So the last couple of days haven't been too bad...
I mean, I've been sick with a sore throat and runny nose and I had to get Laura to steal some medication from her family before I got anything...
but besides that....not too bad.
Really, I didn't come to say anything of consequence except that I started reading The Shack by William P. Young and I just can't decide what to make of it. It's about a man named Mack whose daughter is kidnapped and murdered by a serial killer and he becomes totally lost in what he calls "The Great Sadness" until one weekend, three years later, he is invited back to the Shack where they had found the evidence that his daughter was dead. The invitation was aparently from God is the kicker and it's based on a real story. Regardless of how legit I think it is...like I can really judge...there's a lot in there that makes me think and I felt like sharing some of it. Some of it is just beautiful written I think. Let me know what you think.
"What happened three years ago totally changed the melody of his life and it's a song I can't wait to play for you."
"There are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational. It doesn't mean it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational."
"Sometimes honesty can be incredibly messy."
"What should you do when you come to the door of a house, or cabin in this case, where God might be? Should you knock? Presumably God already knew that Mack was there. Maybe he ought to simply walk in and introduce himself, but that seemed equally absurd. And how should he address him? Should he call him Father, or Almighty One, or perhaps Mr. God, and would it be best if he fell down and worshipped, not that the was really in the mood."
"Let me say for now that we knew once the Creation was broken, true fathering would be much more lacking than mothering. Don't misunderstand me, both are needed- but an emphasis on fathering is necessary because of the enormity of its absense." (God's explanation for playing up the Father role)
"You were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."
"He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to live in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it to the uttermost- the first to aboslutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and my goodness without regard for appearance or consequence." (On Jesus being human)
"When you chose independence over relationship, you became a danger to each other. Others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness." (On needing submission in relationships)
"I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and the most living outcome." (from the God figure)
"Jesus didn't hold on to any rights; he willingly became a servant and lives out of his relationship to Papa (God)"
"Jesus would like to take you for a walk, if you want to go. I packed you a picnic lunch in case you get a little hungry. It'll tide you over till tea time."
"Without wisdom, imagination is a cruel task-master."
"Our earth is like a child who has grown up without parents, having no one to guide and direct her. Some have attempted to help her but most have simply tried to use her. Humans, who have been given the task to lovingly steer the world, instead plunder her with no consideration, other than their imediate needs. And they give little thought for their own children who will inherit their lack of love. So they use and abuse her with little consideraiton and when she shudders or blows her breath, the are offended and raise their fist at God."
"Remember, I am not about performance and fitting into man-made structures; I am about being. As you grow in relatnionshp with me , what you do will simply reflect who you really are."
Mack: "So I can't just ask What Would Jesus Do?"
Jesus: "Good intentions, bad idea."
"Among the mysteries of a broken humanity, that too is rather remarkable; to learn, to allow change."
"So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing."
"Your world is severely broken. You demanded your independence, and now you are angry with the one who loved you enough to give it to you." (I liked that one a bunch)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
"God in my laughing, there in my weeping..."
God in my hurting,
God in my healing.
Christ in me,
Christ in me,
Christ in me- the hope of glory.
You are everything"
-Tim Hughes "Everything"
Sorry it's been a while...
Weekends are so long and stressful since it's 24/7 and I'm not just juggling the kids but the parents as well. I went back to bed and slept for three hours Monday after the kids went to school!
On Sunday D said E and I should go with him to volleyball (Df's volleyball) then we could all go to the boat show...Oh that'll be fun I ignorantly thought to myself. But it ended up being six hours of putting on and taking off E's shoes so that he could tour boats...it was ridiculous. Then A and D thought it would be a good idea to order a pizza for the kids that didn't arrive until 9:30pm! In case you were wondering, we start the bed time process at 8:15...so it was quite the night.
Then I tried to talk to A about the church situation. I called the contact Petria had given me (Dawn) and she goes to an international church on Sundays at 3:30. She offered to pick me up and take me with her family and everything but the time would end up being like...3:00-5:30. No way. I told A anyway and I was right...right in the middle of the day just won't work. So she made me pull up all the protestant churches in Istanbul...in a city of over 15 million there are about 12 churches that wouldn't fall under Muslim, Armenian, or Catholic....and NONE of them are in our area. She kept reading "tea" and "prayer" and asked why I couldn't just go to those and didn't understand the differences between those things and actual services. So I called Dawn back and she offered to have me to dinner on my day off and invite over some young teachers in the area who were Christian so we could maybe get together on days off just to have some community. I though A would be happy since this plan didn't inconvenience her at all. But no no...
When I went to her D was there as well and told me he didn't think it was a good idea and went off about how it was reaching so far, it's a friend of a friend of a friend, expats usually have their own agenda no matter how nice they seem, Istanbul has its own rules- you can't just go off when you aren't familiar with the people or the area, if I don't come back he wouldn't know if it was because I was lost or kidnapped or sold, etc. "We don't even go the police if there's a problem because they can't be trusted...we're not Mexico, but we're close." (and in a prior conversation A had told me, "If you get arrested by a cop, you'll probably be raped by him as well. You don't F*** up here.") So honestly, though it was all extreme points, I completely understood where D was coming from. Plus, his family is the family that knows my family so he feels a sort of responsibility for me. It was A's attitude that I had a problem with.
"Why do they need to meet in houses if they can just go to church?"
"Well, some people can't. Look at me, I'm trying to go and I can't..."
"Well, what would they do there?"
"It varries...bible study or just talking...it's like a service at home."
"It sounds like a cult to me." Ouch.
"It's difficult to explain but I assure you it's normal. I do it at home all the time."
"Of course," D interjected. "And if you were at home, I would have no problem. It's because we are here that I have a problem."
A asks, "Why do you need to meet other Christians anyway?"
"It would just be nice to be part of a community of like-minded people."
"Well if they're so great and people are giving you their name, why aren't Petria or Laura going with you?"
"They aren't my babysitters...and they aren't religious. This isn't about them."
Then here it came...my favorite part.
A: "Caitlin, why do you keep reaching and reaching? Trying to make all these friends? It's like you're trying to build a life here! You came here for two things: to be a nanny and experience a new culture. You don't need all these other things-after June you'll be gone every weekend anyway...you'll be alone a couple months, so what? You have a couple friends...that is enough. Enough is enough."
I just stared at her. I didn't even know how to respond. "You'll be alone. So what" ???
"You really think it's normal to just go to people you don't know?" she asks.
"It's hard to explain but yes, in American Christian culture it is normal to reach out to people you don't know. I mean, did you know your friends before they were your friends?"
"No...but there were friends who introduced them to me first. I would never just go alone. I won't tell you you can't go, but I think to do it would be very naive."
I decided I wanted to be done talking to her so I looked at D.
"I really appreciate your concern and I understand completely. I am not intentionally trying to make you uncomfortable, I'm just doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. If you have something that would make you feel better...tell me."
"You want a church, I find you a church. You go, you say hello to some people, you come back, but no going off with people."
"You find it, I'll go."
But A had to add, "Caitlin, it's worse with these Christians. They can do anything to you then just ask your Father for forgiveness...Christianity is like a whole different world."
Those words did not just leave your mouth.
"Christianity is a different world?" I asked. "It's MY world. THIS (I pointed around us) is a different world."
I was stunned by her lack of empathy. You'll actually find that in Turkish culture (only worsened among the wealthy) an actual INABILITY to understand another person's position.
You think coming to a foreign country where NO ONE is my age, my ethnicity, my religion, or the same language speaker ISN'T a different world? How thick are you?
I was livid. I was mad at A and I was mad at God. It was like he had dangled this ray of hope infront of me then just snatched it away. I couldn't speak anymore so I just said, "Thank you D for looking." and walked out of the room.
I went into my room and pulled up facebook, trying to distract myself. I had some messages from friends at home talking about struggling with a sudden lack of community on campus and then the tears came. Here I was, clawing at the walls to find one Christian, and on campus, this whole group of Christians, can't find away to interact with one another that is conducive to their lifestyles. More and more tears. Let me be clear when I say, I wasn't angry at them and I wasn't judging or thinking "How can you complain when I'm going through this" as much as all of it once hit me so hard with the realization of Oh God, what a fallen world we live in. It's then that I realized how big what I am living is...how big what God is doing in my heart is going to bed. I had a friend once who was sharing about something she was struggling with and how she couldn't share it because "it was too big" and the ache in her voice spoke the words as if the very confession of it was too heavy in her mouth. That is exactly how I felt...God, this is too big. I am too small.
To make matters worse, I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and A is calling me again. Then I just got even more angry that I don't even have the freedom is this stinkin' closet of shutting a real door to signify closure. If I don't come out right away she comes to the door, peering through the crack "didn't you hear me?" No privacy. No peace. It's never safe to let my emotions lose. I wipe my face as quickly as I can. I don't even remember what she said...something to reiterate her previous points. "Ok, thank you." I say. "I'm going to get ready for bed." Done. Finished. Don't speak to me anymore.
"Be careful." Getting ready for bed?
I got upstairs and was shaking. I got ready for bed as quickly as I could then came down stairs and sent a message to some friends asking for prayer. I facebooked Dawn, thanking her very much for her help but I couldn't make it and didn't know what else to say. "This is ridiculous. They can't hold you prisoner. Tell them I will meet them, whatever they want." No good. I got on skype but Mom and Dad were gone, Mark and Susan weren't answering, friends were in school, etc. Luckily poor Aunt Linda was on and probably had no idea what I was talking about but she was very kind to chat with me for a bit until I finally tried to sleep. As I prayed that night, I cried out to the Lord confessing it was taking everything in me not to throw a ridiculous tantrum and say I'd never speak to him again. I like to be honest at least....it's not like he doesn't know I'm thinking it anyway.
I woke up that morning feeling utterly sick to my stomach. Monday (is supposed to be my days off now...FYI but this week is Tuesdays) and got the kids off to school then slept and slept like I mentioned earlier. I woke up to some really encouraging messages from friends at home, Chase particurlarly spoke some truth into my head that I really needed to hear:
"For some reason, God knows why, you're in turkey. You're there. You make it what it is. God is still God and we both know who God is. He's sovereign. He's compassionate. He's righteous. He's jealous over you. This situation with Asli has been ordained by God or has been allowed to happen by God (remember Job?). So this hasn't taken him by surprise. He's not wondering how youre gonna have community in turkey. He already knows. Even if you go till August without having a Turkish community if believers, your brothers and sisters over here are crying out to the father on your behalf. Community lines aren't confined to continental lines. You're not as accesible as I would like you to be, but rest in the fact that God conforms ALL things to the purpose of HIS will (ephesians 1:11). "
The bold part is what struck me. It had taken me by surprise, that was for sure, but who am I to think it threw God for a loop. He had planned this day for me before I was born...just like all the other days of my life...and if on this day he wanted me to feel the pain of persecution for a religion the world doesn't understand...it was significant.
Then I talked to my Dad and he really solidified a lot of what was surfacing as I reach Chase's message. He pointed out to me that in America, Christianity is so prevelant it's nearly part of our culture so for those who don't partake, there's polite deference. "No thanks, that's not for me but you do your thing, I get it." That attitude doesn't exist in other parts of the world. And here I am complaining when in reality, I could still make it happen. I might have to fight or lie or sneak, but I could meet these people and go to church. In other countries, people are shot on the spot for pulling that kind of crap. Dad also mentioned how it was possible, if God was closing so many doors, maybe he really wants me to learn how to depend SOULY on him by learning to rely on my own discipline and my own study and prayer to grow with him. That right now, this is hard and two months seems like a quite a long time to not hear an answer from the Lord, but there's people in the bible who had to wait in faith on the Lord for not days or weeks or months but years! Moses waited FORTY!!! And what, seven months at the most for me? Please, that's nothing. Time is fleeting, life on earth is a blink of God's eyes, and all things are done in his time, not our's. That's the thing with the religion of men, it's like we expect to pray and have an answer within days... as if it's an internet dating service. God doesn't comply to our needs, he fufills them in the way that is best for us. Not the easiest. Who am I to make demands while God is molding and shaping me? Who am I?
So anyway, I felt a lot better after that and went through the rest of my day avoiding interaction as much as possible. I stayed up 'til 2:30 am that night/morning (since I could sleep in the next day) and did a call with Chase, Ryan, and Debrah all at the same time. It was so wonderful and encouraging to recieve so much love from halfway across the world. I really am just so blessed.
Then I got up at ten, Cavit drove me to Laura's, we made tea and chatted then walked around her area and looked into some shops. I told Laura the story and she was furious. Laura isn't a Christian but she's a very open-minded, risk-taking free thinker. "How dare she say that to you? How close-minded! Go! Go to dinner and tell her you're with me. I'm always willing to lie for you."
"I don't want to handle it with lies if I can help it."
"Well then let's meet her together."
"Really, you'd do that?"
"Of course....'Two friends is enough?' Please, you don't want to see my old face everyday." Said in her beautiful, English accent...I love working with foreigners.
So I called Dawn and she met us by my port (the Kandilli port) for tea. She was so nice and polite as Laura (who will tell you anything about her life the moment she meets you and decorate her stories with plenty of profanity) poured out her life's story of the past two years and her completely disdainful feelings toward her boss. Dawn listened and interacted and apologized for how tough it was. Then Laura had to go run errands and after she left I said, "so that's Laura" and she smiled and said, "So yes, you could use some Christian friends."
We talked and talked. It was so nice to hear someone else feel the same way. "I've been here almost nine years the blanket of darkness hanging over this place never gets less oppressive." That's exactly it! Whenever I pray, all I can picture is myself stumbling around in the dark with my arms blindly outstretched. When I finially find a lamp, I barely get my footing before it blows out again...the light never seems to last. We decided to have dinner next Monday at her house and she will pick me up from wherever I am that day. She drove me to Kavacik then to Petria's where Laura was and was asked to tell the whole story again. Petria nearly busted a gut laughing, "A cult is it? Two friends is enough are they? I'd like to see someone tell her how many people she can have in her life." Then she said the same thing as Laura, "Tell her you're with me. I'll always cover for you."
"Oh, I said lie." Laura laughed.
"When you're more experienced you call it 'covering'." She smiled. But then in all seriousness she said, "Shelly is one of my best friends here. I've known her for six years and her husband runs all of the Christian televesion networks here. They are very well known in the Christian community and she knows Dawn very well. I would never have given you a contact I couldn't vouch for or knew was safe." I believe her.
I spent the evening there, visiting, watching American TV and reading until Brett came home and made dinner (typical New Zealand meal...sausages, potatoes, carrots, and cabbage) and then I called a taxi's to Laura's where we visited and watched a movie. Laura called me a taxi and it was much easier than last time. I showed him the address and he took me halfway before passing me to someone who knew where it was so the meter started over and it was 5 leera cheeper! AND once in the neighborhood, I successfully directed him IN TURKISH! I was back by 11:30, Cavit let me in, A was thankfully busy watching a movie with her mom so she didn't pay much attention to me. She absently asked how my day was and "oh, you didn't meet with those people? Why not?" As if you don't know. So I decided this would be a time to suck up.
"Well, I wanted to respect your wishes so I told her I would meet her at a cafe with Laura sometime, get to know her better, then go to her house." I mean, granted I already did it but that's beside the point...
"Yes, get to know her better. That is good." Done.
Went to bed feeling rejuvenated. When I prayed that night, the words to that song I posted earlier came out of nowhere:
"I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve criedYou hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm."
It's like God was saying, "Caitlin, I just want you to trust me and praise me in the midst of pain and trials. Don't just love me when it's easy and safe. Love me when it's hard and dangerous. I am with you and loving you in all things. I am with you and loving you when you sleep, when you wake, when you work, when you laugh, when you cry, and when you are totalled spoiled brat. Be with me and love me too through all those things." I want to, I really want to. If this is what it takes for me to learn, I will do it willingly.
Igot the kids up and ready for school and went with them to the port. I told Cavit I was walking to Laura's from there but he said, "no, it's too far, let me drive you." But I can't kept making Df tell him "No I want the exercise" but after waiting for the boat with the kids I realize how cold it was today. He saw me shivering and smiled, "Want me to take you now?"
