"Are you free? In your heart?" -Cavit

So it's been a while...
I'm getting complaints.
I'll just have to hit the highlights.

The other night I was going to bed with anxiety about two things:
1. I forgot to give Df her last four day dose of antiobiotics for larengitis. She was fine, but this is something I feel would really upset A.
2. My facewash bleached the face towel A gave me...and I'm pretty sure it's a NICE towel.

So I go to sleep actually thinking about how I am going to handle these things and I'm experiencing actual anxiety. This is how I handle the towel situation...I wait until I know A is in a good mood, I casually say something funny and leave the room as she's laughing only to walk back in (quickly so she's still laughing) holding the towel. In the most innocent voice I could muster, I say, "A, I'm afraid I've done something terrible."
"What's that?"
"I noticed this towel is all discolored and it wasn't when you gave it to me and it's only my face towel so it must be something in my wash. I think I've ruined your towel! [insert big eyes here] I'll buy you a new one! Or only use this one for the rest of the time I'm here!"
"Is it acne wash? They have chemicals."
"Yes, that must be it. I am so sorry."
Her face shows she's obviously not happy but she she says, "That's ok. Don't worry. Just keep it."
Easy enough.

The other issue is trickier. I have to strategize with this one. Df is too old for a lot of what I could do if it was E. So I wait two days and pray that A doesn't ask me about it. Every cough let out makes my hair stand up because I'm afraid it will remind her of the prior sickness and she'll ask. Finally, when I think I've waited long enough, I sneak into the medicine cabinet where I grab the medicine and scamper to Df''s bathroom. I poured the dosage into the both spoons then poured them down the drain. Then I cleaned everything and instead of throwing it away, I put it back exactly where I found it. Now when she happens upon it and asks about it, I can say, "Oh, there was just a little bit left and I didn't know if you wanted to save it." And enough time will have passed that Df won't remember at all she only took it three days instead of four. I know it sounds silly...but I was very proud of myself and I averted a very big crisis in all actuality.

Next: Df is a piece of work. It's like I make all this progress with E, then Df goes backwards. He's been so sweet...the other day when he wanted to go play futbol outside, I had just gotten out of the shower and I said, "We have to wait a second, if I go out like this I'll get sick." and he waited patiently and put on all of his coats and whatnot voluntarily which is always a battle. Then the next day we were going out again and he came into my room and felt my hair, "Is it wet, is it ok for us to go now?" How cute is that? We didn't have any major problems for TWO days in a ROW! But everyday with Df is a never ending battle. And it's worse because it's like moody pre-teen girl crap, which I just can't tolerate. Like I'll be speaking to her and she'll just stare straight ahead and ignore me even though she can hear me. I'll tell her to brush her teeth and she'll brush for two seconds and say done. "Even E does better than that!"
"Ok, I don't care."
"Now I have to watch you too!"
"I don't care."

Bath time is dreadful...she yells and screams and complains about how her hair gets in her eyes when I dry her hair and interferes with her Nintendo DS game. Well then dry your own hair! You're almost 10 years old! She has to put on lotion after..."No you do it."
"Do it yourself. You're a big girl."
"I don't like to get my hands all oily."
"Wash them after."
"I don't want to."
So I finally make her and she just throws her hands in the jar, splattering it all over myself and the floor. "Can you clean that up please?"
"I don't want to."
"I didn't ask if you wanted to."
Just little things like that...

Yesterday I was really excited because I was taking them for a movie! A had said a couple of days ago that most movies are in English so I was so pumped to sit in a theater and listen to English for two hours! We get there and lo and behold...it is NOT in English at all. I spent two hours watching an animated mouse run around in a hat with a needle for a sword and I don't even know why! The theater was really nice though...cushioned, couch-like chairs and some were even two seaters! I layed all of our coats next to me and took a nap...
Later, A asked how I liked it.
"Well, it was all in Turkish so..."
"Oh really? Well, I'm sure you got the idea...it's a children's movie!"
"I might have dozed off a couple of times...there was a mouse."
"Hmph."

That night there was a knock down drag out fight between Df and E about the location of the 5 leera he had given her to hold for snacks. There was hair-pulling and everything. The whole nine yards. A was in the next room and also was no assistance. However, I think she was just trying to see how I would handle it which I don't fault her for because she's not around a lot. Amazingly, I did handle it and fairly quick. My own tiny accomplishment.

What else? Ah...last night was eventful. After the movie, we met up with A to take Df to a dentist appointment. E, Yilmaz, and I had to wait in the car which was super boring. She had slept the whole way there and when A got her out of the car she said, "Look how tired is! They've been up too late! I want them in bed at 8:30 tonight! This is ridiculous."
"I agree."
What's ridiculous is that she says it as if she's surprised, when she knows good and well she's the one that has let it happen both times!

