And...

this is something I read from Purpose Driven Life that really encouraged me as well. I think it's a good reminder of how God uses his people:

The great missionary Hudson Taylor said, "All God's giants were weak people." Moses' weakness was his temper. It caused him to murder an Egyptoan, strike the rock he was supposed to speak to, and to break the tablets of the Ten Commandments. Yet God transformed Moses into "the humblest man on earth."
Gideon's weakness was low self-esteem and deep insecurities, but God stransformed him into a "mighty man of valor". Abraham's weakness was fear. Not once, but twice, he claimed his wife was his sister to protect imself. But God transformed Abraham into "the father of those who have faith." Impulsive, weak-willed Peter became a "rock," the adulterer David became "a man after my own heart" and John, one of the arrogant "Sons of Thunder," became the "Apostle of Love." The list could go on and on "It would take too long to recount the stories of the faith of...Barak, Samson, Jephtah, David, Samuel, and all the prophets...their weakness was turned to strength."(Hewbrews 11:32-34) God specializes in turning weaknesses into strengths.

I was too lazy to put all of the bible verses but there you have it. I just wanted to share :)

"Living in this House is FULL On"-Suzzie

"Working in this house is full on. You have to be quite a strong person to live among this because the hierarchy mentality and shallowness and jealousy starts to chip away at you and bit by bit, you can really go a bit mad. I just wanted to take you aside and tell you that when you feel like you're going crazy...it isn't you."
"Ah good to know."

And so began my conversation with Suzzie. The Austrialian Tango Dancer who came before Daisy (the one they hated). They loved Suzzie though and I see why. Cavit told me she has a big heart...and I can see that too. She certainly did have the advantage though in being able to speak Turkish. She told me Sirin and Cavit and Elyda are all raving about my parents, that they were the warmest people. It's true, they are. Poor Cavit...he can't say "Cathy" to save his life. It's just..."Catfee".

So anyway...we had a really wonderful conversation about A.
I was telling her that there are really several things I admire about her and she said...
"No, I really quite love A. But she's f***ing pyscho." and I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

We did lots of comparisons and it affirmed some of the things I was feeling myself. That once they get off Turkish soil, A (especially) is suddenly much more laid back...almost cool even. But once we step back on land...it's like it's back to the "I am in charge, you are my slave"mentality. She yelled for like two days straight at everyone when she came back from New York! It's soo true though...the atmosphere among the elite is so oppressive. I don't know if it's just Turkey or everywhere. There's so much show and shine...it's quite sad.

I had that realization on the way back from London when I was thinking about some of the fits A threw. Then it was like a light bulb went off... When your whole life, all you know is self-serving, why would it ever occur to you that the people around you aren't there to make your life more comfortable. And when pleasure is the highest thing you can seek...imagine what your sense of self and purpose must be. How empty. And I was suddenly very sad. To my dissapointment though, the compassion left as quickly as it came so Suzzie was a godsend.

I don't feel that posting everything we discussed would be exactly respectful to A. She isn't some character in a book for our viewing pleasure...she is a real person and I need to try harder to respect that. I will just say that Suzzie gave me a lot more insight into her life and it was the insight I needed to see her more as the Lord sees her...a broken and vulnerable child, just like the rest of us. So I've made some resolutions...
-Approach A with more unconditional love
-Stop avoiding the chances for quality time when they are presented
-And stop making faces or talking poorly about her with Sirin, Cavit, and Elyda. If I'm going to decide to "love" her, I can't only do it to her face

Also, something else encouraging was Suzzie's reminder that now with Sira gone (Damar's mother and the woman that set this up with my aunt- they were very close and she was wonderful and I would have loved to have met her) the kids are the light and the warmth of this house and family.

I've spent all this time complaining to God about how he put me in a situation where I have no gifts...how am I supposed to serve him like this when I have nothing to give? Then he reminded me gently that I had felt convicted once upon a time that something he graciously gifted me with was recogonizing the best in others and nurturing it. This is the most I've been stretched and I've never worked with children in this capacity, but that is essentially what I feel called to do...with the Lord's help, guide their steps and nurture the kindness and warmth that the world they live in will inevitably stomp out if it isn't strengthened. It's super hard...and I am not equipped to do it...but that's why God puts thorns in our side, so we remember how much we need him and don't get too far ahead of ourselves...which I am prone to do.