"Yes please." (Evet lutfen)
So we rode with the kids to the other side (when I say other side, it means we live on the Asian side and everything else is on the European side and you cross it by boat or by bridge...across the Bosphorus). The kids and I had a fun time cutting up about how I didn't know Turkish but I was going to come from my lesson today fluent. We dropped them off at the bus then Cavit and I rode back, then he drove me to Laura's. Laura fixed us some toast and porrage then we headed off with her driver to Kenyon for our first Turkish lesson! It was super fun! We learned the alphabet and pronunciation and I got frustrated a lot because it is so incredibly different from us. There's several sounds that don't even exist in English. But I miss being a student...I miss learning. I mean, I'm obviously learning a lot but you know what I mean. So we spent an hour in Gloria Jean's (cafe) with Ani (teacher) then we walked her down to the Metro so I'd know where it was for the future then into one of Laura's favorite stores and it was so nice to browse and talk about clothes and going out and normal things. Granted, I can't afford to be buying things I don't NEED til next paycheck but it was still fun.
Then we headed back, the driver dropped me off, I intentionally went in the "service" door to try and avoid A as I knew she was leaving soon and I didn't want to ruin my good mood. She called me up though to tell me to take care of some clothes or something but that was it. Then I came back downstairs and met the new Vala...I wish I could tell you her name but I can't even say it yet. Poor girl looks young and sweet and doe-eyed. I know how she feels...I hope A doesn't eat her for breakfast. Then I showed them my worksheets and we went over things and it was so fun! Using new words (like expensive, cheep, old, new, ugly, pretty etc.) we made jokes about how ugly my thrift store bag was and how A was so young while D was so old. It was so WONDERFUL to make jokes that we actually understood and to laugh together. Praise Jesus. What a gift.
Then I came here...to write a short blog letting you know I was alive but it turned into a theraputic mess. Sorry about that. But I am alive. And all will be fine. I will occasionally break down and act like it isn't fine...but it is. It's in God hands and it is all more than fine.
Anway, better go, have to go to basketball today for E then who knows what for the rest of the day. Df is at a birthday party so I don't know when she'll be home but A has her class tonight so that gives me until at least 10:30 of peace.
Love to you.
God in my healing.
Christ in me,
Christ in me,
Christ in me- the hope of glory.
You are everything"
-Tim Hughes "Everything"
Sorry it's been a while...
Weekends are so long and stressful since it's 24/7 and I'm not just juggling the kids but the parents as well. I went back to bed and slept for three hours Monday after the kids went to school!
On Sunday D said E and I should go with him to volleyball (Df's volleyball) then we could all go to the boat show...Oh that'll be fun I ignorantly thought to myself. But it ended up being six hours of putting on and taking off E's shoes so that he could tour boats...it was ridiculous. Then A and D thought it would be a good idea to order a pizza for the kids that didn't arrive until 9:30pm! In case you were wondering, we start the bed time process at 8:15...so it was quite the night.
Then I tried to talk to A about the church situation. I called the contact Petria had given me (Dawn) and she goes to an international church on Sundays at 3:30. She offered to pick me up and take me with her family and everything but the time would end up being like...3:00-5:30. No way. I told A anyway and I was right...right in the middle of the day just won't work. So she made me pull up all the protestant churches in Istanbul...in a city of over 15 million there are about 12 churches that wouldn't fall under Muslim, Armenian, or Catholic....and NONE of them are in our area. She kept reading "tea" and "prayer" and asked why I couldn't just go to those and didn't understand the differences between those things and actual services. So I called Dawn back and she offered to have me to dinner on my day off and invite over some young teachers in the area who were Christian so we could maybe get together on days off just to have some community. I though A would be happy since this plan didn't inconvenience her at all. But no no...
When I went to her D was there as well and told me he didn't think it was a good idea and went off about how it was reaching so far, it's a friend of a friend of a friend, expats usually have their own agenda no matter how nice they seem, Istanbul has its own rules- you can't just go off when you aren't familiar with the people or the area, if I don't come back he wouldn't know if it was because I was lost or kidnapped or sold, etc. "We don't even go the police if there's a problem because they can't be trusted...we're not Mexico, but we're close." (and in a prior conversation A had told me, "If you get arrested by a cop, you'll probably be raped by him as well. You don't F*** up here.") So honestly, though it was all extreme points, I completely understood where D was coming from. Plus, his family is the family that knows my family so he feels a sort of responsibility for me. It was A's attitude that I had a problem with.
"Why do they need to meet in houses if they can just go to church?"
"Well, some people can't. Look at me, I'm trying to go and I can't..."
"Well, what would they do there?"
"It varries...bible study or just talking...it's like a service at home."
"It sounds like a cult to me." Ouch.
"It's difficult to explain but I assure you it's normal. I do it at home all the time."
"Of course," D interjected. "And if you were at home, I would have no problem. It's because we are here that I have a problem."
A asks, "Why do you need to meet other Christians anyway?"
"It would just be nice to be part of a community of like-minded people."
"Well if they're so great and people are giving you their name, why aren't Petria or Laura going with you?"
"They aren't my babysitters...and they aren't religious. This isn't about them."
Then here it came...my favorite part.
A: "Caitlin, why do you keep reaching and reaching? Trying to make all these friends? It's like you're trying to build a life here! You came here for two things: to be a nanny and experience a new culture. You don't need all these other things-after June you'll be gone every weekend anyway...you'll be alone a couple months, so what? You have a couple friends...that is enough. Enough is enough."
I just stared at her. I didn't even know how to respond. "You'll be alone. So what" ???
"You really think it's normal to just go to people you don't know?" she asks.
"It's hard to explain but yes, in American Christian culture it is normal to reach out to people you don't know. I mean, did you know your friends before they were your friends?"
"No...but there were friends who introduced them to me first. I would never just go alone. I won't tell you you can't go, but I think to do it would be very naive."
I decided I wanted to be done talking to her so I looked at D.
"I really appreciate your concern and I understand completely. I am not intentionally trying to make you uncomfortable, I'm just doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. If you have something that would make you feel better...tell me."
"You want a church, I find you a church. You go, you say hello to some people, you come back, but no going off with people."
"You find it, I'll go."
But A had to add, "Caitlin, it's worse with these Christians. They can do anything to you then just ask your Father for forgiveness...Christianity is like a whole different world."
Those words did not just leave your mouth.
"Christianity is a different world?" I asked. "It's MY world. THIS (I pointed around us) is a different world."
I was stunned by her lack of empathy. You'll actually find that in Turkish culture (only worsened among the wealthy) an actual INABILITY to understand another person's position.
You think coming to a foreign country where NO ONE is my age, my ethnicity, my religion, or the same language speaker ISN'T a different world? How thick are you?
I was livid. I was mad at A and I was mad at God. It was like he had dangled this ray of hope infront of me then just snatched it away. I couldn't speak anymore so I just said, "Thank you D for looking." and walked out of the room.
I went into my room and pulled up facebook, trying to distract myself. I had some messages from friends at home talking about struggling with a sudden lack of community on campus and then the tears came. Here I was, clawing at the walls to find one Christian, and on campus, this whole group of Christians, can't find away to interact with one another that is conducive to their lifestyles. More and more tears. Let me be clear when I say, I wasn't angry at them and I wasn't judging or thinking "How can you complain when I'm going through this" as much as all of it once hit me so hard with the realization of Oh God, what a fallen world we live in. It's then that I realized how big what I am living is...how big what God is doing in my heart is going to bed. I had a friend once who was sharing about something she was struggling with and how she couldn't share it because "it was too big" and the ache in her voice spoke the words as if the very confession of it was too heavy in her mouth. That is exactly how I felt...God, this is too big. I am too small.
To make matters worse, I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and A is calling me again. Then I just got even more angry that I don't even have the freedom is this stinkin' closet of shutting a real door to signify closure. If I don't come out right away she comes to the door, peering through the crack "didn't you hear me?" No privacy. No peace. It's never safe to let my emotions lose. I wipe my face as quickly as I can. I don't even remember what she said...something to reiterate her previous points. "Ok, thank you." I say. "I'm going to get ready for bed." Done. Finished. Don't speak to me anymore.
"Be careful." Getting ready for bed?
I got upstairs and was shaking. I got ready for bed as quickly as I could then came down stairs and sent a message to some friends asking for prayer. I facebooked Dawn, thanking her very much for her help but I couldn't make it and didn't know what else to say. "This is ridiculous. They can't hold you prisoner. Tell them I will meet them, whatever they want." No good. I got on skype but Mom and Dad were gone, Mark and Susan weren't answering, friends were in school, etc. Luckily poor Aunt Linda was on and probably had no idea what I was talking about but she was very kind to chat with me for a bit until I finally tried to sleep. As I prayed that night, I cried out to the Lord confessing it was taking everything in me not to throw a ridiculous tantrum and say I'd never speak to him again. I like to be honest at least....it's not like he doesn't know I'm thinking it anyway.
I woke up that morning feeling utterly sick to my stomach. Monday (is supposed to be my days off now...FYI but this week is Tuesdays) and got the kids off to school then slept and slept like I mentioned earlier. I woke up to some really encouraging messages from friends at home, Chase particurlarly spoke some truth into my head that I really needed to hear:
"For some reason, God knows why, you're in turkey. You're there. You make it what it is. God is still God and we both know who God is. He's sovereign. He's compassionate. He's righteous. He's jealous over you. This situation with Asli has been ordained by God or has been allowed to happen by God (remember Job?). So this hasn't taken him by surprise. He's not wondering how youre gonna have community in turkey. He already knows. Even if you go till August without having a Turkish community if believers, your brothers and sisters over here are crying out to the father on your behalf. Community lines aren't confined to continental lines. You're not as accesible as I would like you to be, but rest in the fact that God conforms ALL things to the purpose of HIS will (ephesians 1:11). "
The bold part is what struck me. It had taken me by surprise, that was for sure, but who am I to think it threw God for a loop. He had planned this day for me before I was born...just like all the other days of my life...and if on this day he wanted me to feel the pain of persecution for a religion the world doesn't understand...it was significant.
Then I talked to my Dad and he really solidified a lot of what was surfacing as I reach Chase's message. He pointed out to me that in America, Christianity is so prevelant it's nearly part of our culture so for those who don't partake, there's polite deference. "No thanks, that's not for me but you do your thing, I get it." That attitude doesn't exist in other parts of the world. And here I am complaining when in reality, I could still make it happen. I might have to fight or lie or sneak, but I could meet these people and go to church. In other countries, people are shot on the spot for pulling that kind of crap. Dad also mentioned how it was possible, if God was closing so many doors, maybe he really wants me to learn how to depend SOULY on him by learning to rely on my own discipline and my own study and prayer to grow with him. That right now, this is hard and two months seems like a quite a long time to not hear an answer from the Lord, but there's people in the bible who had to wait in faith on the Lord for not days or weeks or months but years! Moses waited FORTY!!! And what, seven months at the most for me? Please, that's nothing. Time is fleeting, life on earth is a blink of God's eyes, and all things are done in his time, not our's. That's the thing with the religion of men, it's like we expect to pray and have an answer within days... as if it's an internet dating service. God doesn't comply to our needs, he fufills them in the way that is best for us. Not the easiest. Who am I to make demands while God is molding and shaping me? Who am I?
So anyway, I felt a lot better after that and went through the rest of my day avoiding interaction as much as possible. I stayed up 'til 2:30 am that night/morning (since I could sleep in the next day) and did a call with Chase, Ryan, and Debrah all at the same time. It was so wonderful and encouraging to recieve so much love from halfway across the world. I really am just so blessed.
Then I got up at ten, Cavit drove me to Laura's, we made tea and chatted then walked around her area and looked into some shops. I told Laura the story and she was furious. Laura isn't a Christian but she's a very open-minded, risk-taking free thinker. "How dare she say that to you? How close-minded! Go! Go to dinner and tell her you're with me. I'm always willing to lie for you."
"I don't want to handle it with lies if I can help it."
"Well then let's meet her together."
"Really, you'd do that?"
"Of course....'Two friends is enough?' Please, you don't want to see my old face everyday." Said in her beautiful, English accent...I love working with foreigners.
So I called Dawn and she met us by my port (the Kandilli port) for tea. She was so nice and polite as Laura (who will tell you anything about her life the moment she meets you and decorate her stories with plenty of profanity) poured out her life's story of the past two years and her completely disdainful feelings toward her boss. Dawn listened and interacted and apologized for how tough it was. Then Laura had to go run errands and after she left I said, "so that's Laura" and she smiled and said, "So yes, you could use some Christian friends."
We talked and talked. It was so nice to hear someone else feel the same way. "I've been here almost nine years the blanket of darkness hanging over this place never gets less oppressive." That's exactly it! Whenever I pray, all I can picture is myself stumbling around in the dark with my arms blindly outstretched. When I finially find a lamp, I barely get my footing before it blows out again...the light never seems to last. We decided to have dinner next Monday at her house and she will pick me up from wherever I am that day. She drove me to Kavacik then to Petria's where Laura was and was asked to tell the whole story again. Petria nearly busted a gut laughing, "A cult is it? Two friends is enough are they? I'd like to see someone tell her how many people she can have in her life." Then she said the same thing as Laura, "Tell her you're with me. I'll always cover for you."
"Oh, I said lie." Laura laughed.
"When you're more experienced you call it 'covering'." She smiled. But then in all seriousness she said, "Shelly is one of my best friends here. I've known her for six years and her husband runs all of the Christian televesion networks here. They are very well known in the Christian community and she knows Dawn very well. I would never have given you a contact I couldn't vouch for or knew was safe." I believe her.
I spent the evening there, visiting, watching American TV and reading until Brett came home and made dinner (typical New Zealand meal...sausages, potatoes, carrots, and cabbage) and then I called a taxi's to Laura's where we visited and watched a movie. Laura called me a taxi and it was much easier than last time. I showed him the address and he took me halfway before passing me to someone who knew where it was so the meter started over and it was 5 leera cheeper! AND once in the neighborhood, I successfully directed him IN TURKISH! I was back by 11:30, Cavit let me in, A was thankfully busy watching a movie with her mom so she didn't pay much attention to me. She absently asked how my day was and "oh, you didn't meet with those people? Why not?" As if you don't know. So I decided this would be a time to suck up.
"Well, I wanted to respect your wishes so I told her I would meet her at a cafe with Laura sometime, get to know her better, then go to her house." I mean, granted I already did it but that's beside the point...
"Yes, get to know her better. That is good." Done.
Went to bed feeling rejuvenated. When I prayed that night, the words to that song I posted earlier came out of nowhere:
"I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve criedYou hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm."
It's like God was saying, "Caitlin, I just want you to trust me and praise me in the midst of pain and trials. Don't just love me when it's easy and safe. Love me when it's hard and dangerous. I am with you and loving you in all things. I am with you and loving you when you sleep, when you wake, when you work, when you laugh, when you cry, and when you are totalled spoiled brat. Be with me and love me too through all those things." I want to, I really want to. If this is what it takes for me to learn, I will do it willingly.
Igot the kids up and ready for school and went with them to the port. I told Cavit I was walking to Laura's from there but he said, "no, it's too far, let me drive you." But I can't kept making Df tell him "No I want the exercise" but after waiting for the boat with the kids I realize how cold it was today. He saw me shivering and smiled, "Want me to take you now?"
"Yes please." (Evet lutfen)
So we rode with the kids to the other side (when I say other side, it means we live on the Asian side and everything else is on the European side and you cross it by boat or by bridge...across the Bosphorus). The kids and I had a fun time cutting up about how I didn't know Turkish but I was going to come from my lesson today fluent. We dropped them off at the bus then Cavit and I rode back, then he drove me to Laura's. Laura fixed us some toast and porrage then we headed off with her driver to Kenyon for our first Turkish lesson! It was super fun! We learned the alphabet and pronunciation and I got frustrated a lot because it is so incredibly different from us. There's several sounds that don't even exist in English. But I miss being a student...I miss learning. I mean, I'm obviously learning a lot but you know what I mean. So we spent an hour in Gloria Jean's (cafe) with Ani (teacher) then we walked her down to the Metro so I'd know where it was for the future then into one of Laura's favorite stores and it was so nice to browse and talk about clothes and going out and normal things. Granted, I can't afford to be buying things I don't NEED til next paycheck but it was still fun.
Then we headed back, the driver dropped me off, I intentionally went in the "service" door to try and avoid A as I knew she was leaving soon and I didn't want to ruin my good mood. She called me up though to tell me to take care of some clothes or something but that was it. Then I came back downstairs and met the new Vala...I wish I could tell you her name but I can't even say it yet. Poor girl looks young and sweet and doe-eyed. I know how she feels...I hope A doesn't eat her for breakfast. Then I showed them my worksheets and we went over things and it was so fun! Using new words (like expensive, cheep, old, new, ugly, pretty etc.) we made jokes about how ugly my thrift store bag was and how A was so young while D was so old. It was so WONDERFUL to make jokes that we actually understood and to laugh together. Praise Jesus. What a gift.
