"FayetteVegas"

Everytime I come back it feels like I haven't been here forever...but I was just here for Christmas! However, I haven't been here during this time of year for almost two years! I forgot I was gone last summer.

It wasn't that I wasn't looking forward to coming home for a little bit, and I was DEFINITELY looking forward to the cruise, I was just going through the motions of getting things done to get back so much, that I felt like the whole ride home God was telling me to calm the heck down.

I worked Saturday and Sunday so I didn't do quite as well with the preparing in advance thing as I had hoped. In fact, I did really poorly when I decided to go to dinner and a movie with friends when I got off work on Sunday night instead of packing. But I don't even care, it was so worth it. Toy Story 3, SO CUTE. I felt like a kid the for 103 minutes and it was glorious. It was so well done and everyone sitting around me was cracking up too. So worth the distraction!

Anyway, I didn't get home 'til midnight and was up too late which always flusters me when I'm traveling the next day. I have learned that traveling, at least since I've gotten back from Turkey, really flusters me. I think I forgot what it was like before it was a really stressful experience. I should really, really work on that. I'll start practicing with my cruise in a couple of days.

Anyway, I got off late on Monday and was all kinds of worried that I'd fall asleep driving...not to alarm anyone, but cars really do put me right to sleep, whether I'm riding or driving. Risky, I know. However, my friends who saw my status asking to be checked on delivered very nicely. Rob had burned me an audio book called Stuff Christians Like by Jon Acuff. I really suggest you checking it out, I cracked up. Go to stuffchristianslike.net The website called it a "satirical grenade". I would agree with that.

So really it turned out to be a very pleasant drive! The laughing made it go quickly and it was peppered with random fun phone calls (I just used the word "peppered"!) and as I drove into Fayetteville I came in on the back roads and it was BEAUTIFUL. Whenever I picture this place in the summer I see red...red clay, dead trees, DRY but it was so LUSH. Everything was covered in green and I came in through fields and pastures and the setting suns and I really felt like God was saying, "Ok Caitlin, it's time to be quiet". I was so concentrated on what was going on before I left with friends and work and packing and what not that I forgot there was a reason God was bringing me home for a week before the total rest and relaxation of thecruise.

It's hard to explain without getting into too much detail but there are some things I feel like God is ready to...stip off of me so to speak so that I can get to know Him again in a way that doesn't depend on anyone else. I think for a while my relationship with God has been contingent on my relationship with other people. I feel like He's asking me to come back and look Him in the face instead of everyone else's. Does that make sense? I can just see it since I've been home...in the time I've gotten to spend with my family without the distractions of any other old friends being home. In my lunch with Melissa, my old small group leader, who I LOVE. My late Father's Day date with my dad...mind blowing! He had me thinking of so many things I've pushed to the side, it isn't even funny.

Yes, the cruise in four days is going to be so fun and so relaxing and I just about can't wait. But it's also going to be riddled with distraction and hussle and bussle and I really think God is calling me to relax in Him NOW. I'm learning I don't really know how. But I'm so thankful that He knows the ins and outs of me so well that He knew I'd never figure it out going straight from school to the cruise without a second thought. He dragged me all the way back to FayetteVegas (As Ryan Day calls it) to remind me how much I need Him.

Isn't God cool like that?

I just realized how boring this post was. I apologize. I think it's because I'm a little bored too. I apologize.

I'll post some pictures instead.

Brandi Carlile Concert in Jacksonville

SO GOOD.

Look up her new album, Giving up the Ghost and listen to "Dying Day" SOOOO GOOD.

To celebrate summer and the end of summer classes, we had a Ladie's Night in Jacksonville at the Cheesecake Factory. So fun!

I love our porch :)

And all the people who visist on it :)

Roommate pictures! Debrah and Charry!

This is True.

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.
He bestows rain on the earth;
he sends water upon the countryside.
The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety.
He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
so that their hands achieve no success.
He catches the wise in their craftiness,
and the schemes of the wily are swept away.
Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
at noon they grope as in the night.
He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth."
-Job 5:9-16

That's all.

Stupid Sheep

It is 2 am and I am WIRED.
Which is bothersome because I have a training for my new job at 9 til 12 then I have class from 12:30 to 3:15 then Iron Man! It's a long day!

We had a birthday party here for Kelly's 30th tonight and it was super fun! We had grilled pizzas with a crap load of toppings and played Catchphrase and Debrah made Strawberry Shortcake Cake and Ryan brought Moosetracks icecream and we took lots of silly pictures and after the boys left we watched 13 Going on 30!