So that was a real Godsend...and I've really been working hard trying to put it into practice and I can see little ways it has paid off. One of the biggest, though it may seem small to you was the other night...

Df has taken it upon herself to stop sleeping through the night...I won't go into it because it only makes me angry at this point (it's been going on for over three weeks) but I've started her on Matilda which she really likes and I make it a special thing we do together before bed so her mind is distracted before she sleeps. Well on this particular night, Df asked me to just lay in bed next to her because it would be easier...I say no because I usually just sit on the edge but she convinces me so I'm laying next to her and A walks in and says, "you are curled up in her bed with your clothes on" and her voice is just dripping with disgust. All I could think was well yeah, I feel like it would be really inappropriate if I didn't have my clothes on. So I just kind of look at her with a questioning look on my face.

"You were wearing those clothes all day and you were outside them and...UCK" followed with a shaking of her whole body. So I go to get up but I am positive I had a look on my face that said, "This is a whole new form of stupid" So she asks, "Would you do that home?"
"Get in a bed with my clothes on? Yes."
"Americans are more relaxed about those things aren't they?"
"Yeah...we don't worry about all the possibilities of germs as much...we're not scared of sweat either. (I had to add that...it drives me nuts) Our kids don't wear undershirts and we don't think it makes us sick"
"Do you get in bed with your shoes on? Because they do it in the movies."
"No...that doesn't even make sense. That's actual dirt..."
She pauses. "I guess we are kind of uptight about those things aren't we?"
I couldn't believe it. A tiny concession.
"My mother for instance" she says, "Won't let any one in her room with their shoes on, but I'm not like that at all. So maybe Df, the next generation, will be more relaxed"
"Maybe..that would be nice." What do you say to that?
"Ok, go ahead."
"No, it's ok. I appreciate when you tell me these things because otherwise I won't know they are a problem since my mind doesn't think like that. I know yours does and I try to respect thatso if it makes you uncomfortable I won't do it."
"No, it's ok, we can be more relaxed."

Now, I know this seems small...but I can gaurentee you if that had happened in the first two months...it would have been yelling and that's it. I probably wouldn't even have spoken.

Then that same night, after I put Df to bed, she asked me to watch a movie. I told I had to shower and I had already seen what she was watching...so she told me to shower quickly and chose another one! Considering it was one of the worst, most vulgar movies I have ever seen, I was surprisingly comfortable. It wasn't like last time at all. We shared food and opinions and it's annoyingly clear there is little we agree on in the ways of the world, but we were comfortable in each other's presense. That is huge.

Anyway...I've been writing this over the course of like 5 hours so I've really lost my train of thought. I should just go to bed. Between writings, Df made me a painting that said Best Friends Forever. Bless her. And I videochatted with David Cotrone which was super exciting. He told me how IV Leadership retreat and it made me waaaay jealous I wasn't there and even more pumped to come back and start next semester...but I MUST live in the present.

Ok...love to you from Turkey.

"As You Did Warn Me Carpenter, This World Has Weekend My Heart...

...so easily I disparage.
Self-seeking the work of my art."


"But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

-Matthew 5:39-42

That's all.

I Hear There Was a Secret Chord

So I'm too tired to say anything of substance...

but Sirin hugged me tonight and told me we were friends even though we didn't speak the same language.

And that made me feel all warm inside.

At dinner tonight, A told me I forgot all about E tonight because I was too focused on myself. I couldn't tell if she was trying to make a joke and used bad English...or if it was really a bad move to get seconds on the chicken and withhold from forcefeeding him his.

Oh well. She seemed fine later when she asked me what she should do about the dog's constant humping. I had little wisdom to offer.

We put down a deposit on the Red Door House. It's finally over and it's the place we always wanted. I'm so pumped...and relieved.

PS if you have any furniture, floor pillows, etc. laying around you want to donate to our cause, feel free :)

I'm going to skype later than I should now...

I've been awfully homesick lately.
Love to you.

The back porch

Ring Around the Rosie

So London really was a nice trip. It was nice to be with just our family and notice the change in dynamics. For example, A was much cooler and this trip was really good for me to see another side of her.