Then I came here...to write a short blog letting you know I was alive but it turned into a theraputic mess. Sorry about that. But I am alive. And all will be fine. I will occasionally break down and act like it isn't fine...but it is. It's in God hands and it is all more than fine.
Anway, better go, have to go to basketball today for E then who knows what for the rest of the day. Df is at a birthday party so I don't know when she'll be home but A has her class tonight so that gives me until at least 10:30 of peace.
Love to you.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Just a Taster
So this morning after I got the kids to school I went back to bed for an hour or so (listened to a sermon on Song of Solomon...very interesting) then got up to take the ferry to Bebek! A offered to take me with her on their boat but I said I was meeting Laura on the ferry and I wanted the practice.
"Ahh, you're meeting Laura" (she still has a bad taste in her mouth)
So I asked her when I should leave to walk down to the ferry and she said, "I can just take you since I'm going to the port too" Well, my ferry left at 10:45 and it was 10:15 and she was still in her pjs..."We'll leave in ten minutes"
I waited anxiously downstairs and a thought crossed my mind when at 10:38 she yelled downstairs, "If it comes to, I can just take you on my boat if we don't make it"
Oh my gosh, she's going to make me miss it on purpose. But we pulled into the port at 10:42 and after wishing her a good day, I ran to the port, threw a five at the man, grabbed my change and ran through the gate. As I waited for the ferry to pulled up, I glanced over to the Arikolgu boat where A was standing, she waved. As it pulled up I went on the bottom level where Laura was waiting. It was so easy!
We chatted and then got off at Bebek and walked to Starbucks. She was meeting a Turkish teacher to see if it was plausible for her. And lo and behold, after we all chatted for about 45 minutes, the teacher agreed to let us split the cost and only charge by the hour! That means it would only be like...17.50 an hour which is only about $10.20! Practically nothing! Laura's going to get the recommended book and make a copy for me and it has lots of worksheets and homework for us to do during the week then we'll meet on Wednesdays at one at a cafe in MetroCity (shopping mall...there's tons here) and Laura's driver will take us there, back to her house when we're done at 2 and I'll walk back from Laura's to be here in time for E to get from basketball!!! The only potential problem is that A had me go to his basketball last week and I left here at 2:45...so I might need to do some fenagling (sp?)...but if I could work it out I'd be PUMPED.
Then we went on a walk along Bebek's water walkway...BEAUTIFUL. All the boats and fishmermen lining the Bosphorus...but it was FREEZING. And I got a blister that started bleeding so it was barely a notable exercise...but she said it was ok because it was just a practice...or as she calls it, "A Taster". Then we went to some shops, stopped in a cafe for drinks and a snack, caught the ferry back to her house, ate some pinapple, then her driver took me back. I played some piano and now I'm here. I'm soooo glad I made myself go out today...I need to do it more for my own sanity. I finally feel like I'm living. Everything is going to be ok.
We had an interesting conversation at the cafe. She was telling me about this nutso dream she had last night and I asked her if she believed dreams meant anything. Which led into her asking me if I believed in Jesus. "Of course"
"Do you believe he performed all of those miracles?"
"Yes I do"
"Do you believe that people can performed miracles?"
"I believe that God can perform miracles...and that he uses people to do miraculous things."
"What about the next Jesus?"
"I don't think there'll be a 'next' Jesus...as much as the original Jesus coming back."
"Hmm ok."
It's harder talking about Jesus here than it is at home. I don't know why but it is...God is really testing my faith and I am PUMPED. Not the faith I have when I'm surrounded by Christians but MY faith...MY relationship with my God...just Him and Me. I can tell this is going to be an interesting friendship...both me and Laura...and me and Jesus :)
"Ahh, you're meeting Laura" (she still has a bad taste in her mouth)
So I asked her when I should leave to walk down to the ferry and she said, "I can just take you since I'm going to the port too" Well, my ferry left at 10:45 and it was 10:15 and she was still in her pjs..."We'll leave in ten minutes"
I waited anxiously downstairs and a thought crossed my mind when at 10:38 she yelled downstairs, "If it comes to, I can just take you on my boat if we don't make it"
Oh my gosh, she's going to make me miss it on purpose. But we pulled into the port at 10:42 and after wishing her a good day, I ran to the port, threw a five at the man, grabbed my change and ran through the gate. As I waited for the ferry to pulled up, I glanced over to the Arikolgu boat where A was standing, she waved. As it pulled up I went on the bottom level where Laura was waiting. It was so easy!
We chatted and then got off at Bebek and walked to Starbucks. She was meeting a Turkish teacher to see if it was plausible for her. And lo and behold, after we all chatted for about 45 minutes, the teacher agreed to let us split the cost and only charge by the hour! That means it would only be like...17.50 an hour which is only about $10.20! Practically nothing! Laura's going to get the recommended book and make a copy for me and it has lots of worksheets and homework for us to do during the week then we'll meet on Wednesdays at one at a cafe in MetroCity (shopping mall...there's tons here) and Laura's driver will take us there, back to her house when we're done at 2 and I'll walk back from Laura's to be here in time for E to get from basketball!!! The only potential problem is that A had me go to his basketball last week and I left here at 2:45...so I might need to do some fenagling (sp?)...but if I could work it out I'd be PUMPED.
Then we went on a walk along Bebek's water walkway...BEAUTIFUL. All the boats and fishmermen lining the Bosphorus...but it was FREEZING. And I got a blister that started bleeding so it was barely a notable exercise...but she said it was ok because it was just a practice...or as she calls it, "A Taster". Then we went to some shops, stopped in a cafe for drinks and a snack, caught the ferry back to her house, ate some pinapple, then her driver took me back. I played some piano and now I'm here. I'm soooo glad I made myself go out today...I need to do it more for my own sanity. I finally feel like I'm living. Everything is going to be ok.
We had an interesting conversation at the cafe. She was telling me about this nutso dream she had last night and I asked her if she believed dreams meant anything. Which led into her asking me if I believed in Jesus. "Of course"
"Do you believe he performed all of those miracles?"
"Yes I do"
"Do you believe that people can performed miracles?"
"I believe that God can perform miracles...and that he uses people to do miraculous things."
"What about the next Jesus?"
"I don't think there'll be a 'next' Jesus...as much as the original Jesus coming back."
"Hmm ok."
It's harder talking about Jesus here than it is at home. I don't know why but it is...God is really testing my faith and I am PUMPED. Not the faith I have when I'm surrounded by Christians but MY faith...MY relationship with my God...just Him and Me. I can tell this is going to be an interesting friendship...both me and Laura...and me and Jesus :)
PS The picture is random...I just felt like adding some color :) It's Turkish coffee...look out for that stuff.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Search for Truth
So anyway...a couple days later I knew I needed to bring up the salary issue with A. I had been dreading it for days but finally I asked her to make time to talk about "my days off and things like that". She said when she got back that night we could. For some reason, I was suddenly not dreading it. I felt peace about it and I thought to myself, "God must have this under control! It's going to go smoothly!" Boy was I WRONG.
I don't feel like it would be in my best interest to rehash the whole thing as only now does it feel like we're getting past it but it wasn't so enjoyable...or at all smooth. It was partly my fault, I showed my inexperience by bringing it up inappropriately...as she wasted no time in pointing out. When she initiated the conversation Defne was in the room and I said, "are you sure it's ok" and she said "of course" but why would she know to say no? She just thought I was talking about my day off! I ambushed her completely. I felt so ridiculous but I was afraid if I mentioned it beforehand it would give her too much time to prepare.
Anyway, she agreed to go up 300 a month which was an improvement but still completely unreasonable. She said she didn't want to talk about this again after we had settled it and I said of course not. I can't remember a lot about it except that I was terrified and I even apologized afterwards for ambushing her. She kept saying, "You know the only reason this is even happening is because you talked to those other nannies and they're putting ideas in your head. But they are professionals and you are not and you can't compare yourself to them...." blah blah blah. She also tried to tell me that my salary included my plane ticket as well which really threw me for a loop.
so I talked to my friend Andrew that night because for some reason I felt like I had let everyone down. I had talked all big about how I would handle this situation and how I was prepared to be firm and then during the whole conversation I was apologizing for seeming disrespectful! I just felt so stupid! Everyone seemed to think that I'm some kind of ballbuster that was just going to make it happen and I practically cowered! Andrew made me feel better though by saying that people only expect me to be the kind of person to see something wrong and try to fix it...the outcome after doing so is anybody's guess. He said bringing it up was part of the battle. That made me feel better.
So a couple days later, Laura and I made plans to meet up so I got the kids up and took them down to the boat then walked left, Laura walked right, and we met after like ten minutes of walking! It was so easy despite the ambiguous plan. Then we walked together to her friend Patria's house. She's like 40 (and just had a baby!), from New Zealand, married to a man from New Zealand that she actually met here, has been working for the same family for the past six years, and is like the mother hen of nannies. She knows everything! It was so nice to sit in a kitchen as she fixed homemade tomato soup and we all chatted in English. It was such comfort.
Apparently, D hadn't told A where I was so she called me asking where I was. "So you took your day off today?"
"No, I didn't leave until after the kids left for school"
"Oh, well why don't you just take the rest of the day and tomorrow morning. Can you get home?"
"Yes, Laura is with me."
"Oh, you're with Laura."
She has an obvious bad taste in her mouth about me being with other nannies because they are filling my head with "grand ideas" and she doesn't like it. Oh well, I was just excited about the prospect of finally having a day off!
"Ok, have fun!"
Of course, my situation came up again and I just continued to feel worse about how screwed I am. I kept getting compared to a Philopino and she said she'd seen prison cells nicer than my room. She said she'd seen some pretty ridiculous nanny rooms but that mine took the cake. It was all very discouraging. I told them it was all very easy to feel empowered and gung ho about talking to A but when it's just the two of us face to face, it's terrifying and I love my wits. And her arugments are so hard to argue with when there's no compassion involved! They just kept congratulating me for being to talk to her at all.
Anyway, we ran some errands with the baby. I got some money exchanged, bought some more counters for my phone, and then Petria and I took a taxi over to some shopping malls for her to buy baby stuff and then we chatted in a Starbucks over drinks and a brownie. It was so blissfully normal. Then we came back to her flat and I met her husband who was lovely, his name was Brent and he calls everyone "love" and it's wonderful. Then the kids she watches came over for dinner and we had soup and mince meat pie and macaroni and cheese! Yuuum! Then we watched Weakest Link until Laura had put her kids to bed at 8:30 and Petria called me a cab.
Their house is HUGE and so whiiiiiite! So much marble and it's so clinical looking it's disgusting. We ate some cake left over by their Valentine's Day party then she showed me around the house. Words can't convey. She has such a nice room! Her bathroom connects to her room AND it's a standup shower! Her closet is huge too! Not fair. But that's life. Then we chose a movie and watched it together and she called me a cab and gave me money to get home. It was such a nice, relaxing break. The taxi ride was a little frustrating...I ended up having to call Cavit and give the phone to the taxi driver so he would know how to find the house.
When I got in A was still up. She told me she had talked to D about the new salary and he agreed..."I had to convince him, but I did it." I hope you're not waiting for a thankyou. When she brought up days off I told her that Mom might be visiting in April and could I take the six days I had missed (I had been working for six weeks before I got a day off) and use them when she came. She gave me a look like, "How did you know to ask that?" followed by "You can't keep acting like you're a professional when you're not. You make these demands because they've been put in your head but you aren't like those people." I don't want to rehash any of it again because I need to move past it but it was worse than the first one. I was firm this time (I actually got her to come up 200 more dollars a month!) but for it, I got accused of being ungrateful and being under the control of the other nannies. (That is also because I told her the plane ticket was standard and if she was going to include it in my salary, she should have said as much when we discussed it so I would know to ask for more as that is just money I will never see).
It was odd...like we were having two completely different conversations with each other, saying the same thing over and over and never convey each other's point. She kept saying, "Caitlin, I keep trying to tell you...but you aren't a professional. I don't think of you as just a nanny. If I did, I wouldn't ask how you are or try to make sure everything was ok with you, I wouldn't pay for your ticket when you were staying such a short time, and if your mother was coming, I would just give you those days off regardless of whether or not you had saved them up...I wouldn't do that for a regular employee. I think of you more as a family friend...you would never have come to do this if you weren't familiar with our family just like I wouldn't have hired you if I didn't know yours. I took a huge risk. I flew someone over here who has no experience or knowledge of the city and can't even stay the standard amount of time I'd like to hire someone for."
"I understand that...but just like it's a risk for you, it's a risk for me too! I took a semester off of school for this, I'm graduating behind my class, it's time away from my family and friends, it's a total pause to my life, I'm a stranger in a place where no one speaks my language, you say I can't stay long enough but it's too long for me! I have to move all of my things to another state when I get home to an apartment, my parents have to reorganize their whole schedule to be able to make this work...it's hard for everyone so I think I deserve to make sure that it is worth it for me as well. I am not saying I'm not grateful to be traveling with you and what not, but regardless I am still working the entire time to even if it's a great experience, I still deserve to be compensated for it. And you keep saying I'm an aupair...light responsiblity. Au pairs are just mother's help, I researched it and they only work 25 hours a week and usually don't even live in. We both know that's not what I am." So on and so fourth...
"It's ok for us to talk about it but not with this attitude these girls are giving you of entitlement. You are changing and I find it very disturbing..."etc.
Ugh...I'm going to stop talking about it! Bottom line: A lot of other things came up and when it was over I felt like I was going to throw up. A feeling that was still there when I woke up the next morning. Before I went to bed she said, "Caitlin, I just want you to know that I like you. The kids like you, it's a good fit, I like you."
"Thank you for telling me that. And thank you for my patience while we get this sorted out. Good night"
The next morning she was up and we spoke some more...and suddenly, I felt real peace. I told her that I had thought about it and I realized now what she meant about it not being a standard situation...she didnt have to let me go to church on Sundays (sometimes, if it works out) in addition to a day off. She didn't have to give me the days off regardless of whether I had earned them for a family visit...in fact, that's unheard of. And she didn't have to fly me over here when I was staying for such a short time (It seems long to us but it isn't at all). I was grateful and appreciative and I feel comfortable with the new salary discussed and a set day off and we won't need to talk about it again afterwards. I thanked her for patience and told her I'd probably ask questions again but would be sure to try to be more tactful of how I brought them up. (I was trying to be over firm to compensate for my lack of knowledge). She said thank you, we both agreed we felt good about this, and that was that. I think I also felt better because I mentioned the fact that she could rest assured I wasn't going anywhere because I know that God wants me here with this family.
After that, I made a list of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons....I'll post the list on here later. I spent a lot of time in prayer with God and discovered the root of my problem. I have a pretty strong moral compass but here I can't follow it because I have no way of knowing what's wrong and what's right. I got so caught up in advice from home, advice from nannies, advice from A...the last two of which I believe both have their own agendas AND my best interest at heart in their own ways which makes it tricky...I was letting them snuff God's voice out. I realize now if I don't use all the strength in my body to seek the Lord's truth and learn his discernment, I have no chance of making it out of here alive. I felt a lot more at ease though feeling like I had some direction finally and while I feel great now...I will officially be at ease when she tells me my set day off and says we are set at the new salary. Then it will all be over and I can officially go about my business of glorifying the Lord by being the best nanny I can be :)
So that's where we are now...I helped Sirin skype with some family today so that was fun. I have officially written everyone back who has written me but I can't find postage so I'm half way there. Tomorrow, I'm going down to the port again with the kids and after they catch their boat, I'm going to grab the ferry over to Bebek and Laura and I are going to go running together! Yay! I think normalcy may be setting in?
Ok, I think we are officially pretty much caught up. Yay.
Love to you.
I don't feel like it would be in my best interest to rehash the whole thing as only now does it feel like we're getting past it but it wasn't so enjoyable...or at all smooth. It was partly my fault, I showed my inexperience by bringing it up inappropriately...as she wasted no time in pointing out. When she initiated the conversation Defne was in the room and I said, "are you sure it's ok" and she said "of course" but why would she know to say no? She just thought I was talking about my day off! I ambushed her completely. I felt so ridiculous but I was afraid if I mentioned it beforehand it would give her too much time to prepare.