I'm so giddy for absolutely no reason and I can't calm myself down enough to fall asleep! I tried for a real long time so now I'm watching Private Practice on Hulu...which is also bothersome because the story line has gotten terrible and I'm embarrassed I still watch it.

Ok...
Try Two.

PS CRUISE IN 46 DAYS!

Play-Doh Monkeys and Temper Tantrums

Maybe I'll be better at this now that it's summer...and my life has slowed down quite a bit. For now anyway. I went back and read a couple of old posts and it was so strange. For some reason, I don't like doing it. I remember how I felt and the place I was in spiritually when I wrote them and going back there kind of makes my belly hurt. Isn't that bizarre? However, I do remember how much it helped me to process things and I'm feeling that need today. So I think a blog post, my Waterdeep Pandora station, and a cup of Fage yogurt should do the trick right now.

I spent this past weekend in St. Pete with Courtney and Mikey and Andrew. Courtney had a meeting from 9-4 on Saturday and Mikey had to work so I stayed with Andrew. I also got to spend Mother's Day with Courtney so it was all around...a sweet deal. Courtney is a great mom and I'm so proud of her!

Andrew and I had lots of fun drawing pictures and making Play-doh monkeys and painting Mother's Day cards and watching Thomas the Train DVDs and of course, playing with trains and cars. When I started thinking about it, it was the first time we've ever had a significant amount of qualitity time, just him and I, since he was born! It was so nice to learn the little things that God has used to make him uniquely him- things I had never gotten to notice before. For example, he has such specific attention to detail! He noticed a little spider on the other side of the glass door from across the room! And then we layed on our tummies infront of it for a good fifteen minutes discussing all it's physical characteristics that could help us create a fitting name. I believe Silly Legs was the final choice. And he's such a goof ball! We would be so silly together! I forgot how liberating a child's acceptance of pure, unadultrated silliness is. I said, "You are such a goofball!" He giggled. "Yep Aunt Caitlin! Sometimes, I'mmmmm a goofball!"

He's such a good helper too! I found myself going into Nanny mode when left alone with a child for so long and I hated it about myself. But I didn't even need some of my instincts! Before I could even ask, he was already helping me clean up when we were done with something. When I didn't know where he was and ran to make sure something wasn't broken, he would be pulling up his stool to do exactly what he needed to be doing. It blew me away. This kid was more advanced in a lot of ways than Emre! (I would attribute that to A. proactive parenting-or any kind of parenting for that matter and B. the value we place on independence in our family- or our society, if we were to compare the two).

It surprised me how conditioned I was in Turkey...in a really not good way. I had to remind myself over and over again that it was okay for Andrew's shoes to not match his outfit and if he wanted to run around in his T-shirt and underwear...that was okay. If he didn't have a full bath and was chilly for a second, no one was going to yell and if he didn't eat a certain thing Courtney wasn't going to be mad at me. I found myself contantly adhering to rules that had made me fear failure for so long...I had to keep telling myself "you don't have to follow those rules anymore, Caitlin. Take it easy."

I'm beginning to wonder how many other things I am carrying around from that experience that I should let go of. Like I don't remember having this fear of trusting other people to do things I feel I should be doing before I went to Turkey. Asli had very regimeted roles each person was supposed to play in the house and when we tried to help each other, she always found out and it always blew up in our face. I remember so much yelling in that house. SO much yelling. It's strange how this coming August, I'll have been back for a whole year yet sometimes, I still have to remind myself that if I let people help me, no one will yell at me. In fact, there's a good chance that no one will even be mad at me. Isn't that absurd?! I discovered this all from a day with my three-year old nephew!

Another thing I felt like God was trying to drive home to me actually came out of the worst temper tantrum I have EVER seen Andrew throw. For the record, we didn't have a single problem together :) However, when Mommy came home and told him we were going to the mall, he was NOT feeling it. She had told him if he was good, he could get an ice cream and a book before he left. Well, he was not good so therefore did not get the ice cream and book. When he discovered that he wasn't, in any way, going to get what he wanted, all Hell broke loose. All the way back to the car, he asked Courtney to leave him alone, then started crying, then started SCREAMING at the top of his lungs and when she picked him up he flailed all around and eventually bit her on the face. As she is my sister, I had to restain myself from snatching all his hair out when I saw that, but I must say, I admired her restraint. She didn't kill him or even act like she wanted too. However, when she ran into the grocery store, she left him behind and I sat with his screaming. I told her not to worry, I'm not really phased by temper tantrums anymore. Emre set the bar pretty high.

