I had written Clar, and now this...it makes staying sane by keeping in touch very difficult! Anway...the less long version...I was saying that I could tell by Cavit's expression that it was ok I was there so I did the only thing I could think to do, I prayed obviously. I heard Sheeren gagging a couple minutes later so they got her up and to the bathroom. I ran to get A and she came back down with the paramedics. "She's alive at least" she said to me in passing. As soon as they all went in, Vala came back to the kitchen, picked up Df's shirt, and resumed picking off the sparkles. "Give me that" I said and pointed to Sheeren's room. She looked at me, still visibly shaken, and left. I stood over the trash can, picking off pink sparkles for this ridiculous costume, shaking my head. I was bothered that Vala had been afraid to be still for a moment. "It shouldn't be like this." I said to a now, earily quiet kitchen. I stayed there until the paramedics left and looked at A when they walked out like "well" "It is psychological, a nervous breakdown." "About what?" "I'm trying to find out." Vala walked back out, "Tomom?" I asked (Are you ok?) she looked at me blankly...she had red rashes all over her body and was sweating like crazy. I hugged her and she squeezed me so hard. I just kept saying ok over and over again because I can't say anything else and I hate it! I let go when A came back but I held her hand while A spoke to her. Then I went back upstairs and started sewing, for lack of anything else to do. I waited until A came back and I asked if it was stress. "No it is pyschological." "I understand that, I mean was it an inability to handle stress, or are you saying it stemmed from something else?" "I don't know, it could be neurological, I think it's depression. She had a convulsion." "Well are you going to talk to her?" Shrug. "She has to want to see a therapist, maybe a pyschiatrist. Maybe medication." I shut my mouth then because I could see this wouldn't go anywhere positive. See, A is a physchoanalytical physchologist and a huge fan of Freudian doctrine. Though I respect a lot of the ideology and recognize Freud was a genius who essentially laid the groundwork for all of pyschology, I just think 85% of it is crap. And that isn't an educated statement...I say it because a lot of it just goes against who I am fundamentally as a person. It's all either subconcious or neurological, no room for emotions or spirituality which is fair bc I know it's not a science. "Now I have a stomach ache." "Are you ok? Besides that. You handled it very well." "You have to. I think it's because of the emergency." You mean you experienced the gut-wrenching fear of witnessing death but won't admit it, yes your stomach probably hurts. Vala came up with her juice, and was still shaking when she went to pour it. "Shake it!" A said. Are you kidding me? They talked about Sheeren a bit then Vala handed her Df's shirt. There was a hole where a sparkle had come off. "Oh no! There's a hole!" "You won't be able to see it." "Of course you will! Did she do this?" She pointed at Vala. Oh no. "No, I probably did. I mean, when could she have done it with all this going on? It's ok, I'll sew it." (I'm 90% sure I did do it.) She started trying to take them off herself, "this is hard." "Well yeah, they aren't meant to come off..." "Oh no! I ripped it!" "See, it could happen to anybody." Silence. Oh well. So. Over. It. After Vala sewed the holes she left and I asked if she was ok. "I know! Did you see all those red rashes." "Well she was terrified!" Shrug. When Christine and Eren came home they talked about it like gossip...in TURKISH! How rude! Christine and I were sitting right there! "Apparently, she got some bad news today about her mother's health, but of course, that isn't all of it." The lack of compassion in this house is so heavy, that sometimes it's hard for me to breathe. I know that's not a normal response, but I can't get rid of it. I gave up on the stupid mane of the lion at a little after one, half done. We decided it would be plenty for dress rehearsal, so I went to bed, tried talking to mom on skype which failed, and lights out at about 2. I laid awake for over an hour though, talking with God about my night and coming to the conclusion that I was very bothered by the nights events. I can't figure out why people live like this, where the line is between firm and cold, why people don't realize sometimes we all just need to be held? Why can't people ever just...hold each other? A never touched any of them, not once. I can't speak for when she was in her room though, I was not there. God was good to me in that this morning, the kids were very good and we got ready on time. I went back to bed for a couple hours after then got up, showered, and sat down to write this mess. I needed to get it out of my head. I asked A how Sheeren was, she was up serving her breakfast (no day off I see). "She's fine. She passed out, she doesn't have a disease." "She was out for over twenty minutes!" Cavit came up to check on me later and asked me if I wanted some toast. I forgot I hadn't eaten...I forget to eat here a lot. I tried to tell him I'd fix it but no good. So I went down with him and watched. By toast he seemed to have meant some form of pressed bread with some kind of cream cheese in between. He gave me a coke with a nice glass and a red apple. He even put the TV on an English channel AFTER offering to send me upstairs so I could keep typing (You'd think a conversation occurred amist all this but it was just broken Turkish, English, and hand gestures). I could tell he'd been paying attention to what I liked. This is the same guy who came home from the grocery store the other day and said "Ket len!" and I looked to find him hold up a gloriously American jar of Peter Pan peanut butter. God Bless him. I was ready for dinner at 5:30 as I'd been instructed but started to panic at 6:15 when I hadn't heard from anyone and the floor was pitch black dark. Finally, Cavit came and got me, drove me to the boat, and finally A called, "Caitlin, walk straight when you get off the boat and out the gate, we're in the car." So I did only to find the gate is locked, I turned to call to Tyfun (captain) but he was gone and I was locked against the freakin' Bosphorus sea in a dark ally. Luckily, I ran to the other side and got out there. We went to a kabab place and we ate so much I'm about to explode. On the way home, A asked if I'd seen Sheeren. "Yeah I saw her around" (she looks like hell). "Did she straighten the living room?" "Well, I wasn't there the whole time (lie) but when I came in it was clean so someone did it." I was there, I picked my feet up while Cavit mopped it and picked up my computer while he dusted. What else could I do? I saw what happened last time she was yelled at. I must go...long day tomorrow, the kids have playdates. PS in case you were wondering, the costume was a hit and the paws were her teachrs favorite part.