Anyway, she agreed to go up 300 a month which was an improvement but still completely unreasonable. She said she didn't want to talk about this again after we had settled it and I said of course not. I can't remember a lot about it except that I was terrified and I even apologized afterwards for ambushing her. She kept saying, "You know the only reason this is even happening is because you talked to those other nannies and they're putting ideas in your head. But they are professionals and you are not and you can't compare yourself to them...." blah blah blah. She also tried to tell me that my salary included my plane ticket as well which really threw me for a loop.
so I talked to my friend Andrew that night because for some reason I felt like I had let everyone down. I had talked all big about how I would handle this situation and how I was prepared to be firm and then during the whole conversation I was apologizing for seeming disrespectful! I just felt so stupid! Everyone seemed to think that I'm some kind of ballbuster that was just going to make it happen and I practically cowered! Andrew made me feel better though by saying that people only expect me to be the kind of person to see something wrong and try to fix it...the outcome after doing so is anybody's guess. He said bringing it up was part of the battle. That made me feel better.
So a couple days later, Laura and I made plans to meet up so I got the kids up and took them down to the boat then walked left, Laura walked right, and we met after like ten minutes of walking! It was so easy despite the ambiguous plan. Then we walked together to her friend Patria's house. She's like 40 (and just had a baby!), from New Zealand, married to a man from New Zealand that she actually met here, has been working for the same family for the past six years, and is like the mother hen of nannies. She knows everything! It was so nice to sit in a kitchen as she fixed homemade tomato soup and we all chatted in English. It was such comfort.
Apparently, D hadn't told A where I was so she called me asking where I was. "So you took your day off today?"
"No, I didn't leave until after the kids left for school"
"Oh, well why don't you just take the rest of the day and tomorrow morning. Can you get home?"
"Yes, Laura is with me."
"Oh, you're with Laura."
She has an obvious bad taste in her mouth about me being with other nannies because they are filling my head with "grand ideas" and she doesn't like it. Oh well, I was just excited about the prospect of finally having a day off!
"Ok, have fun!"
Of course, my situation came up again and I just continued to feel worse about how screwed I am. I kept getting compared to a Philopino and she said she'd seen prison cells nicer than my room. She said she'd seen some pretty ridiculous nanny rooms but that mine took the cake. It was all very discouraging. I told them it was all very easy to feel empowered and gung ho about talking to A but when it's just the two of us face to face, it's terrifying and I love my wits. And her arugments are so hard to argue with when there's no compassion involved! They just kept congratulating me for being to talk to her at all.
Anyway, we ran some errands with the baby. I got some money exchanged, bought some more counters for my phone, and then Petria and I took a taxi over to some shopping malls for her to buy baby stuff and then we chatted in a Starbucks over drinks and a brownie. It was so blissfully normal. Then we came back to her flat and I met her husband who was lovely, his name was Brent and he calls everyone "love" and it's wonderful. Then the kids she watches came over for dinner and we had soup and mince meat pie and macaroni and cheese! Yuuum! Then we watched Weakest Link until Laura had put her kids to bed at 8:30 and Petria called me a cab.
Their house is HUGE and so whiiiiiite! So much marble and it's so clinical looking it's disgusting. We ate some cake left over by their Valentine's Day party then she showed me around the house. Words can't convey. She has such a nice room! Her bathroom connects to her room AND it's a standup shower! Her closet is huge too! Not fair. But that's life. Then we chose a movie and watched it together and she called me a cab and gave me money to get home. It was such a nice, relaxing break. The taxi ride was a little frustrating...I ended up having to call Cavit and give the phone to the taxi driver so he would know how to find the house.
When I got in A was still up. She told me she had talked to D about the new salary and he agreed..."I had to convince him, but I did it." I hope you're not waiting for a thankyou. When she brought up days off I told her that Mom might be visiting in April and could I take the six days I had missed (I had been working for six weeks before I got a day off) and use them when she came. She gave me a look like, "How did you know to ask that?" followed by "You can't keep acting like you're a professional when you're not. You make these demands because they've been put in your head but you aren't like those people." I don't want to rehash any of it again because I need to move past it but it was worse than the first one. I was firm this time (I actually got her to come up 200 more dollars a month!) but for it, I got accused of being ungrateful and being under the control of the other nannies. (That is also because I told her the plane ticket was standard and if she was going to include it in my salary, she should have said as much when we discussed it so I would know to ask for more as that is just money I will never see).
It was odd...like we were having two completely different conversations with each other, saying the same thing over and over and never convey each other's point. She kept saying, "Caitlin, I keep trying to tell you...but you aren't a professional. I don't think of you as just a nanny. If I did, I wouldn't ask how you are or try to make sure everything was ok with you, I wouldn't pay for your ticket when you were staying such a short time, and if your mother was coming, I would just give you those days off regardless of whether or not you had saved them up...I wouldn't do that for a regular employee. I think of you more as a family friend...you would never have come to do this if you weren't familiar with our family just like I wouldn't have hired you if I didn't know yours. I took a huge risk. I flew someone over here who has no experience or knowledge of the city and can't even stay the standard amount of time I'd like to hire someone for."
"I understand that...but just like it's a risk for you, it's a risk for me too! I took a semester off of school for this, I'm graduating behind my class, it's time away from my family and friends, it's a total pause to my life, I'm a stranger in a place where no one speaks my language, you say I can't stay long enough but it's too long for me! I have to move all of my things to another state when I get home to an apartment, my parents have to reorganize their whole schedule to be able to make this work...it's hard for everyone so I think I deserve to make sure that it is worth it for me as well. I am not saying I'm not grateful to be traveling with you and what not, but regardless I am still working the entire time to even if it's a great experience, I still deserve to be compensated for it. And you keep saying I'm an aupair...light responsiblity. Au pairs are just mother's help, I researched it and they only work 25 hours a week and usually don't even live in. We both know that's not what I am." So on and so fourth...
"It's ok for us to talk about it but not with this attitude these girls are giving you of entitlement. You are changing and I find it very disturbing..."etc.
Ugh...I'm going to stop talking about it! Bottom line: A lot of other things came up and when it was over I felt like I was going to throw up. A feeling that was still there when I woke up the next morning. Before I went to bed she said, "Caitlin, I just want you to know that I like you. The kids like you, it's a good fit, I like you."
"Thank you for telling me that. And thank you for my patience while we get this sorted out. Good night"
The next morning she was up and we spoke some more...and suddenly, I felt real peace. I told her that I had thought about it and I realized now what she meant about it not being a standard situation...she didnt have to let me go to church on Sundays (sometimes, if it works out) in addition to a day off. She didn't have to give me the days off regardless of whether I had earned them for a family visit...in fact, that's unheard of. And she didn't have to fly me over here when I was staying for such a short time (It seems long to us but it isn't at all). I was grateful and appreciative and I feel comfortable with the new salary discussed and a set day off and we won't need to talk about it again afterwards. I thanked her for patience and told her I'd probably ask questions again but would be sure to try to be more tactful of how I brought them up. (I was trying to be over firm to compensate for my lack of knowledge). She said thank you, we both agreed we felt good about this, and that was that. I think I also felt better because I mentioned the fact that she could rest assured I wasn't going anywhere because I know that God wants me here with this family.
After that, I made a list of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons....I'll post the list on here later. I spent a lot of time in prayer with God and discovered the root of my problem. I have a pretty strong moral compass but here I can't follow it because I have no way of knowing what's wrong and what's right. I got so caught up in advice from home, advice from nannies, advice from A...the last two of which I believe both have their own agendas AND my best interest at heart in their own ways which makes it tricky...I was letting them snuff God's voice out. I realize now if I don't use all the strength in my body to seek the Lord's truth and learn his discernment, I have no chance of making it out of here alive. I felt a lot more at ease though feeling like I had some direction finally and while I feel great now...I will officially be at ease when she tells me my set day off and says we are set at the new salary. Then it will all be over and I can officially go about my business of glorifying the Lord by being the best nanny I can be :)
So that's where we are now...I helped Sirin skype with some family today so that was fun. I have officially written everyone back who has written me but I can't find postage so I'm half way there. Tomorrow, I'm going down to the port again with the kids and after they catch their boat, I'm going to grab the ferry over to Bebek and Laura and I are going to go running together! Yay! I think normalcy may be setting in?
Ok, I think we are officially pretty much caught up. Yay.
Love to you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Pslam 91
So where to start...just the highlights. I think I'll blog it in segments as the past three days have been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows it is ridiculous...
Let's start here:
I downloaded a lot of podcast sermons for taking the kids to that Turkish movie. I ended up listening to ones from Mosaic church in California. That's Erwin McManus' church (the guy who wrote Barbarian Way) and it was a series on Pslams. I love Pslams so I stuck with that one. My favorite/the one that most spoke to me was a guy who was talking about Pslam 91 and how his girlfriend has surprised him for his birthday by taking him skydiving because she remembered him saying that he wanted to before I died. He said he panicked, trying to explain that he what he said was that before he died he wanted to be THE KIND OF PERSON who went skydiving. I related. I wanted to be the KIND OF PERSON who picks up and moves to Turkey...but that is not who I am. He want on to talk about the panic he felt about the response he would get after the fact. Then he said it occured to him, "I get to decide how I tell this story." It hit me hard. "God has brought me to this point for a reason, I have a decision to make, and I get to decide how I tell this story. I get to decide if I say, 'I really wanted to but I just couldn't do it, maybe next time' or 'I was terrified but I did it and it was worth every second'"
That is the fork I am standing at now.
I felt like God was gently trying to tell me that it was time for me to suck it up and make a choice. I had had my time of self-pity and difficult adjustment, but it was time to respect the fact He had brought me here for a reason and I need to decide if I'm going to let Him in enough to mold me the way He wishes to here. Sure it is painful and it is harder than anything I have ever done...but the things most worthwhile usually are. Tears actually came to my eyes as I revelled in the fact that God had finally thrown me a bone.
That's a lie...God has thrown me more bones than I deserve. I have been given more love and support from friends, family, and total strangers from home than I could ever dream of. I have been offered advice, protection, and an odd kind of community from people here and I have felt His love through the kindness of strangers. I am so grateful for these things but I admit that I was like a child throwing a tantrum. "I know You've given me all of this, but I want more! I want you to talk to me! I want you to tell me what to do!" The response I got was the scripture of 2 Chronicles 32:31 when God withdrew himself from Hezekiah, straight up left him hanging, to "test him and know everything in his heart". Great. So finally, after this month and a half, God had said to me, "Let's decide together how you will tell this story. My beautiful child, this is not the other nannie's stories, this isn't A's story or Df's or E's. This is the STORY I have written for you and we can finish it together." I was waaay excited and so overwhelmed by the comfort of His love I thought I was now unstoppable.
That is...until I had the salary conversation with A and man, did it go south fast.
But that is another blog...
Pslam 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
I have so many angels gaurding me in all my ways..
God is so good to me.
Let's start here:
I downloaded a lot of podcast sermons for taking the kids to that Turkish movie. I ended up listening to ones from Mosaic church in California. That's Erwin McManus' church (the guy who wrote Barbarian Way) and it was a series on Pslams. I love Pslams so I stuck with that one. My favorite/the one that most spoke to me was a guy who was talking about Pslam 91 and how his girlfriend has surprised him for his birthday by taking him skydiving because she remembered him saying that he wanted to before I died. He said he panicked, trying to explain that he what he said was that before he died he wanted to be THE KIND OF PERSON who went skydiving. I related. I wanted to be the KIND OF PERSON who picks up and moves to Turkey...but that is not who I am. He want on to talk about the panic he felt about the response he would get after the fact. Then he said it occured to him, "I get to decide how I tell this story." It hit me hard. "God has brought me to this point for a reason, I have a decision to make, and I get to decide how I tell this story. I get to decide if I say, 'I really wanted to but I just couldn't do it, maybe next time' or 'I was terrified but I did it and it was worth every second'"
That is the fork I am standing at now.
I felt like God was gently trying to tell me that it was time for me to suck it up and make a choice. I had had my time of self-pity and difficult adjustment, but it was time to respect the fact He had brought me here for a reason and I need to decide if I'm going to let Him in enough to mold me the way He wishes to here. Sure it is painful and it is harder than anything I have ever done...but the things most worthwhile usually are. Tears actually came to my eyes as I revelled in the fact that God had finally thrown me a bone.
That's a lie...God has thrown me more bones than I deserve. I have been given more love and support from friends, family, and total strangers from home than I could ever dream of. I have been offered advice, protection, and an odd kind of community from people here and I have felt His love through the kindness of strangers. I am so grateful for these things but I admit that I was like a child throwing a tantrum. "I know You've given me all of this, but I want more! I want you to talk to me! I want you to tell me what to do!" The response I got was the scripture of 2 Chronicles 32:31 when God withdrew himself from Hezekiah, straight up left him hanging, to "test him and know everything in his heart". Great. So finally, after this month and a half, God had said to me, "Let's decide together how you will tell this story. My beautiful child, this is not the other nannie's stories, this isn't A's story or Df's or E's. This is the STORY I have written for you and we can finish it together." I was waaay excited and so overwhelmed by the comfort of His love I thought I was now unstoppable.
That is...until I had the salary conversation with A and man, did it go south fast.
But that is another blog...
Pslam 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
I have so many angels gaurding me in all my ways..
God is so good to me.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Matthew 5:38-41
I have a lot to blog about...
but I feel like it would be a wiser use of my time to sleep tonight.
Tomorrow, I'm going to leave for the boat port with E. From there I'm walking right and from Laura's house she's walking left and we're going to meet in the middle.
Honestly, I'd rather sleep away my troubles but for my own sake, I need to force myself out of the house :)
Hope to update soon!
Love to you!
but I feel like it would be a wiser use of my time to sleep tonight.
Tomorrow, I'm going to leave for the boat port with E. From there I'm walking right and from Laura's house she's walking left and we're going to meet in the middle.
Honestly, I'd rather sleep away my troubles but for my own sake, I need to force myself out of the house :)
Hope to update soon!
Love to you!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Flower Pots and Falling Postcards
So here's a story I think you might enjoy...
I apologize in advance if it's too much information.
It started yesterday when I attempted at asking Cavit if he was free today to take me to the grocery store real quick. I was really quite proud of how resourceful I was in asking...
I signed on to the byki thing I downloaded (which apparently means "Before You Know It") to learn Turkish and went to the section on Taxi drivers. Then I wrote down the phrase
"Are you free" and looked up "tomorrow" in my dictionary.
Then I wrote down the phrase "Can you take me to..."
and looked up "store" in my dictionary. I also looked up "quickly" so he'd know it wouldn't take much time. To be honest with you, I really just needed tampons.
So I go down to the kitchen where he's sitting and try to ask without looking at my paper but have to pull it out. When he sees what I'm doing he take the paper and looks at it and smiles. He of course, says yes and that Sirin will go too but not before saying (along the lines of) I have got to show Sirin this. So he calls her in from her room and hands her the paper and she cracks up and I just watch sheepishly. "This is great" she says.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." then she comes and strokes my face and hugs me and tells me she loves me. Isn't that sweet?
So anyway, Cavit says we'll all go tomorrow and I'm relieved it was so easy. I go about my day (which was fine, thankfully, TWO IN A ROW!) and after I've put the kids to bed I go down to fix some tea before coming up for some Gossip Girl (A had gone out...without saying goodbye so I didn't get to talk to her about my day off! Which was supposed to be yesterday!) And Yilmus walks in. "What are you doing here?" and I see he's warming up food in the microwave. He looks at me, and in English says, "I'm very hungry, today- too much A." hahahha
He motioned (Turks talk with their hands) that he had been driving her all day and all she did was whine. "I see," I said, laughing.
So he sat down at the table, shoving food in his face as he had somewhere to be, and turned it to a Latin music channel. He stood up and started dancing silly, "I'm D" he said.
"I can't picture D dancing at all."
"When he drinks, big problem...lots of dancing" and he danced some more. I cracked up and Cavit walked in and joined. It was so fun. The kitchen is my second favorite place to be (beside my closet of course) Anyway, after they stopped dancing Cavit walked up to me and saw my paper poking out of my back pocket. He pulled it out and grinned, "Yilmus! Look at this" and I hit him with the towel I was wiping my hands on. Yilmus laughed..."Very good, Caitlin"
Yeah right. You know I'm ridiculous.