As soon as Courtney got out and didn't take him, he freaked out again on a whole different level.
"I WANT TO GO WITH MOMMY!"
"Why? You just bit Mommy in the face."
"BUT I WANT HER!"

Later that night, before I fell asleep I was chatting with God about the day and I got the strangest visual of me behaving towards Godexactly as Andrew had towards Courtney. "Excuse me!" I thought. I am not a temper tantrum thrower, thank you very much! Even when I was little Mom said I never did. She said "you always regulated your feelings freakishly well." But then I started being confronted with a lot of questions I didn't want to answer.
-How many times have you been aware of all I have to offer you, but done what you wanted anyway, knowing it was wrong and would end badly?
-How many times have you gone from demanding I leave you alone to running from me to being blatantly angry with me when I didn't give you what you thought you deserved?
- How many times have I tried to hold you and you not only squirmed away but HURT me out of your own selfishness?
and the worst
-How many times have you treated me like that then been scared shitless (excuse me) when you thought I had left? How many times have you waited to want me when you were scared, when you were sad, when you were hurt?

I wasn't comfortable with the answers, the honest ones anyway, to any of these questions. Ifelt extraordinarily humbled. As if God was reminding me, "no matter how strong you think you are or how much you think you've got figured out, you are still just a child. But you are my child. And you need me. However, you have to know that you need me...or you'll just be the kid screaming hysterically in the backseat when things didn't go their way.

Do we know that we need God? Not just want him around when things are hard but actually NEED him, no matter how things are. Andrew didn't understand that he needed his mom. In fact, he knew he wanted something so much that he'd rather reject and hurt her. He waited to need her until he was scared he had lost her. The honest answer is, I don't know I need God. I feel like if I were to honestly look at my life, it would reflect my desire to 1. Wait to spend time with God when things are terrible and 2. My desire to cry out to God for other people. I almost always leave myself out of the equation. The reality that I need God for ME, not as the answer I give other people, but because I am a sinner, because I don't have everything figured out, because I don't know what's best for me...that reality has completely slipped my mind.

It doesn't surprise me that God had to completely take me away from everything I use to distract myself before I could hear what he's been trying to tell me for a couple of months now. My prayer is that God will start taking down whatever wall I have around my heart that keeps me from understanding my need for Him, and also his love...that I need him not because he's some demanding, over-baring father, but because he loves me with a love I can't experience anywhere else.

So anyway, I feel better now. Maybe it made sense. Maybe it didn't.
In other news, I have training for my job at JCrew tomorrow for three hours before class...so that should be interesting.
I am recently obsessed with Tyrone Wells...I can't stop listening to Sea Breeze.
These are the pieces that popped out on Pandora...
"Are you scared? If you're scared you're not alone. I once thought I was brave." The Second Day by Kendall Payne
"Lord you know every mistake I've made but still you chose to wash them all away." Far Away by Steve Wiggins
"The world was singing 'My Deliverer is coming! My Deliverer is standing by!'" My Deliverer by Mitch McVicker

That's enough rambling. Continuous streams of consciousness are boring.
Love to you.

Sticky Skin and Achey Bones

I am officially failing at updating this more.
I'm pretty ok with that.
Kat graduated.
I miss her :(
Charry moved in.
We have fun :)

My first St. Augustine summer is very hot...
our house holds heat like an oven...
being this sticky makes me lethargic.
Being lethargic makes me grumpy.

I must learn to adapt.
New goal.

SB Diez :)

Last walk on the beach

Rob being akward.

Walking in downtown Apalach.

I think Debrah looks beautiful in this picture.

I finally went into the old Armory Mom used to talk about having dances in.

One of my favorite things.

In one of my favorite places.

With some of my favorite people.

I have to write a response paper before my next class.
So I shouldn't be doing this.
And also, I don't have time to tell you about the amazingness that was my spring blink but I had to upload my favorites!

:(

I have a lot to do and I don't want to do any of it :(

Human Emotion Exam tomorrow.
Epic Bullying Presentation to rowdy after-schoolers.
7 Page Research Paper due Monday.

And that is only the near-sighted doom.
Don't even get me started on next week.

A New Hobby

So, I've decided I want to make more of an effort to update this...

not Turkey status by any means, but an improvement.

I don't know why I've decided this but I have.