We got there Thursday night at about 10:30 London time (12:30am our time) so I put the kids to be right away and then they woke up at 5 the next morning...I kept them in bed for like an hour and a half more but it was too late...we were all up. I took them down for breakfast and it was so nice to have more American like food. The pastries and fruit and cereal and pancakes! It was joyous. Then we all got ready and headed out to Lego Land for E's birthday. It was a kid's amusement where almost everything is made of Lego's! I couldn't believe it! Of course it rained and was freezing the whole time but I was really impressed how good of a sport everyone was about it. Especially A...she never tried to cut it short or complain, even though her suade shoes were soaking and she hates to be cold. Even after she got to the point where she had had enough, she merely stated it and waited patiently until we could all make our way back.

After we all got cleaned up we went to Scalinini's for E's birthday dinner and they brought a cake from Harvey Nichol's. I had veal...and some kind of alcholic drink D offered me. It was quite good.

Saturday...it all kind of blurs together. I know we went to Herrod's...several times. It's unbelievable the amount of stuff they have in that place. We saw Wicked...the kids didn't like it at all. A asked me why American's cried when they were moved. Etc. One day we went to Hamley's (one of the biggest toy stores). One day Musuem of Natural History. One day London Dungeon's...a haunted house type deal that depicts all the famous killers from the area...Jack the Ripper, Sweeny Todd, etc. We were all kind of worried it would be too much for E while Df made fun of A for being scarred...but Df was the one too scared to sleep that night. And A asked me if she could hold my hand. I was surprised but of course said yes.

On Sunday I had made several comments about missing Easter and as we drove by a church D said, "It's your holiday. If you want to go you can meet us later." I was very thankful they offered but they didn't understand the concept of finding out the times of the services, I had no money to get back, I didn't know where they were going, and my cell phone didn't work there...so it wasn't plausible which made me sad but still appreciative. A asked me what Easter was exactly and I was excited to answer but somehow the subject got changed.

A left on Monday for New York and they had tickets for Oliver Twist that night but hadn't been able to get me a ticket so D said I could go do whatever I wanted. I said I really wanted to do one of the double decker sight seeing tours so I could do something really Londony. He said when they did it, it was a waste of time but how else would I get to see those things?! So I left them in Covet Garden after exchanging some money and took a taxi to the nearest hop on point. I got on to ask about tickets and he said I had just missed it by 20 minutes...they stopped selling tickets at 6. He gave me a map and told me my best bet would be to take a taxi down to Parliment Square and try to see the sites myself. I asked a cabbie how much it would cost (because I only had so much) and he said about 8 pounds he thought but could only take me so far because there ws a hunger strike demonstration down there and everything was blocked off. It ended up being 12 pounds but he only charged me 8 because that's the number he had given me. Isn't that nice?

I walked around by Big Ben, House of Parliment, Westminister Abby, Buckingham Palace etc. and absolutely everything was closed. I saw on the tourist map that Kensington Gardens had a Peter Pan statue in it (because that's where JM Barrie, the man who wrote the play, met the family he wrote it about) and I thought...this will be the saving grace of this wild goose chase. So I get in ANOTHER taxi who takes me down and it's 8 by then. Apparently the park closes at dusk, "Better hurry" the cabbie said. "And I think the statue is right on the right around the corner" Well this is the size of the Kensington Gardens:

(It's the tiny black mark in the top right-I came in on the left bottom red dot)

And right around the corner was more like in the middle of now where, miles away. I hunted for this thing like the holy grail, thinking if I can just see this ooooone thing, it won't be a waste. But alas, I never found it so I tried to take some pictures at least, proving I was in the same place JM Barrie once was, and then the police came and told me I was going to get it stolen and that the robbers came out at night SO I headed on my way.

I walked alllll the way back to the hotel thinking, I'll at least grab myself some dinner along the way because I don't have enough for dinner and a taxi. Well it turns out, silly me forgot we're staying on the street where only they have upscale shops. No food. So at this point, I'm so irritated I say, I will order the cheapest thing on room service. I look and it's a chicken sandwish with "crisps". Perfect, after all of this, by god, I will at least have fries.

It comes up later (1o by this point) and I open the tray to see the sandwich and LETTUCE. "It said it came with crisps! Where are the fries!" I cry out in despair. "Oh, sorry love. Lettuce are crisps." Don't you "love" me. "OF course, thank you very much."