Anyway, this morning I got the kids off to school and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't...to much noise this morning and D woke me up to give me my money for the first four weeks. He paid in American dollars which was good...but I was secretly hoping they wouldn't pay me the appropriate amount and I could avoid the whole thing...obviously, that didn't happen. So I got up and got dressed and went to find everyone...apparently today is Cavit and Sirin's new day off so I was suprised they wanted to go with me today. Cavit said we'd go in ten minutes because Sirin was still waking up.
So Cavit and I wait for her upstairs and she walks out, apparently very excited we're all going together. She wraps her arm in my arm and as we approach the car I tell her to sit up front but she says she wants to sit in the back with me. So we drive and once we get to the store we go our separate ways and I get everything I need but start to panic when I can't find the tampons. So I find Sirin and show her one from my purse and say "Nardi" (where?) We got where we think they are (where I already looked) and she can't find them so she goes to Cavit!
"No, no, no!" I run after her. How akward! But it was too late. They talk in Turkish for a bit and he takes us over to the hygene section, bends over, picks up a bag of COTTON BALLS, and hands them to me with a look that says, "This, right?"
No! No not this! What do you think I'm going to do with these?!
So then Sirin asks me to get out the tampon in my purse and show it to him! Perfect.
I do and it's clear he doesn't know but really wants to help so he asks a clerk...the clerk points us directly to where Sirin and I had already been looking. We didn't see them because the box was so small (they don't use applicators here...) I try to grab one quickly to end the whole ordeal but she debates with me over whether or not I should get the super or the normal.
"This is fine, this is fine, let's go!"
But then she picks up the pads..."These are good too, and they smell like lillies!"
"That's great! I actually already have those so..."
"No, smell!"
"I believe you" but she had already picked up a box, lifted the lid, and shoved it under my face.
"Yes, just like lillies" I said then pointed to what I already had.
"I guess that's ok" Sirin shrugged...mine did NOT smell like lillies.
I led her away from the pad section...mission accomplished. As they looked at meats I saw an aisle with trashcans...I've been wanting to buy one but all of them were over 20 tyls and I don't have that to spend currently. Then I saw it...an aisle of flower pots. A plastic one just the right size for 4tyl. Of course...it was on the top shelf. I turned to call to Cavit but he was already gone. I put my basket down, climbed on my tip toes on the bottom shelf and successfully retrieved a tan flower pot. I was very proud of my creativity here and walked to the meats section proudly as well. Cavit looked at my basket of ladies products then to my arm holding the flower pot.
"Did you know you were holding a flower pot?"
"Yes! Thank you very much. It's my trashcan" and I smiled proudly.
He touched my shoulder..."For trash, that's great Caitlin."
I tapped my finger to my temple, "I'm always thinking." I mostly said this to boost my own self-confidence since Sirin was looking at me like I was crazy and I knew they didn't know what I was talking about.
We made our purchases and headed home as Sirin shared a pastry with me. When we got back Cavit unloaded our bags, "here's your trash" he said, laughing...(they forget the can part when they speak it in English)
"Thank you very much"
It was a lovely outing. :)
Now, I'm eating skittles, blogging, sad my day (as I know it) is over since Yilmus and I are leaving in ten minutes to get E and Df for the movie...which is in Turkish :(
But I brought my iPod and I downloaded some sermons so I'm pumped. I can't wait to hear someone speaking about the LORD! Hopefully I got one that will really speak into my life right now.
I fell asleep listening to one last night and something that really caught me was this (or something along these lines):
"Relationships don't flourish because the guilty know they're wrong but because the innocent are merciful"
I need to start praying for guidance on how to be merciful.
I apologize in advance if it's too much information.
It started yesterday when I attempted at asking Cavit if he was free today to take me to the grocery store real quick. I was really quite proud of how resourceful I was in asking...
I signed on to the byki thing I downloaded (which apparently means "Before You Know It") to learn Turkish and went to the section on Taxi drivers. Then I wrote down the phrase
"Are you free" and looked up "tomorrow" in my dictionary.
Then I wrote down the phrase "Can you take me to..."
and looked up "store" in my dictionary. I also looked up "quickly" so he'd know it wouldn't take much time. To be honest with you, I really just needed tampons.
So I go down to the kitchen where he's sitting and try to ask without looking at my paper but have to pull it out. When he sees what I'm doing he take the paper and looks at it and smiles. He of course, says yes and that Sirin will go too but not before saying (along the lines of) I have got to show Sirin this. So he calls her in from her room and hands her the paper and she cracks up and I just watch sheepishly. "This is great" she says.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." then she comes and strokes my face and hugs me and tells me she loves me. Isn't that sweet?
So anyway, Cavit says we'll all go tomorrow and I'm relieved it was so easy. I go about my day (which was fine, thankfully, TWO IN A ROW!) and after I've put the kids to bed I go down to fix some tea before coming up for some Gossip Girl (A had gone out...without saying goodbye so I didn't get to talk to her about my day off! Which was supposed to be yesterday!) And Yilmus walks in. "What are you doing here?" and I see he's warming up food in the microwave. He looks at me, and in English says, "I'm very hungry, today- too much A." hahahha
He motioned (Turks talk with their hands) that he had been driving her all day and all she did was whine. "I see," I said, laughing.
So he sat down at the table, shoving food in his face as he had somewhere to be, and turned it to a Latin music channel. He stood up and started dancing silly, "I'm D" he said.
"I can't picture D dancing at all."
"When he drinks, big problem...lots of dancing" and he danced some more. I cracked up and Cavit walked in and joined. It was so fun. The kitchen is my second favorite place to be (beside my closet of course) Anyway, after they stopped dancing Cavit walked up to me and saw my paper poking out of my back pocket. He pulled it out and grinned, "Yilmus! Look at this" and I hit him with the towel I was wiping my hands on. Yilmus laughed..."Very good, Caitlin"
Yeah right. You know I'm ridiculous.
Anyway, this morning I got the kids off to school and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't...to much noise this morning and D woke me up to give me my money for the first four weeks. He paid in American dollars which was good...but I was secretly hoping they wouldn't pay me the appropriate amount and I could avoid the whole thing...obviously, that didn't happen. So I got up and got dressed and went to find everyone...apparently today is Cavit and Sirin's new day off so I was suprised they wanted to go with me today. Cavit said we'd go in ten minutes because Sirin was still waking up.
So Cavit and I wait for her upstairs and she walks out, apparently very excited we're all going together. She wraps her arm in my arm and as we approach the car I tell her to sit up front but she says she wants to sit in the back with me. So we drive and once we get to the store we go our separate ways and I get everything I need but start to panic when I can't find the tampons. So I find Sirin and show her one from my purse and say "Nardi" (where?) We got where we think they are (where I already looked) and she can't find them so she goes to Cavit!
"No, no, no!" I run after her. How akward! But it was too late. They talk in Turkish for a bit and he takes us over to the hygene section, bends over, picks up a bag of COTTON BALLS, and hands them to me with a look that says, "This, right?"
No! No not this! What do you think I'm going to do with these?!
So then Sirin asks me to get out the tampon in my purse and show it to him! Perfect.
I do and it's clear he doesn't know but really wants to help so he asks a clerk...the clerk points us directly to where Sirin and I had already been looking. We didn't see them because the box was so small (they don't use applicators here...) I try to grab one quickly to end the whole ordeal but she debates with me over whether or not I should get the super or the normal.
"This is fine, this is fine, let's go!"
But then she picks up the pads..."These are good too, and they smell like lillies!"
"That's great! I actually already have those so..."
"No, smell!"
"I believe you" but she had already picked up a box, lifted the lid, and shoved it under my face.
"Yes, just like lillies" I said then pointed to what I already had.
"I guess that's ok" Sirin shrugged...mine did NOT smell like lillies.
I led her away from the pad section...mission accomplished. As they looked at meats I saw an aisle with trashcans...I've been wanting to buy one but all of them were over 20 tyls and I don't have that to spend currently. Then I saw it...an aisle of flower pots. A plastic one just the right size for 4tyl. Of course...it was on the top shelf. I turned to call to Cavit but he was already gone. I put my basket down, climbed on my tip toes on the bottom shelf and successfully retrieved a tan flower pot. I was very proud of my creativity here and walked to the meats section proudly as well. Cavit looked at my basket of ladies products then to my arm holding the flower pot.
"Did you know you were holding a flower pot?"
"Yes! Thank you very much. It's my trashcan" and I smiled proudly.
He touched my shoulder..."For trash, that's great Caitlin."
I tapped my finger to my temple, "I'm always thinking." I mostly said this to boost my own self-confidence since Sirin was looking at me like I was crazy and I knew they didn't know what I was talking about.
We made our purchases and headed home as Sirin shared a pastry with me. When we got back Cavit unloaded our bags, "here's your trash" he said, laughing...(they forget the can part when they speak it in English)
"Thank you very much"
It was a lovely outing. :)
Now, I'm eating skittles, blogging, sad my day (as I know it) is over since Yilmus and I are leaving in ten minutes to get E and Df for the movie...which is in Turkish :(
But I brought my iPod and I downloaded some sermons so I'm pumped. I can't wait to hear someone speaking about the LORD! Hopefully I got one that will really speak into my life right now.
I fell asleep listening to one last night and something that really caught me was this (or something along these lines):
"Relationships don't flourish because the guilty know they're wrong but because the innocent are merciful"
I need to start praying for guidance on how to be merciful.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Pictures! (Finally)
Dear Friends and Family,
And finally....
Lame right?
Love,
Caitlin :)
Df and I infront of the Sound of Music house in Salzberg!
A castle in Salzberg! I of course don't know what it is though just thought it was post-worthy.
E and I on the way to a park.
Nannies in Lech! On the left, Caresse (the American) and on the right, Laura (English)
Df and I at the ski-show
My sledding adventure! And that steeple is from the church I mentioned trying to get into.
And finally....
The lion costume...
pretty anti-climatic, eh?
She refused to try it on so this was the best I could do.
Lame right?And after sewing on all those STINKING ribbons...
she didn't even wear it.
Anyway...there's a glimpse of faces for you to put names with.
I have lots more on facebook though.
Love to you!
We're Gonna Have a Good Day...
and ain't nobody gotta cry today
cause ain't nobody gonna die to
you save that trouble for another day
heyyy we're gonna have a good day"
-Nappy Root "Good Day"
Ok so... the trip back from Austria was much easier than I thought. The kids didn't go to school Monday because we got in past midnight on Sunday night. While D and A were at work Monday I organized the unpacking. I told Sirin which items needed to go to the drycleaners, which needed to be washed, I told Vala which didn't need to be washed but needed to be ironed, I put away everything else...it was so easy I was worried for two days I had done something wrong...but I am yet to be reprimanded so I guess we're ok.
Monday A decided both of the kids needed to go to the doctor because E's nose had been running for three days and had little red bumps around it (?) and Df had some kind of reaction to something and had an itchy rash. The best part was all I had to do was get them ready! I didn't have to go!
Anyway, so they left for the doctor at 2:45 and didn't come back until after 6! It was glorious! You know what else was glorious? When we walked in the door Cavit told me I had lots of letters and stuff. I ran up to my room and there sat two letters, two packages, and my big box from home! It was like Christmas. I couldn't help myself...I opened the letters and packages that night. The letters were wonderful as usual and I got Valentines Day candy in one package and a MIXED CD (with instructions...the best kind!) in the other! It was so great. Then all Monday Sirin kept asking, "When are you going to open the box?" And I said I was waiting til the kids left. As soon as they did I yelled, "Box time!" and Cavit, when we couldn't find scissors, helped me tear it open with a knife. "Whoa" we said at the same time. There was so much food!
But I dug for Greensleeves first. "Teddy" he said and laughed. Then I grabbed the bag of assorted chocolates that was originally meant for E and a box of traveling packs of Oreos and took them downstairs. "This is for you and Sirin and Vala" I told him. He tried to argue but I said no and left. I am now the proud owner of double stuffed oreos, wheat thins, ritz bitz, two seasons of Friends, stationary, books, granola cereal, sheet music, some other random things, and Greensleeves of course :) I unloaded everything and hung some things up on my wall from my letters. It was so exciting, I'm really starting to feel like this place is mine. I don't care that it's a closet, it's MY closet! Then I went downstairs with my sheet music and set up camp...I played all kinds of things for a while-Josh Groban, old recital pieces, worship music...then all of the sudden the door bell rang and someone walked in to the bathroom. I kept playing because I thought it was Cavit or something but then A's father walked in. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but I'm a little afraid of her parents. They're so Turkish...and so rich. A combination still very foreign to me.
I immediately picked up all my music and started to leave...
"No, keep playing."
"No no...I don't play anymore. I'm rusty."
"It would be better than akward silence. Let the music continue."
And with that he sat down in the dark behind me. Creeper
"Well at least let me turn on the light" so I got up and turned it on then sat back down at the bench shaking...I HATE playing for people. I hate it. Especially this guy, his wife is way into music and he'd know bad playing when he heard it. I would finish a song and sometimes he'd say something, sometimes he wouldn't. He answered his phone once so I thought that was my out but as soon as he hung up he said, "It's very nice, continue."
I played until I ran out of music. "That's all I have"
"Don't you have something memorized. You must have more!"
"No, I'm sorry, I don't."
So before he could argue I asked him how his day was which led into what he does for a living which led into travel which led into suggestions for me which led into what I wanted...
"Ah yes, so public transportation. Do you have any recommendations?"
He actually gave me some good ones, I just need a map now so I can figure out how to use them. I offered him the television upstairs but he told me to use it so I sat and watched TV as he played hearts on A's computer...it was kind of awkward. I was actually relieved when I heard the family come in downstairs.
I met them at the door. Df yelled, "E has to stay home for two days!"
WHAT?! He just had a runny nose!
"And I have to get my tooth pulled!"
The rest of my night was dedicated to learning all the new medications to administer for Df's rash and E's bacterial infection. It was a long night and the next day was no better...
I got Df up for school with very little problems but my day with E was HORRIBLE. Six trantrums AT LEAST, sometimes for no reason at all. Once, Sirin told him something to tell me and he got irate, "No! How many times to I have to say? I'm tired of saying things over and over again!" and he went to the top of the stairs, screaming. "E, I will not play with you while you are behaving this way. Let me know when you have calmed down."
Once I left he screamed for Cavit, then Sirin, then Vala. I told all of them not to respond when he was screaming. Another time later in the kitchen, he did it again and Sirin and Vala went after him and he ran yelling from the room. I looked at Vala very sternly and said, "Hiyer" (No.) She widened her eyes at my tone, "Tomom" (ok) and ran after Sirin, telling her I didn't want them interfering, so that was progress. I've never had such angry feelings toward a kid but trust me, they were there. The knowledge I wasn't getting paid for this crap certainly didn't help.
I don't remember much about the rest of the day but after I got the kids in bed I came out to the TV room where A was and straight up said, "Today was difficult."
She looked up, "tell me about it."
So I sat down and said, "I have never worked with a child who throws tantrums as frequently as E does, especially at his age, it isn't normal. I don't even know what will set him off anymore"
And we talked about it a while. It was an interesting conversation. She was very attentive-maintained eye contact the whole time and didn't look at me with any judgement. Her opinions on things were intriguing- some I thought were very valid and others I disagreed with but ultimately, they are her children and I have to learn that even though I'm the ones that deal with them the most...it can only be my way so much and still be effective. What I liked most that she said was that, "You seem to see things in black and white with children. You are wrong there. They aren't dogs." Direct hit. It's so true. She gave me some examples and we talked about it and she told me she had pulled E aside in Austria and said, "I brought Caitlin because I trust her. She is your au pair now and you have to listen to her" I told her that might need to be reiterated. She can't mediate every time he runs to her. She isn'there and she doesn't know the situations, she agreed. I also liked where she pointed out, "Witholding privledges from a child when they misbehave is fine as long as they know you aren't withholding love. It needs to be clear that the BEHAVIOR is bad, not their CHARACTER" so we talked about way to put that into effect.
I went to bed feeling ok about it, not great but pretty good. The next morning I got Df off to school and before E got up I prayed A LOT. I asked other people to as well so I attribute the day to that, nothing I did. But not one tantrum! I will say, I think God spoke to me yesterday...finally. A ended up staying home all morning with us. The three of us played a game together and I think it was progress too. It was good for E to see A and I interact and it was good for me to see them interact. As the rest of the day progressed I tried to think about why it was going better and I realized it was because I was faking it more since A was always in the next room. Ok so, now I know it's not all E's fault... I'm not putting forth as much effort as I could then I thought so to make this better I should just always act as if A is in the next room.