So, last post I talked about our Post Secret event. Unfortunately, due to an emergency with a friend, I was unable to attend but I heard it went pretty well. A couple people got up and shared secrets they used to have and how God had redeemed them and it was apparently really powerful. I also heard there were a lot of new faces who asked a lot of questions so it sounds like it served the purposes it was supposed to. Thanks for all of your prayers and support.

So, this weekend has been such a wonderful break in the busyness that has been the last couple of weeks. Friday morning Debrah and I woke up early to do our newly established workout routine (8 am workouts Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) then came back, showered, got ready for the day, and went to the new bagel place! It has a real name, but I just call it the Bagel Place. I skipped my first class (I felt I had earned it...) so we took our time chatting and enjoying our Friday treat :)

I went to my one class, met Ryan (for bagels...at the same place. And I wasn't even embarassed to walk in again), met with Rob (my small group co-leader) to pray for our small groupers, then that night my roommates and I spent some glorious Roommate Time together because we hadn't in so long. Kat's niece, Bria, was here for the weekend so she joined us. We picked up dinner and ate it in the living room and listened to music and painted nails. After Bria went to bed we watched Coco Before Chanel. It's a french film we rented from Redbox that we got because Audrey Tautou was in it and we love her! Amelie...you must see it. Also, I thought the story would be interesting. I'm sure it would have been had I not fallen asleep early on, but from what I saw, I would still recommend it :)

Saturday morning we got up bright and early (9:30...early for a Saturday!) and made the three hour drive to Plant City for the Strawberry Festival. I don't know what we were thinking, but we did it. Also, I don't know what I was thinking either. I am so directionally retarded that I didn't even know how close I was to my grandmother in Lakeland until we drove through it on our way there! OR how close I was to my sister who took my nephew there the NEXT day! I am absurd. Anyway, pros: it was like, 15 degrees warmer there and the weather was perfect!

-It was quite possibly, the biggest fair I've ever been to.

-We went with a kid which made it 100x better.

-Kat brought her fancy camera and I got to play with it (pictures to come later)

-There was fair food!
-Strawberry Themed!

Cons:

-There was fair food. I ate a lot of it.

-It was 6 hours of driving for 3 hours of play :/

-It was crazy expensive...ten dollars for two rides!

-I wasn't drowning in strawberries as I had hoped for.

But I'm still glad we did it. This is a picture of one of the two rides I went on. (The other was the swings...a timeless favorite). This one didn't look to scary until I was hanging upside down next to Bria, feeling my colar bones crush, and wondering how well the carnie folk had put this baby together.

Today Debrah and I got up and went to church at Coquina. Today they appointed their elders so it was an emotional day but very good. The thing I admire about this church is how bibilcally they try to do things.It's refreshing to see churches living that way.

Debrah and I came home, heated up some lasagna leftovers and watched two episodes of Dexter. One of our two DVD series guilty pleasures. I will confess the other one at a later date.

Then Kat and Debrah went on a short jog and I headed off to Barnes and Noble which has become a once a week (sometimes bi-weekly, depending on the stress level) trip. I order a white peach Harney and Sons tea, grab a little table, mute my phone, pop in my iPod, journal my worries away, then read a chapter of Forgotten God by Francis Chan. First of all, there is something to be said for sitting in the chaos of people chatting and milling about, but hearing nothing but your favorite Josh Garrels (which I highly recommend) or Pride and Prejudice soundtrack. It's so peaceful.

Also, Forgotten God is, at the risk of sounding super Christian cheesy...changing my life. I put off reading any Francis Chan books because it irriated me how a big chunk of the Christian community has, for lack of a better word, idolized the man. However, I have noticed the spiritual emptiness I've been feeling since returning from Turkey has been a product of straight up, not understanding who the Holy Spirit is. I get God. I get Jesus. But the whole Holy Spirt thing just baffles me...so I pushed it aside. I'm realizing that my faith will quickly burn out though when it is running on such superficial fuel. One day I off handedly picked up a copy and read the back, feeling as though someone was talking straight to me. Francis Chan doesn't write about anything the Bible doesn't already tell you. However, I could never wrap my mind around what I had already read there and he helps aply it to life in a pretty fool-proof manner. I am loving it and already seeing how my relationship with the Spirit is improving just from four chapters! I really recommend it, it's a quick and easy read!

Anyway, I came home to an empty house. Straightened up my room, read old mail on possible scholarships for grad. school, brochures I've been given on various schools, etc. and felt overwhelmed by my future and decided to blog instead :) Now, I should quick and do something actually productive like...homework.