So that was my wild goose chase adventure. They got back around 10:45 and went to bed. D and I were up until 12:30 packing everything. We got up the next day, went to breakfast, went to Hyde Park, and met a friend of D's for lunch. Along the way, I bought postcards and a Tshirt, determined to do something touristy, and a bear for Andrew from Herrods. (I had to get something there.) Then we headed to the airport, waited, boarded, etc. Luckily, I got a seat on the aisle next to them and the kids slept the whole time. They went to bed when we got back and luckily slept past 8 each morning until they went back to school on Monday.

I don't even want to talk about the time inbetween Tuesday and Monday when they went back to school because it was not a pleasant experience. Kids coming and going all the time while we never left the house...E was whiney and cranky as could be..his friends were little poop heads...I got a taste of what summer would be and began to feel very hopeless. But I'm past it now. A came back on Sunday and spent some time yelling and screaming to re-establish herself as the head honcho but things are starting to settle in now.

The kids have NATIONAL CHILDREN'S DAY tomorrow and Friday off...only in Turkey.

I am not pleased.

So I took my day off yesterday but that is another blog I think.

Enough time in front of the computer. I need to get out of my room some before E gets home.

Laura is still in Morocca and Patria's been working. Everyone else has been busy so I've had NOTHING to do, which has been bad for my head. Next week will be better. Back to normal.

Love to you.

Underwear, I mean underway.

So, I must sleep now I think.
But I plan on blogging about the following soon:

1. My London trip
2. My conversation with the famous Tango Suzzie (two nannies ago, from Australia, tango dancer, loved by the kids...and now me.)
3. This intriguing day off I just had.

The title is from today. Nige was trying to tell me how to get somewhere using the underway but he accidently called it "underwear"....followed by:

"Ceit, do not laugh."

:)

PS I posted some pictures from London on facebook tonight at least. More to come.

I'll Be Seeing You

Hmm what can I say? Everything about the past two weeks has just FLOWN by.

It was so incredibly wonderful having Mom and Dad here and getting to visit with Aunt Ann and Dougie. We had a nice balance of touristy things and just regular everyday stuff so they could get a better picture of what life is like here for me. We did a tour bus one day and stopped at Dalmabace Palace which was quite a site to see. (PS: D's father and mother got married in the palace down the street since D's dad's dad was such good friends with ATTATURK!)

We did all the bazaar's of course...Arasta, Spice, and Grand (several times), lots of eating out, Museum of Modern Art (where I discovered D had at least two of the artists' works hanging in our living room...).

But we also ran some errands to malls/grocery stores, had dinner here at the house one night, I took them to Bebek for a waffle, Orktakoy for a jacket potato, Patria's for tea which was lovely (Sidenote: she had some friends from New Zealand in who were backpacking for six months. They were a young married couple and it made me really want to do it...and wonder if I'd marry a man who would do such a thing with me and still like me when it was over haha)...etc. And aside from it taking over two hours to get here in the rain on public transportation and A throwing a hissy fit, dinner was quite nice. I hadn't seen the kids in three days and we had missed each other, they both sat by me at dinner and we talked pretty much the whole time. A had pulled out all the stops- candles, fancy place settings, appetizers, made the kids dress nice, wine, etc. The conversation was fairly comfortable and having my family there with me gave me the courage to show them a bit of the me they choose not to see... the sarcastic, sometimes loud, fairly outspoken girl from the states :) I hadn't realized how much of me is suppressed here until my family was here. But on the other hand, it has allowed a lot of other parts of me to emerge that I didn't know existed so I'm trying not to be bothered. Regardless, I think it was good for them to see I am someone's daughter, someone's neice, someone's somebody...not just someone who showed up at their doorstep to serve them.

I will say, I had no idea how starved I was for human contact...I was shameless when it came to forcing my dad into rubbing my back EVERY night (something I never even wanted before) and the last night, I made Mom sit beside me until I fell asleep. It was a little pathetic really but it's interesting to see how relational God has made us. We were not made to be alone.