Then a voice said in my head, "Caitlin, why don't you act like I'm in the next room?"
My heart broke. A is my boss, but I don't serve her. I serve the Lord and I have forgotten that. It's like I thought for some reason because these people don't know Christ they won't care if I act like I do or not...and they won't. But it's THAT MUCH more important. I couldn't stop apologizing to God.
The three of us left at 3 for a birthday party E was going to. It was like a Chuck E Cheese type thing...he was the the third kid there and it was pretty quiet. "I hope you don't get bored" A said.
"I brought a book".
I can be pretty dumb sometimes.
As if I could read. Within twenty minutes about a MILLION kids showed up and it was chaos from there on out...not awful or anything...just chaos. I will say the biggest drawback was having so many of the mothers in one place...something about how they dress and smell and all...it made me dizzy having them so concentrated in one place. But at least E got to get out of the house and get out some energy. I spent that party, and the rest of the night being as passive as possible because I was determined to keep it a CLEAN DAY...not one tantrum.
I got the kids in bed early that night, as per request of A and D was home so that helped a lot. I spent the night finding sermons off of iTunes with the very generous help of many. A had told me I'm taking the kids to a movie on Friday all in Turkish so I should take my iPod. Then I skpyed with some people I hadn't gotten to yet and it was MAGICAL. A got home from her class and I went out to say hello. She said she had noticed today was better. This morning I got the kids up and A got up to be motherly (she does that sometimes) and once we got them off I told her I was going back to bed...I realized today was Thursday, my SUPPOSED day off and she hadn't even mentioned it. My days were all screwed up so I thought it was Wednesday...too late now. "You finally get to relax now huh?" she asked as I cleaned up after the kids.
"It's about time."
"Oh...that's true" for the first time realize how long it had been. I was too tired to go into it so I think I'll try tonight.
I went back to bed for several hours, woke up, took a BATH, listened to some short devotionals I'd downloaded, fixed some lunch, did a day in the Purpose Driven Life, read the Bible, video chatted with Charry!, caught up with Laura (who is home now and I think we're going to make plans for next week!), and now I'm here...because I promised some people an update :)
Today's lesson in the Purpose Driven Life was on how life isn't about the here and now...eternity is what will count the most. I realized what I need to be doing is STOP living as if this is permanent and START treating it as what it is: a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and a tremendous growing opportunity. I need to just draw as close to God as humany possible and allow him to shape me. It's really painful but if it wasn't...it wouldn't be growing. So that's my new plan...more dedication to keeping God in the equation. He has been so good to know, how can I keep leaving him out? I'll need pray for that :)
Anyway, I need to go get a snack and see if I can somehow ask Cavit to take me to the grocery store tomorrow. Also, I'm going to try to download pictures soon...but the kids will be home in a few minutes so I can't promise anything.
Love to you all...
thanks for all the support...
again :)
cause ain't nobody gonna die to
you save that trouble for another day
heyyy we're gonna have a good day"
-Nappy Root "Good Day"
Ok so... the trip back from Austria was much easier than I thought. The kids didn't go to school Monday because we got in past midnight on Sunday night. While D and A were at work Monday I organized the unpacking. I told Sirin which items needed to go to the drycleaners, which needed to be washed, I told Vala which didn't need to be washed but needed to be ironed, I put away everything else...it was so easy I was worried for two days I had done something wrong...but I am yet to be reprimanded so I guess we're ok.
Monday A decided both of the kids needed to go to the doctor because E's nose had been running for three days and had little red bumps around it (?) and Df had some kind of reaction to something and had an itchy rash. The best part was all I had to do was get them ready! I didn't have to go!
Sidestory: So the planride was super easy. I sad with Df and D and they did homework so I got to read the whole time! (Angels and Demons, A loaned it to me, she wouldn't let me take Purpose Driven Life because it was hardback and I might mess it up in my backpack "And besides, we haven't read it yet" like you ever will) And A was sitting across the aisle with E who after he fell asleep too she just read as well and occasionally asked me what certain words meant. Then all of the sudden she leans across the aisle and says, "Caitlin, I think when we get home we should all take medicine."
"What? Why?"
"Because these people behind us have been coughing the whole time. I think they're really sick."
"Hmmm"
Then later in the car she said it again, "I just dont't want the kids' metobilisms to go down"
...?
For her sake, I really hope she meant something about their immunity systems (though that would be incorrect as well)
Anyway, so they left for the doctor at 2:45 and didn't come back until after 6! It was glorious! You know what else was glorious? When we walked in the door Cavit told me I had lots of letters and stuff. I ran up to my room and there sat two letters, two packages, and my big box from home! It was like Christmas. I couldn't help myself...I opened the letters and packages that night. The letters were wonderful as usual and I got Valentines Day candy in one package and a MIXED CD (with instructions...the best kind!) in the other! It was so great. Then all Monday Sirin kept asking, "When are you going to open the box?" And I said I was waiting til the kids left. As soon as they did I yelled, "Box time!" and Cavit, when we couldn't find scissors, helped me tear it open with a knife. "Whoa" we said at the same time. There was so much food!
But I dug for Greensleeves first. "Teddy" he said and laughed. Then I grabbed the bag of assorted chocolates that was originally meant for E and a box of traveling packs of Oreos and took them downstairs. "This is for you and Sirin and Vala" I told him. He tried to argue but I said no and left. I am now the proud owner of double stuffed oreos, wheat thins, ritz bitz, two seasons of Friends, stationary, books, granola cereal, sheet music, some other random things, and Greensleeves of course :) I unloaded everything and hung some things up on my wall from my letters. It was so exciting, I'm really starting to feel like this place is mine. I don't care that it's a closet, it's MY closet! Then I went downstairs with my sheet music and set up camp...I played all kinds of things for a while-Josh Groban, old recital pieces, worship music...then all of the sudden the door bell rang and someone walked in to the bathroom. I kept playing because I thought it was Cavit or something but then A's father walked in. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but I'm a little afraid of her parents. They're so Turkish...and so rich. A combination still very foreign to me.
I immediately picked up all my music and started to leave...
"No, keep playing."
"No no...I don't play anymore. I'm rusty."
"It would be better than akward silence. Let the music continue."
And with that he sat down in the dark behind me. Creeper
"Well at least let me turn on the light" so I got up and turned it on then sat back down at the bench shaking...I HATE playing for people. I hate it. Especially this guy, his wife is way into music and he'd know bad playing when he heard it. I would finish a song and sometimes he'd say something, sometimes he wouldn't. He answered his phone once so I thought that was my out but as soon as he hung up he said, "It's very nice, continue."
I played until I ran out of music. "That's all I have"
"Don't you have something memorized. You must have more!"
"No, I'm sorry, I don't."
So before he could argue I asked him how his day was which led into what he does for a living which led into travel which led into suggestions for me which led into what I wanted...
"Ah yes, so public transportation. Do you have any recommendations?"
He actually gave me some good ones, I just need a map now so I can figure out how to use them. I offered him the television upstairs but he told me to use it so I sat and watched TV as he played hearts on A's computer...it was kind of awkward. I was actually relieved when I heard the family come in downstairs.
I met them at the door. Df yelled, "E has to stay home for two days!"
WHAT?! He just had a runny nose!
"And I have to get my tooth pulled!"
The rest of my night was dedicated to learning all the new medications to administer for Df's rash and E's bacterial infection. It was a long night and the next day was no better...
I got Df up for school with very little problems but my day with E was HORRIBLE. Six trantrums AT LEAST, sometimes for no reason at all. Once, Sirin told him something to tell me and he got irate, "No! How many times to I have to say? I'm tired of saying things over and over again!" and he went to the top of the stairs, screaming. "E, I will not play with you while you are behaving this way. Let me know when you have calmed down."
Once I left he screamed for Cavit, then Sirin, then Vala. I told all of them not to respond when he was screaming. Another time later in the kitchen, he did it again and Sirin and Vala went after him and he ran yelling from the room. I looked at Vala very sternly and said, "Hiyer" (No.) She widened her eyes at my tone, "Tomom" (ok) and ran after Sirin, telling her I didn't want them interfering, so that was progress. I've never had such angry feelings toward a kid but trust me, they were there. The knowledge I wasn't getting paid for this crap certainly didn't help.
I don't remember much about the rest of the day but after I got the kids in bed I came out to the TV room where A was and straight up said, "Today was difficult."
She looked up, "tell me about it."
So I sat down and said, "I have never worked with a child who throws tantrums as frequently as E does, especially at his age, it isn't normal. I don't even know what will set him off anymore"
And we talked about it a while. It was an interesting conversation. She was very attentive-maintained eye contact the whole time and didn't look at me with any judgement. Her opinions on things were intriguing- some I thought were very valid and others I disagreed with but ultimately, they are her children and I have to learn that even though I'm the ones that deal with them the most...it can only be my way so much and still be effective. What I liked most that she said was that, "You seem to see things in black and white with children. You are wrong there. They aren't dogs." Direct hit. It's so true. She gave me some examples and we talked about it and she told me she had pulled E aside in Austria and said, "I brought Caitlin because I trust her. She is your au pair now and you have to listen to her" I told her that might need to be reiterated. She can't mediate every time he runs to her. She isn'there and she doesn't know the situations, she agreed. I also liked where she pointed out, "Witholding privledges from a child when they misbehave is fine as long as they know you aren't withholding love. It needs to be clear that the BEHAVIOR is bad, not their CHARACTER" so we talked about way to put that into effect.
I went to bed feeling ok about it, not great but pretty good. The next morning I got Df off to school and before E got up I prayed A LOT. I asked other people to as well so I attribute the day to that, nothing I did. But not one tantrum! I will say, I think God spoke to me yesterday...finally. A ended up staying home all morning with us. The three of us played a game together and I think it was progress too. It was good for E to see A and I interact and it was good for me to see them interact. As the rest of the day progressed I tried to think about why it was going better and I realized it was because I was faking it more since A was always in the next room. Ok so, now I know it's not all E's fault... I'm not putting forth as much effort as I could then I thought so to make this better I should just always act as if A is in the next room.
Then a voice said in my head, "Caitlin, why don't you act like I'm in the next room?"
My heart broke. A is my boss, but I don't serve her. I serve the Lord and I have forgotten that. It's like I thought for some reason because these people don't know Christ they won't care if I act like I do or not...and they won't. But it's THAT MUCH more important. I couldn't stop apologizing to God.
The three of us left at 3 for a birthday party E was going to. It was like a Chuck E Cheese type thing...he was the the third kid there and it was pretty quiet. "I hope you don't get bored" A said.
"I brought a book".
I can be pretty dumb sometimes.
As if I could read. Within twenty minutes about a MILLION kids showed up and it was chaos from there on out...not awful or anything...just chaos. I will say the biggest drawback was having so many of the mothers in one place...something about how they dress and smell and all...it made me dizzy having them so concentrated in one place. But at least E got to get out of the house and get out some energy. I spent that party, and the rest of the night being as passive as possible because I was determined to keep it a CLEAN DAY...not one tantrum.
I got the kids in bed early that night, as per request of A and D was home so that helped a lot. I spent the night finding sermons off of iTunes with the very generous help of many. A had told me I'm taking the kids to a movie on Friday all in Turkish so I should take my iPod. Then I skpyed with some people I hadn't gotten to yet and it was MAGICAL. A got home from her class and I went out to say hello. She said she had noticed today was better. This morning I got the kids up and A got up to be motherly (she does that sometimes) and once we got them off I told her I was going back to bed...I realized today was Thursday, my SUPPOSED day off and she hadn't even mentioned it. My days were all screwed up so I thought it was Wednesday...too late now. "You finally get to relax now huh?" she asked as I cleaned up after the kids.
"It's about time."
"Oh...that's true" for the first time realize how long it had been. I was too tired to go into it so I think I'll try tonight.
I went back to bed for several hours, woke up, took a BATH, listened to some short devotionals I'd downloaded, fixed some lunch, did a day in the Purpose Driven Life, read the Bible, video chatted with Charry!, caught up with Laura (who is home now and I think we're going to make plans for next week!), and now I'm here...because I promised some people an update :)
Today's lesson in the Purpose Driven Life was on how life isn't about the here and now...eternity is what will count the most. I realized what I need to be doing is STOP living as if this is permanent and START treating it as what it is: a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and a tremendous growing opportunity. I need to just draw as close to God as humany possible and allow him to shape me. It's really painful but if it wasn't...it wouldn't be growing. So that's my new plan...more dedication to keeping God in the equation. He has been so good to know, how can I keep leaving him out? I'll need pray for that :)
Anyway, I need to go get a snack and see if I can somehow ask Cavit to take me to the grocery store tomorrow. Also, I'm going to try to download pictures soon...but the kids will be home in a few minutes so I can't promise anything.
Love to you all...
thanks for all the support...
again :)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I Lift My Eyes Unto the Hills
I made it back to Istanbul in one piece...it was much less painful than I was expecting and I'm actually really glad to be back. The letters and packages awaiting me certainly helped :) I am so blessed, I can't even tell you.
Anyway, it's about 2 am here and the kids are skipping school tomorrow so I should really get some sleep. I just wanted to share this because the lyrics really struck a chord with me this past week. I'm not usually a huge Pop-Christian music fan just because it sounds too cheesy to me but I had to listen to my iPod everynight all night in order to try and block out E's constant SCREAMING and I wanted to hear something positive so I happened upon Casting Crown's Lifesong album....it was such a comfort and I would recommend it.
The part that says, "You are who you are, no matter where I am" was big for me...it's something I'm still struggling with. But it was so clear God used this trip as a way to shower me with hope...not just love, not just comfort, which was all there, but he made it abundantly clear that he wanted me to recognize it as HOPE. I am very thankful.
Much love.
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth..."
"Praise You in the Storm"- Casting Crowns
Anyway, it's about 2 am here and the kids are skipping school tomorrow so I should really get some sleep. I just wanted to share this because the lyrics really struck a chord with me this past week. I'm not usually a huge Pop-Christian music fan just because it sounds too cheesy to me but I had to listen to my iPod everynight all night in order to try and block out E's constant SCREAMING and I wanted to hear something positive so I happened upon Casting Crown's Lifesong album....it was such a comfort and I would recommend it.
The part that says, "You are who you are, no matter where I am" was big for me...it's something I'm still struggling with. But it was so clear God used this trip as a way to shower me with hope...not just love, not just comfort, which was all there, but he made it abundantly clear that he wanted me to recognize it as HOPE. I am very thankful.
Much love.
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth..."
"Praise You in the Storm"- Casting Crowns
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Hope dangles on a string...
...like slow spinning redemption,
winding and winding out,
the shine of it has caught my eye."
Nothing like a little Dashboard :)
So the past couple of days have been exhausting but good.
E is clearly tired and I can't blame him. His nose is running like a faucet, they aren't eating or sleeping properly, etc. But still...I can only take so many tantrums.
I told A yesterday that when we get back to Istanbul we should all talk about the best way to handle his behavior but it wasn't really received with any enthusiasm. I'll try to push it again later...mostly because twice I've seen him being accidently rewarded for bad behavior by his parents which makes my job even harder because then he runs to them everytime we have a problem. Neither them nor myself have time for that. It's like my dad said...they won't me to have authority without actually helping me get any...it's ridiculous.
But it's almost over...we leave tomorrow morning. I can't wait to get back into a schedule. Sadly, Caresse and Laura will be gone for a bit but like I said, the hope of having help creating a normal life is more than enough. I can't even tell you.
Today was a godsend too. A and D decided they'd all ski today as a family so I had more time to myself. I showered, I packed their stuff, I videochatted with mom (FINALLY), I folded all their dirty clothes (I know...absurd.), I got my stuff packed, I went to the pharmacy and got E some more medicine for his nose, and a store to get postcards! YAY! I tried to get in a church I had seen down the street...but it was very locked and very Catholic so I wasn't sure if it was ok. I was very sad...the thought of sitting in a church made me so excited there were actual tears in my eyes but instead I walked back in the newly fallen snow and chatted with God as I went...still ok I suppose :)
When I came back I asked the front desk if they had some envelopes and they did so I made some things for the people who have sent me letters and they said they'd take it to the post office for me on Monday and charge the postage to my room...I hope D doesn't mind. Ah! So excited! Because who knows how long it will be before I figure out how to find my way to the postoffice in Istanbul.
One of the other mothers invited me to eat with them which was shocking so I did...she doesn't ski because she has a brain anyurism? Then they all left and the waiters came and talked to me. One of the guys said, "I bet you don't mind that they left you alone. You don't get to be alone a lot do you?"