Also, I've decided, as of today, that I was to grow my hair out long enough for Locks of Love.

Also also, I skyped with Df the other day and it was way exciting! And to all of you who want to know, they have gotten a new nanny from England and Df says she is good to them So that's that.

Love to all of you!

In the spirit of the Lenton season:

"Gather round, here the sound
of a story that's so old that it's been told
Before time
He was born in the flesh and in the blood
In a world that was dark as hell, and dead in sin
Born of the spirit, and the virgin child
He's the son of God, son of Man
I didn't recognize that look in his eyes
When they cried
With a sorrow that no man has ever known.
Hang him high, watch him die, hear the cry
Crucifed up on that God Forsaken tree
And all who have breath can sing
When we layed your body down
In the earth and in the ground
Oh Lord, rest your bones
With all hope be made good
If your words are understood
In the day, will we see you again?
Oh "Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?"
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
-Josh Garrels, Good Friday

Post Secret 2

(Read Post Secret 1 before this...scroll down)

Me and my friend (Stella) are planning Monday's Common Ground event and it has turned into a doosy...campus wide Post Secret. (remember those books Caitlin Clark gave me...people send in their secrets on postcards and they were printed in books. www.postsecret.com) Well, we're doing that too. Three of us shoved postcards into 1,300 mailboxes yesterday that said:

Flagler College Post Secret
Fill out this notecard with a secret, confession, anything. The only stipulation is that you've never told anyone. Turn them in to the drop boxes in the Gazebo Wednesday and Friday and come see these anonymous secrets displayed on Monday at InterVarsity's Common Ground (8:30 in the Gamache-Koger Theater). In light of God's redeeming power, Intervarsity will be praying over each card. All are welcome.

We have printed and hand cut 3,000 post cards, placed them in every student mailbox, in piles in the student center, library, Kenan Hall, and all dorm buildings. We've given them out at IV events, small groups, and to strangers. Ryan and I had to personally persuade the dean to allow us to use the mailboxes after he said no (it was really God). Stella and I spent four hours today making a display to put up in the gazebo tomorrow and Friday. My blood and sweat have literally gone into this project because it's something I believe in. I believe in the heartbreaking need on this campus for students to see God as a Redeemer...as the one who wants to carry our burdens and heal our hurts...ESPECIALLY when we think no one else will.

But I'm having a hard time not getting discouraged. Already my friends in Lewis (the guy's dorms) have told me how all the guys are fully taking advantage of this opportunity to be as obnoxious and perverse as possible. I knew that would happen but just now, I was checking the event's wall on facebook (we invited everyone in the Flagler network) and a girl had posted this on our wall"

Post Secret 3

"'why do you think these secrets are going to be so horrible you need to pray over them? god forbid a college student does anything that YOU deem 'sinful'. why cant this just be about opening yourself up to new concepts and ideas and realizing that everyone faces struggles in their lives that most people never see and why cant it just be a cathartic experience without you dragging god into it and acting like just because someone has a secret they need to be prayed over?? you can keep your god and your prayers thanks"

I don't know why it bothered me so much...I should have forseen this reaction but I could just feel the anger in what she was typing and it made me sad...because I think a lot of people are really angry, Dad. And suddenly, I'm kind of afraid to go out there at 9:15am and set up a display that might have to withstand six hours of this attitude. I know that Satan is just using this to discourage me or scare me. But I'm still a little nervous.

Anyway, I'm sorry I'm email-rambling. I think I've just been awake too long...I know you know the feeling better than me :) But if you could pray for us this week, we'd really appreciate it. Tomorrow and Friday is when we're out on campus collecting them and talking to people so just pray that if anything, good and GENUINE conversations take place and the real purpose we're doing this is evident. The big event is Monday so be praying we remember the success of this event has nothing to do with how many cards are turned in but whether or not any one (literally, if it's only one person I would be satisfied) pauses to think and consider the need for a redeemer in their life. If you could ask your friends to pray also, that would be appreciated as well.

Post Secret 1

I haven't written in forever...I'm sorry. I'm terrible at these things.
But there is something I'm desperate for prayer on so I'm asking all of you.
Since I'm too lazy to type it all out...I copied pieces from an email I just sent to my Dad...as per usual. For some reason, it wouldn't let me copy the whole things so the two posts below this are everything.

Thank you so much and I hope this finds you all well.

Visit http://www.postsecret.com/ if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Love to you all.