Anyway, they left Thursday morning and it made me sadder than I expected. Though it was a long day, I was happy to have leaving for London the same day as a distraction. I apparently sucked it up in all things the whole day but it was amazing how little I cared. I just wanted to be getting on a plane with Mom and Dad to the states instead of to London with a family that wasn't mine. I didn't even really respond to A's "We're going on a trip now, you need to get your act together." I think she was surprised by my indifference and said, "You are sad you're parents left?" I only nodded because I didn't want to talk about it because I was afraid I'd get all girly. She just said, "I can tell that," and that was the end of it. She was perfectly nice from then on out.

I'll get to London later...now I must sleep. But I posted some pictures from Mom and Dad's visit on facebook just now.

Love to you.

:(

Mom and Dad headed off today,

my heart was a little heavier than I anticipated but I'm so grateful for the time we got to spend together and it was really nice to see Aunt Ann and Doug as well.

Yilmaz is picking me up in less than an hour...I'm meeting the kids at school to do a cake for E's birthday then we're all going to the airport...at least I think that's the plan. London here we come.

I'll try to sort through the millions of pictures and maybe blog while I'm there but who knows how it will be!
I'll leave a couple for now :)

From top to bottom:

Dinner at the Armada with some of Ann and Doug's friends

Dad and I on the street by the hotel

Mom and I infront of Dalmabace Palace

Aunt Ann and I at Pandilli, above the Spice Market

HOT DOG!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I leave at 9:30 tomorrow morning to go with A to the other side with my bags then Yilmaz is getting me to GO TO THE AIRPORT! Mom and Dad get in at 9:55am. AHHHHHH! I cannot wait!

Knowing I'm going to be with them and Aunt Ann and Doug and FREE for a week has made everything about the last two LONGS weeks barable. E's three sick days, the kids' long weekends, being sick, E's tantrums, etc...all ok.

BUT, I had an excellent day off Tuesday. Laura and I went to this huge Sali Bazzaar (Tuesday Market) in Kadikoy that we've been trying to go to for over a month. It was soooo fun! It was beautiful outside and we found so many good buys! Then I met up with Nige (Necdet), our friend we met three years ago at the hotel, and it was so nice. We met with a friend of his, went bowling, he helped me run some errands, we ate, he put me on a bus with his friend to my next destination, then I hung out by myself at a mall until Levent (a friend of Laura's, and now mine I suppose, I like him a lot) picked me up and we met Laura in Ortakoy and it was my first night out with people and it was delightful. It's so nice to get out in the city and see how normal people live. I'm definitely making some changes after London. I'm going to see about adjusting the time off so I can stay out all night and come back in the morning (sleep at Patria's). I need to have some normal time with people.

Today, I finally met Abby (a teacher of Df's from New York) for lunch and it was sooo great! We're experiencing a lot of the same things and have similar outlooks on it. We spent two hours together chatting over lunch and dessert at various places in Besiktas. We decided we needed to do it regularly for our own sake, and she says she's homesick for sane Americans so I'm going to invite her out with me and the family one day. She said she'd love that. Then she escorted me to the mall to get something for the kids and the store was closed! But it wasn't a waste because I used the boot money my grandma sent me to get some boots from Bambi and some scarves I've had my eye on from Mavi. Yay! Then I went to take the bus back...and I'm on it for MAYBE five minutes when I'm informed all roads to where I need to go are CLOSED! So I call Patria, slightly panicked, asking what I should do. She says, Taxi would probably be the best avenue, more costly but head off the chance of not making it back before the kids. So I get in the cab, show the driver my address, and he drives for a bit and then gets out to ask where he's going! Meanwhile, I have to pee like a racehorse and he comes back to the car FIVE minutes later all confused. PS the meter is running the whole time. I call Patria who talks to him and when I talk to her again she told me, "Get out of the taxi, he's ripping you off" So I tell him "dur" (stop) and he keeps going. "Dur, dur, DUR". I throw him some money and get out to call another taxi and HE DOESN't KNOW WHERE I'M GOING! So I have to call her again and she explains it to him and we get stuck in traffic and I'm about to expload from needing to use the restroom. Finally, over 40 lira later we get there by five, half an hour before the kids get home. Crisis averted.

Anyway, I must go. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy then finishing packing for tomorrow! I'm going to pre-celebrate with oreos and milk :) Ahhhh!
Pictures and posts in about a week, I suppose.
Love from Turkey :)