"Haha how could you tell?"
And we chatted for a bit which was nice. He gave me a chocolate milkshake to take up to the room with me while I packed their stuff. I love the kindness of strangers.
Update: Caresse and I talked and it wouldn't make sense for me to ask for a 25% more on holidays since I'm a live-in. What Laura says is that she just sucks it up and goes the whole time then takes the days off she's missed and uses them when she get back all together to take a real holiday....so I guess that's what I'll do. And I won't ask her to pay for my phone if she pays me the reasonable amount because all I will have to do is periodically buy units which I don't go through fast since I mostly just call A. So really, the pay raise is the biggest issue right now. I think I'll say since I agreed to what I'm getting now, she can still pay me that for this past month of work but from now on, something more reasonable. And day and a half a week off is standan so I'll still ask for all Sundays and Monday mornings.
She also went online with me to show me how I could open a bank account and it actually looks pretty simple. She said she'd even go to the bank with me one day to help me open the account. How great is that? She's not back until the 23rd but I can wait :)
Anyway, E is begging me to go play foozeball so I'm off. Hopefully I'll be able to update after we're back to Istanbul.
Love to you :)
winding and winding out,
the shine of it has caught my eye."
Nothing like a little Dashboard :)
So the past couple of days have been exhausting but good.
E is clearly tired and I can't blame him. His nose is running like a faucet, they aren't eating or sleeping properly, etc. But still...I can only take so many tantrums.
I told A yesterday that when we get back to Istanbul we should all talk about the best way to handle his behavior but it wasn't really received with any enthusiasm. I'll try to push it again later...mostly because twice I've seen him being accidently rewarded for bad behavior by his parents which makes my job even harder because then he runs to them everytime we have a problem. Neither them nor myself have time for that. It's like my dad said...they won't me to have authority without actually helping me get any...it's ridiculous.
But it's almost over...we leave tomorrow morning. I can't wait to get back into a schedule. Sadly, Caresse and Laura will be gone for a bit but like I said, the hope of having help creating a normal life is more than enough. I can't even tell you.
Today was a godsend too. A and D decided they'd all ski today as a family so I had more time to myself. I showered, I packed their stuff, I videochatted with mom (FINALLY), I folded all their dirty clothes (I know...absurd.), I got my stuff packed, I went to the pharmacy and got E some more medicine for his nose, and a store to get postcards! YAY! I tried to get in a church I had seen down the street...but it was very locked and very Catholic so I wasn't sure if it was ok. I was very sad...the thought of sitting in a church made me so excited there were actual tears in my eyes but instead I walked back in the newly fallen snow and chatted with God as I went...still ok I suppose :)
When I came back I asked the front desk if they had some envelopes and they did so I made some things for the people who have sent me letters and they said they'd take it to the post office for me on Monday and charge the postage to my room...I hope D doesn't mind. Ah! So excited! Because who knows how long it will be before I figure out how to find my way to the postoffice in Istanbul.
One of the other mothers invited me to eat with them which was shocking so I did...she doesn't ski because she has a brain anyurism? Then they all left and the waiters came and talked to me. One of the guys said, "I bet you don't mind that they left you alone. You don't get to be alone a lot do you?"
"Haha how could you tell?"
And we chatted for a bit which was nice. He gave me a chocolate milkshake to take up to the room with me while I packed their stuff. I love the kindness of strangers.
Update: Caresse and I talked and it wouldn't make sense for me to ask for a 25% more on holidays since I'm a live-in. What Laura says is that she just sucks it up and goes the whole time then takes the days off she's missed and uses them when she get back all together to take a real holiday....so I guess that's what I'll do. And I won't ask her to pay for my phone if she pays me the reasonable amount because all I will have to do is periodically buy units which I don't go through fast since I mostly just call A. So really, the pay raise is the biggest issue right now. I think I'll say since I agreed to what I'm getting now, she can still pay me that for this past month of work but from now on, something more reasonable. And day and a half a week off is standan so I'll still ask for all Sundays and Monday mornings.
She also went online with me to show me how I could open a bank account and it actually looks pretty simple. She said she'd even go to the bank with me one day to help me open the account. How great is that? She's not back until the 23rd but I can wait :)
Anyway, E is begging me to go play foozeball so I'm off. Hopefully I'll be able to update after we're back to Istanbul.
Love to you :)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The Character of Americans
I forgot to tell this story...it was interesting.
So I'm down in the play room with E right? And they have a nanny on call all the time down there who happens to be a guy and obviously, he is starved for conversation because as soon as I get there he's talking my ear off about what I think of Obama, if I like skiing, what I think of my job, etc. Then he says randomly, "But I can tell you have that (insert some word I don't know here) that Italians calls (some Italian word I don't know here)"
"I'm sorry I don't know what that means."
"What would you call it English? It's when they (makes all these sounds)
"I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're trying to say."
"I'm going to find out" and he actually calls a friend on the phone to ask what it would be in English.
"Spirit!" he yells after returning.
"What?"
"I can see you have a lot of spirit."
Well that's good to know.
"What in the world makes you say that?"
"The other day, you were in here dealing with a difficult child and when you were trying to give him direction you said, 'look at me in the eye and tell me you understand' and then another day when he made a rude face you told him that was not acceptable."
"Yes...and...?"
"You speak as someone who knows what they want and are not afraid to persue it."
"Hmmm."
"I think that is the character of Americans. In American, indepence is stressed. You have to work for what you want...here things are very often just acquired."
"Well, that I completely agree with. But I wouldn't say that means I'm spirited...I'm stern because I have to be."
"That's ok...I can see a big spirit inside of you."
So I guess it was nice to know it's still there...
yet after being around him constantly for the past four days...
he's kind of crazy so you should probably take it all with a grain of salt.
He also asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day so...
So I'm down in the play room with E right? And they have a nanny on call all the time down there who happens to be a guy and obviously, he is starved for conversation because as soon as I get there he's talking my ear off about what I think of Obama, if I like skiing, what I think of my job, etc. Then he says randomly, "But I can tell you have that (insert some word I don't know here) that Italians calls (some Italian word I don't know here)"
"I'm sorry I don't know what that means."
"What would you call it English? It's when they (makes all these sounds)
"I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're trying to say."
"I'm going to find out" and he actually calls a friend on the phone to ask what it would be in English.
"Spirit!" he yells after returning.
"What?"
"I can see you have a lot of spirit."
Well that's good to know.
"What in the world makes you say that?"
"The other day, you were in here dealing with a difficult child and when you were trying to give him direction you said, 'look at me in the eye and tell me you understand' and then another day when he made a rude face you told him that was not acceptable."
"Yes...and...?"
"You speak as someone who knows what they want and are not afraid to persue it."
"Hmmm."
"I think that is the character of Americans. In American, indepence is stressed. You have to work for what you want...here things are very often just acquired."
"Well, that I completely agree with. But I wouldn't say that means I'm spirited...I'm stern because I have to be."
"That's ok...I can see a big spirit inside of you."
So I guess it was nice to know it's still there...
yet after being around him constantly for the past four days...
he's kind of crazy so you should probably take it all with a grain of salt.
He also asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day so...
"Just keep your head down, darling."
So I don't remember a lot of the conversation now but I told her about how hard it was for me to get used to how these people are...how I'd never been part of this world.
"You don't want to be part of it, darling." Laura said.
"No, I don't at all...that's why I don't know if I should even stay here. It doesn't seem worth it. I like kids...but I not enough to be their second mother!"
Then we talked about how she could count on one hand how many times she'd seen "her" parents go up into their rooms and tell them goodnight and she's been there six months.
"That makes me sick. I didn't sign up for this."
Which brought up the question of how much I'm being paid. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen...I am being completely screwed. After talking to Laura and Caresse, I found out the standard pay, the standard days off, so on and so forth and I'm not getting any of it. What aggravates me about this is that A knew when she hired me and discusses salary that I had no way of knowing what was acceptable. I told her that and she had to know the site I used was outdated/incorrect as she's had three other nannies, one of which I know now for a fact got twice as much as I did and she only worked three days a week! Unacceptable. I'm getting through this holiday, doing some more research (Laura and Caresse gave me some awesome sites to back myself up with), getting settled back in Istanbul then we're having a sit down.
Anyway, I asked Laura if she ever got less scared of interacting with her mom, she said no. That made me feel better to know it isn't just me who can't get past it. Laura said, "No, you'll gain more confidence but it never quite goes away...just keep your head down, darling." I don't mean to sound conceited but I don't feel like I was made to be the kind of person to "keep their head down" so I'm still praying about what God's intentions are here.
Anyway, then Laura and I met Caresse and we walked to the ski lift to catch it and meet the kids for lunch. Caresse kept saying, "I don't mean to make you feel badly but I'm very upset about your salary. Yes you're younger than is usual, yes you're inexperienced but my first job I got twice what you're being paid and I didn't even live-in. You need to talk to A. Of the moms, she seems to be one of the more reasonable, she might surprise you."
"If she's funny about it, I can get you another job...and you can tell her that."
Caresse also gave me sites to look at that talk about public transportation and churches and what not. "We'll help you, don't worry."
Laura said, "She's religious as well so hands down A has to give her Sunday off so she can go to church, she can't say no. I can help you find an English speaking church also."
I felt HOPE flooding all over my body and it was a beautiful feeling.
Caresse has lived in Turkey for years and is married to a Turkish man so she knows her way around. Laura is ballsy so she helps me feel brave. With their support, I knew I could handle this with A. I'm not worried guys, so please don't any of you be either. She NEEDS a nanny, I don't NEED to be one. Walking away wouldn't cause a problem for me like it would for her.
Laura rents from Heather (the Canadian) on the weekends and Laura said, "come and stay with us whenever you want to get away."
"I don't want to be an inconvenience."
"You wouldn't be an inconvenience...you'd just be another part of the nanny family. We have to take care of each other."
:)
God is good, huh?
Talking with them these last couple days has been so good for my heart. We've exchanged numbers and emails and Laura said when we all get back she can show me the affordable places to go shopping, we can work out together (PRAISE GOD) at her family's gym, etc. Holy cow, I can't wait to start actually LIVING a real life here. I'm sad though because Caresse is taking her first holiday in years when they get back and won't be back until the 23rd and Laura is going home for three days because her grandmother died. So I need to wait until Laura gets back at least so I will have somewhere to run in the event the talk goes south fast.
It's so strange though...I can tell the more time I spend with them that A seems to actually like me. She laughs at a lot of things I say and has broken the physical barrier...she walks up to me and rubs my arm asking how I am. The other day she called me over and said, "Caitlin, I haven't asked how you are. How are you doing here? Is everything ok?"
Yesterday was her birthday and I asked if they were doing anything as a family.
"We're having cake at 4...but you're family too, Caitlin. Please join us."
I told Laura and she was blown away...but granted, she has the absolute meanest mother. She acts more like royalty than the king and queen of Jordan! (Who I said good morning to by the way and they wished me the same!) She made sure D had given me money to pay for passes and stuff to meet the kids and he had, "Well if you're out or something, buy youself a coffee with it. Enjoy yourself. And let me know when you want some of your salary if you want to buy anything." So how can she seem to enjoy me so much yet feel so completely fine with taking advantage of me? I'm not used to people without consciences. It's kind of unsettling, really.
Anyway, since I know half of you will ask...here is a list of terms of will be discussing with A that I know she knows are completely reasonable:
1. I need to be getting paid over double what I am now.
2. On holidays like this that are over a week I need a day off a week and AT LEAST a 25% raise
3. I need all of Sundays off and Monday morning (giving me a Thursday off is like giving me a half day! The kids are in school!)
4. She should be paying for my phone...I only use it to talk to her.
And that's it for now. I'll keep you posted if anything else comes up.
Anyway, I've actually enjoyed this vacation because living with the kids...clothing, feeding, putting them to bed, waking them up, giving them medicine, etc. it enables me to establish some kind of authority and consistency.I can already see a huge improvement in E listening to me. They only problem is...this is only occuring because there's so little interference from their parents so once we go back home it's going to be that much harder...you throw in three extra caregivers (Cavit, Sirin, Vala...sometimes Yilmus) and I'm screwed. But still, I'm looking at it as a positive opportunity to lay a foundation I can build on when we get home.
What else...I went sleddingwith Caresse and some of the little kids. It was like no sledding I had ever encountered! It was just a try with a little stick jutting up between your legs to hold on to. You steered and slowed down with your heels! It was this huge hill with sharp turns and narrow roads and all that separated you and the edge of the cliff was orange tape. I don't know about you...but if I go flying through snow on a plastic TRAY, some orange tape isn't going to stop me. But it was a fun experience and I'm glad I did it.
What else...I'm eating my weight in food. Laura and I promised each other we would work out when we got back to Istanbul and in a routine. She told me one day over dinner, "Just get fat...it's our only comfort." I think I already said that but I just think it was really funny. Because it's true...even now we don't have any time to ourselves to indulge in relaxing...all we have is meals. For example, E was up the other night ALL NIGHT (so I was too of course) crying and yelling in his sleep! To the point, I thought there was something wrong and I woke him up several times only to annoy him as he apparently thought he was sleeping soundly. Yet the next day, he was exhausted so instead of skiing...he spent all day with me. Then he got a cold of course...and I was instructed to get up every couple of hours to check his fever for the past TWO NIGHTS. Even my sleep isn't mine anymore.
That's another thing that made me feel better...talking to the nannies about how weird these people are about their kids getting sick. And they get sick ALL THE TIME because they live in a bubble. To walk from the car to the door they have to put on full winter wear...they can't walk around the house witout socks on (if their feet are even a LITTLE cold, they must have a fever)...if they get hot running around they have to change immediately because sitting in their own sweat will give them a fever. Laura put it perfectly I think when she said, "for educated people, I just don't understand how they can be so stupid." And it's so true. We can't even open windows because they'll catch their death of cold yet with the heat up and their running noses and no fresh air circulating...it's like a HOT BED FOR GERMS. HELLO!?! I know it sounds like silly things...but to hear other people aknowledge that it's stupid makes you feel better about putting up with such innane things everyday.
I think that's all for now...I'm pretty much caught up. All I've been doing is eating (seriously), hanging out with Laura during the day, playing mother to the kids, and reading when I get the chance which is...almost never. Heather left today, Laura leaves tomorrow, and I think Caresse Saturday... so they're dropping like flies and I'll be left alone! Which is ok...knowing I'll be able to meet up with them in a couple of weeks is comforting and I'll need that much time to get my wits back about me when we get back so it's ok.
Love to you! We gained an hour so keep your skypes on :)
"You don't want to be part of it, darling." Laura said.
"No, I don't at all...that's why I don't know if I should even stay here. It doesn't seem worth it. I like kids...but I not enough to be their second mother!"
Then we talked about how she could count on one hand how many times she'd seen "her" parents go up into their rooms and tell them goodnight and she's been there six months.
"That makes me sick. I didn't sign up for this."
Which brought up the question of how much I'm being paid. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen...I am being completely screwed. After talking to Laura and Caresse, I found out the standard pay, the standard days off, so on and so forth and I'm not getting any of it. What aggravates me about this is that A knew when she hired me and discusses salary that I had no way of knowing what was acceptable. I told her that and she had to know the site I used was outdated/incorrect as she's had three other nannies, one of which I know now for a fact got twice as much as I did and she only worked three days a week! Unacceptable. I'm getting through this holiday, doing some more research (Laura and Caresse gave me some awesome sites to back myself up with), getting settled back in Istanbul then we're having a sit down.
Anyway, I asked Laura if she ever got less scared of interacting with her mom, she said no. That made me feel better to know it isn't just me who can't get past it. Laura said, "No, you'll gain more confidence but it never quite goes away...just keep your head down, darling." I don't mean to sound conceited but I don't feel like I was made to be the kind of person to "keep their head down" so I'm still praying about what God's intentions are here.
Anyway, then Laura and I met Caresse and we walked to the ski lift to catch it and meet the kids for lunch. Caresse kept saying, "I don't mean to make you feel badly but I'm very upset about your salary. Yes you're younger than is usual, yes you're inexperienced but my first job I got twice what you're being paid and I didn't even live-in. You need to talk to A. Of the moms, she seems to be one of the more reasonable, she might surprise you."
"If she's funny about it, I can get you another job...and you can tell her that."
Caresse also gave me sites to look at that talk about public transportation and churches and what not. "We'll help you, don't worry."
Laura said, "She's religious as well so hands down A has to give her Sunday off so she can go to church, she can't say no. I can help you find an English speaking church also."
I felt HOPE flooding all over my body and it was a beautiful feeling.
Caresse has lived in Turkey for years and is married to a Turkish man so she knows her way around. Laura is ballsy so she helps me feel brave. With their support, I knew I could handle this with A. I'm not worried guys, so please don't any of you be either. She NEEDS a nanny, I don't NEED to be one. Walking away wouldn't cause a problem for me like it would for her.
Laura rents from Heather (the Canadian) on the weekends and Laura said, "come and stay with us whenever you want to get away."
"I don't want to be an inconvenience."
"You wouldn't be an inconvenience...you'd just be another part of the nanny family. We have to take care of each other."
:)
God is good, huh?
Talking with them these last couple days has been so good for my heart. We've exchanged numbers and emails and Laura said when we all get back she can show me the affordable places to go shopping, we can work out together (PRAISE GOD) at her family's gym, etc. Holy cow, I can't wait to start actually LIVING a real life here. I'm sad though because Caresse is taking her first holiday in years when they get back and won't be back until the 23rd and Laura is going home for three days because her grandmother died. So I need to wait until Laura gets back at least so I will have somewhere to run in the event the talk goes south fast.
It's so strange though...I can tell the more time I spend with them that A seems to actually like me. She laughs at a lot of things I say and has broken the physical barrier...she walks up to me and rubs my arm asking how I am. The other day she called me over and said, "Caitlin, I haven't asked how you are. How are you doing here? Is everything ok?"
Yesterday was her birthday and I asked if they were doing anything as a family.
"We're having cake at 4...but you're family too, Caitlin. Please join us."
I told Laura and she was blown away...but granted, she has the absolute meanest mother. She acts more like royalty than the king and queen of Jordan! (Who I said good morning to by the way and they wished me the same!) She made sure D had given me money to pay for passes and stuff to meet the kids and he had, "Well if you're out or something, buy youself a coffee with it. Enjoy yourself. And let me know when you want some of your salary if you want to buy anything." So how can she seem to enjoy me so much yet feel so completely fine with taking advantage of me? I'm not used to people without consciences. It's kind of unsettling, really.
Anyway, since I know half of you will ask...here is a list of terms of will be discussing with A that I know she knows are completely reasonable:
1. I need to be getting paid over double what I am now.
2. On holidays like this that are over a week I need a day off a week and AT LEAST a 25% raise
3. I need all of Sundays off and Monday morning (giving me a Thursday off is like giving me a half day! The kids are in school!)
4. She should be paying for my phone...I only use it to talk to her.
And that's it for now. I'll keep you posted if anything else comes up.
Anyway, I've actually enjoyed this vacation because living with the kids...clothing, feeding, putting them to bed, waking them up, giving them medicine, etc. it enables me to establish some kind of authority and consistency.I can already see a huge improvement in E listening to me. They only problem is...this is only occuring because there's so little interference from their parents so once we go back home it's going to be that much harder...you throw in three extra caregivers (Cavit, Sirin, Vala...sometimes Yilmus) and I'm screwed. But still, I'm looking at it as a positive opportunity to lay a foundation I can build on when we get home.
What else...I went sleddingwith Caresse and some of the little kids. It was like no sledding I had ever encountered! It was just a try with a little stick jutting up between your legs to hold on to. You steered and slowed down with your heels! It was this huge hill with sharp turns and narrow roads and all that separated you and the edge of the cliff was orange tape. I don't know about you...but if I go flying through snow on a plastic TRAY, some orange tape isn't going to stop me. But it was a fun experience and I'm glad I did it.
What else...I'm eating my weight in food. Laura and I promised each other we would work out when we got back to Istanbul and in a routine. She told me one day over dinner, "Just get fat...it's our only comfort." I think I already said that but I just think it was really funny. Because it's true...even now we don't have any time to ourselves to indulge in relaxing...all we have is meals. For example, E was up the other night ALL NIGHT (so I was too of course) crying and yelling in his sleep! To the point, I thought there was something wrong and I woke him up several times only to annoy him as he apparently thought he was sleeping soundly. Yet the next day, he was exhausted so instead of skiing...he spent all day with me. Then he got a cold of course...and I was instructed to get up every couple of hours to check his fever for the past TWO NIGHTS. Even my sleep isn't mine anymore.
That's another thing that made me feel better...talking to the nannies about how weird these people are about their kids getting sick. And they get sick ALL THE TIME because they live in a bubble. To walk from the car to the door they have to put on full winter wear...they can't walk around the house witout socks on (if their feet are even a LITTLE cold, they must have a fever)...if they get hot running around they have to change immediately because sitting in their own sweat will give them a fever. Laura put it perfectly I think when she said, "for educated people, I just don't understand how they can be so stupid." And it's so true. We can't even open windows because they'll catch their death of cold yet with the heat up and their running noses and no fresh air circulating...it's like a HOT BED FOR GERMS. HELLO!?! I know it sounds like silly things...but to hear other people aknowledge that it's stupid makes you feel better about putting up with such innane things everyday.
I think that's all for now...I'm pretty much caught up. All I've been doing is eating (seriously), hanging out with Laura during the day, playing mother to the kids, and reading when I get the chance which is...almost never. Heather left today, Laura leaves tomorrow, and I think Caresse Saturday... so they're dropping like flies and I'll be left alone! Which is ok...knowing I'll be able to meet up with them in a couple of weeks is comforting and I'll need that much time to get my wits back about me when we get back so it's ok.
Love to you! We gained an hour so keep your skypes on :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Lifestyles of the Rich and the Turkish
So let's see what I can remember of arriving. I remember the drive here was tedious. The kids were irritating each other the whole time...I kept being asked to fix it despite the fact both parents were in the car. I was a human trashcan, snack supplier, etc. D asked me, "Did you check to make sure all of our luggage was here?" and for some reason it really pissed me off. I get that I'm responsible for all the kids' stuff...fine. But keep up with your own mess, I'm not your personal assistant.
"No I did not, you were standing there when they loaded everything, were you not?"
"Yes..."
"Then you would know better." Duh.
Anyway, we got here and checked in, blah blah and met some of their friends. The men are always pretty polite but this one women actually walked into me, backing me into the wall, and never even saw me. It blows my mind everytime. We were told where Alaura's (Df's friend) room was so we went there until our's was ready. That's where I met Laura, Alaura's nanny. She's 26 and from England and a little...I don't know if intimidating is the right word. She was very nice to me right away but it is clear she thinks of herself as the older, wiser, worldy one and I'm just a new piece of meat. But that isn't exactly false so I can't really be too upset I suppose. She offered to let me check my facebook then asked me if I knew anyone in Istanbul, "besides me now". I told her no and how I had come to be here and she told me a little about herself..she's traveled all over. I asked her where her favorite places was and she said, "It depends...for partying: Thailand, for experience: India..." and so on and so forth. She's job-hopped like no other and really knows her stuff. She talks in a lazy, soft English accent, calling people "darling" and sprawls herself all over the bed when she lays down. She pulls up her shirt to play with her bellybutton piercing and twirls her hair as if we're close friends who always chat on beds.
It was so nice to talk to someone about the same things I experience every day and them know exactly where I'm coming from. Eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and cursing in the right places. Very appreciated. (I mean maybe not the cursing...but you know what I mean.) So we talked for a little bit and I can't remember what about now but then D came and got us to see our room and Laura offered to take the kids to the pool so I could unpack all of their stuff. Thank goodness!
So I did that...and experienced a little bit of panic when I found only about three ski sweaters for Df compared to E's nine. A would kill me when I told her and I spent a whole day figuring out how to fix this when Laura called me and said Alaura had some old stuff that wouldn't fit and did I want it for Df. Praise Jesus. So then she brought them by and helped me hook up my internet, "You have to have internet in this job...I already added you on facebook." So true.
So then we played some Uno with E until we all went down together for dinner which was quite the experience. "There's only three things on the menu" I asked.
"It's more of an idea, "Laura said. "They fix anything you ask for. Try the steak, it's fantastic."
Didn't have to tell me twice, I miss red meat. And it really was FANTASTIC.
"Just go ahead and get fat...it's our only comfort." Also so true. I plan on it for this trip too...the bread and chocolate is too good to pass up. It was so crazy, there are like seven families here all together so obviously seven nannies to go with them. Laura told me which mother was nicest...unfortunately not her's. She was the one that bumped into me like I wasn't there. And it's true...she looks like an ice princess. The one she thought was nicest I agree with...she's the only mother who noticed I was a new face and actually said hello. I said I thought she was naturally pretty and Laura laughed, "it's not natural."
"Oh, really?"
"I'll tell you all the gossip when we're alone."
Keress came late because her kids are the toughest...children to the second richest family in Turkey (152nd in the world) and both suffering from ADD. She's American and also 26. I didn't get to talk to her a lot then though because she came so late. Heather is 32 but doesn't look it. She's from Canada (when I asked her what brought her here all I got was, "Boredom) and is the lucky nanny to the nice girls. She buys her alcohol on the job and gives her money to go buy new clothes. But yet...she doesn't pay for her phone like Laura's does so everyone has their own perks. Heather isn't a live-in though and Laura rents a place from her on the weekends so they're really close. Laura said at first she didn't like her because she's very intimidating. I can see it...she intimidated me for sure. They were talking about Twilight and I said I just didn't want to get into it due to the cult, vampire following. She was on my case immediately, "Yeah, well Harry Potter was about wizards and witches and it was good" and it was said in a tone indicating that I must be an idiot. Well that was fast...
It was odd to watch all of the parents interact, dressed to the nines and sitting about...even though they are going out to dinner?
So then we went to the cinema room, which Alaura had rented and watched Ice Princess before putting the kids to bed. The next morning was a little crazy, trying to learn the ropes of a skiing trip. I got the kids up, dressed, down to breakfast which was being eaten with A and D, always makes me a little uncomfortable...like I'm being surveyed to see how I'm keeping up with everything. Breakfast was good...of course...then I got them set for skiing, met E's skiing instructor (all of the kids have their own you know) and was told to meet them at 12:30 for lunch. "How would I go about that...?" to which A gave me some kind of 'figure it out' response but Karess walked by and said, "I'll meet you at 12:15 at reception and we'll go together." She told me her room number and told me me to come by if I got bored before then. Wasn't that sweet?
So I headed back to my room, took a nice long shower (with the nozzle ABOVE my head! Yay!) and took my time getting dressed and clean looking. Then Laura stopped by to visit. It was a very helpful talk...which I will say more about at a later time...I have to take the kids to dinner.
PS A called me to say, "Guess who's staying here?"
"No idea."
"The king and queen of Jordan"
"What?! You should get in their good graces, huh?"
"I know! I actually know their nephew but it's still very exciting."
So at dinner we saw them come in. I never would have known it was them if Laura hadn't pointed them out to me because she had been to Jordon. She said their pictures were everywhere...she is especially popular because the people love her-She does a lot of charity work and what not. Anyway, she's very young looking and beautiful and their nanny is here with their children. They look just like regular people but they really stepped up security...they brought their own cameras and everything. I guess their choice to stay here really supports that fact that this is one of the top hotels in Europe...go figure.
"No I did not, you were standing there when they loaded everything, were you not?"
"Yes..."
"Then you would know better." Duh.
Anyway, we got here and checked in, blah blah and met some of their friends. The men are always pretty polite but this one women actually walked into me, backing me into the wall, and never even saw me. It blows my mind everytime. We were told where Alaura's (Df's friend) room was so we went there until our's was ready. That's where I met Laura, Alaura's nanny. She's 26 and from England and a little...I don't know if intimidating is the right word. She was very nice to me right away but it is clear she thinks of herself as the older, wiser, worldy one and I'm just a new piece of meat. But that isn't exactly false so I can't really be too upset I suppose. She offered to let me check my facebook then asked me if I knew anyone in Istanbul, "besides me now". I told her no and how I had come to be here and she told me a little about herself..she's traveled all over. I asked her where her favorite places was and she said, "It depends...for partying: Thailand, for experience: India..." and so on and so forth. She's job-hopped like no other and really knows her stuff. She talks in a lazy, soft English accent, calling people "darling" and sprawls herself all over the bed when she lays down. She pulls up her shirt to play with her bellybutton piercing and twirls her hair as if we're close friends who always chat on beds.
It was so nice to talk to someone about the same things I experience every day and them know exactly where I'm coming from. Eye-rolling, heavy sighs, and cursing in the right places. Very appreciated. (I mean maybe not the cursing...but you know what I mean.) So we talked for a little bit and I can't remember what about now but then D came and got us to see our room and Laura offered to take the kids to the pool so I could unpack all of their stuff. Thank goodness!
So I did that...and experienced a little bit of panic when I found only about three ski sweaters for Df compared to E's nine. A would kill me when I told her and I spent a whole day figuring out how to fix this when Laura called me and said Alaura had some old stuff that wouldn't fit and did I want it for Df. Praise Jesus. So then she brought them by and helped me hook up my internet, "You have to have internet in this job...I already added you on facebook." So true.
So then we played some Uno with E until we all went down together for dinner which was quite the experience. "There's only three things on the menu" I asked.
"It's more of an idea, "Laura said. "They fix anything you ask for. Try the steak, it's fantastic."
Didn't have to tell me twice, I miss red meat. And it really was FANTASTIC.
"Just go ahead and get fat...it's our only comfort." Also so true. I plan on it for this trip too...the bread and chocolate is too good to pass up. It was so crazy, there are like seven families here all together so obviously seven nannies to go with them. Laura told me which mother was nicest...unfortunately not her's. She was the one that bumped into me like I wasn't there. And it's true...she looks like an ice princess. The one she thought was nicest I agree with...she's the only mother who noticed I was a new face and actually said hello. I said I thought she was naturally pretty and Laura laughed, "it's not natural."
"Oh, really?"
"I'll tell you all the gossip when we're alone."
Keress came late because her kids are the toughest...children to the second richest family in Turkey (152nd in the world) and both suffering from ADD. She's American and also 26. I didn't get to talk to her a lot then though because she came so late. Heather is 32 but doesn't look it. She's from Canada (when I asked her what brought her here all I got was, "Boredom) and is the lucky nanny to the nice girls. She buys her alcohol on the job and gives her money to go buy new clothes. But yet...she doesn't pay for her phone like Laura's does so everyone has their own perks. Heather isn't a live-in though and Laura rents a place from her on the weekends so they're really close. Laura said at first she didn't like her because she's very intimidating. I can see it...she intimidated me for sure. They were talking about Twilight and I said I just didn't want to get into it due to the cult, vampire following. She was on my case immediately, "Yeah, well Harry Potter was about wizards and witches and it was good" and it was said in a tone indicating that I must be an idiot. Well that was fast...
It was odd to watch all of the parents interact, dressed to the nines and sitting about...even though they are going out to dinner?
So then we went to the cinema room, which Alaura had rented and watched Ice Princess before putting the kids to bed. The next morning was a little crazy, trying to learn the ropes of a skiing trip. I got the kids up, dressed, down to breakfast which was being eaten with A and D, always makes me a little uncomfortable...like I'm being surveyed to see how I'm keeping up with everything. Breakfast was good...of course...then I got them set for skiing, met E's skiing instructor (all of the kids have their own you know) and was told to meet them at 12:30 for lunch. "How would I go about that...?" to which A gave me some kind of 'figure it out' response but Karess walked by and said, "I'll meet you at 12:15 at reception and we'll go together." She told me her room number and told me me to come by if I got bored before then. Wasn't that sweet?
So I headed back to my room, took a nice long shower (with the nozzle ABOVE my head! Yay!) and took my time getting dressed and clean looking. Then Laura stopped by to visit. It was a very helpful talk...which I will say more about at a later time...I have to take the kids to dinner.
PS A called me to say, "Guess who's staying here?"
"No idea."
"The king and queen of Jordan"
"What?! You should get in their good graces, huh?"
"I know! I actually know their nephew but it's still very exciting."
So at dinner we saw them come in. I never would have known it was them if Laura hadn't pointed them out to me because she had been to Jordon. She said their pictures were everywhere...she is especially popular because the people love her-She does a lot of charity work and what not. Anyway, she's very young looking and beautiful and their nanny is here with their children. They look just like regular people but they really stepped up security...they brought their own cameras and everything. I guess their choice to stay here really supports that fact that this is one of the top hotels in Europe...go figure.
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