Sidenote: Eren's last day was Monday night so they were up late the two nights prior spending time with him. I came up to her several times to say, "It's getting really late, are you sure I shouldn't put them down yet?"
"Mmmm...it's Eren's last night. Let's let them stay up."
"Okay..." They weren't in bed til 11 that night! Then it's "ridiculous"!? Hello?!?!
Sidenote 2: Monday night I wasn't feeling well, I just watched Gossip Girl (don't judge me) in my room for a couple of hours...at about 1 am I hobbled out of bed to go to the bathroom, in my NIGHTIE no less because I assumed no one would see me from the hall and back at 1 am. So I walk to E's room (he's sleeping with Df so I can use his bathroom) open the door and hear some man's voice whisper, "Who's there"
"Oh my God!" (I usually don't throw out the "god" but it slipped)I almost fell over myself throwing myself away from the door frame. "Who is this?" I asked.
Eren answered from E's bed, "It's me."
"What are you doing in here?"
"I'm sleeping here because I don't want to wake the kids up in the morning" (that doesn't make ANY sense) "What are you doing?"
"I have to go to the bathroom!"
"Well go ahead..but close the door. Obviously."
"Obviously."
So I walk in, excructiatingly (sp) slow because it's pitch black dark, and turn in the light (switches are OUTSIDE of the rooms here) and run in as quickly as possible so he won't see me in my nightie. I get a little stage fright because I know he can hear me going and people who know me well know I hate that. So I go, wash my hands, and try to gracefully sneak out again only to discover I can't. Since the door opens INTO the bathroom and I can't turn the light off until after I exit, I have to stand in full view before getting it off. How incredibly akward.
I flip the light as quickly as possible..."Ok well, when do you leave tomorrow."
"Early."
"Well, if I don't see you, have a safe trip."
"Good night."
"Yeah."
I was hoping it would be early as in before we were up but early to Eren is not my early since getting up with a five year old so I did in fact still see him...this time with clothes on. I was walking out as he was saying by to the kids and my eyes weren't even all the way open. He walked up to, in retrospect I would guess give me a kiss on the cheek as is tradition, but I thought he was trying to hug me so I put up my arms as he went for my face and instead just ended up pushing him at both shoulders. "Safe travels."
"Good morning"
...?
Honestly, I'm quite glad he's gone because now I get his bathroom!

So anyway...what was I saying? Ah yes, the eventful night. So since she wanted them in bed early, I needed to bathe them before dinner because we eat at 7 so there's not much time after.
I bathed E first, after chasing him from upstairs where his mother was after she asked me to go find the next season of Gossip Girl then to hand her tissue paper on the toilet as they were out and she had been sitting there, waiting for me to return. E is usually pretty fast and easy because he has less hair so washing and drying isn't too bad. I finished at 6:45 so I thought I'd have to wait to do Df after. However, seven o'clock came and went but dinner never did. I kept thinking...If I start now I just know dinner will be ready and I'll get fussed at for not having her at the table. So an hour came and went and I was just getting up to go ask A when I heard her screaming for Sirin. She never answered and I noticed she wasn't answering the phone either so I went to run down to the kitchen to tell her before she caught the wrath. I found her there and told her, as best I could, that A was trying to call her from upstairs and she needed to asnwer. Sirin told me there was something wrong with the phone and was surprisingly "Oh well, she'll just have to come get me about it" It's your funeral. The phone rings and I point at it like "answer it! I told you!" and when she does and says hello I go to walk out the room and she grabs me and thrusts it against my ear, nothing. Ok, you made your point, but calm down, you're talking to the wrong person.

So I go upstairs only to hear A coming closer yelling Sirin's name and clearly pissed. I have to be honest though, I tried to warn her and she didn't listen so she kind of derserved it. However, I will say it was unforunate that we didn't get up the stairs quick enough because it's very scary when A is at the top and you're trapped on them. They're white marble with white bars around them and it's kind of like prison when she's at the top...no where to run. So first she yelled at Sirin then she turned to me, "It's been an hour! Why isn't she bathed?!"
"I finished E at 6:45 and we're supposed to eat at 7 so I didn't want to start but now I think we're waiting for D and I was coming to ask you but then you yelled for Sirin and..." blah blah blah and she said, "But I was here. Ask me. If I'm here, ask me. I understand we usually eat at 7, you're right. But tonight, we clearly are not, so ask me."
She was completely right. I did nothing proactive. If she wasn't here, it would have been one thing but she was, all I had to do was ask her...without letting a whole hour pass by. She wasn't being unreasonable. But then she said, "Besides, so it's 6:45? You would have been done in time!"
"Really? Bathing, drying, and changing her only takes 15 minutes?"
"Then twenty! You're five minutes late, that's fine."
Then I suddenly wondered when the last time was A had bathed one of her children.

Anyway, she told me D was home and that we would sit down to dinner right away...yet she was still the one we ended up all waiting on. So as the food is being served she says to me, "I burnt my tongue earlier today on my tea."
"I'm sorry to hear that...I hate it when that happens..."
"It hurts. I can't eat any this."
So out of nowhere...I'm not even sure how it transpired...but Sirin was being yelled at first from the dining roon then A straight up got up and walked down the stairs. The only other time I've ever seen her use the back stair case is the time Sirin passed out...it's hidden so the help isn't seen OR heard. Classy, huh? I looked around for some kind of hint, slim pickin's. Cavit had the look on his face that said Sirin was getting in trouble for something outside of her control, neither of the kids were speaking, and D had his head in his hands as if he had a headache. When A returned to the table no one make a SOUND for at least 2 or 3 minutes. I felt incredibly uncomfortable because at least everyone else knew the context, I had no idea. Finally, E said "Enye (mom)" followed by something cute.
"I'm not mad at you" she said in English. "I'm not mad at anyone at this table."

Sidenote 3: Earlier that day, when I was clearly frustrated about the bath situation and I was sitting while the kids ignored Korkut with TV, Cavit noncholantly walked into the room with a dopey little grin on his face. I raised my eyes in a questin mark. Then he walked up to me, and from behind his back, produced an envelope addressed to me! I was in shock. I just looked at it and it finally registered that my name was on it! I gasped and lept out of my chair right into him...squeezing the life out of him. It was probably really inappropriate but I couldn't it. He laughed. Df, snapped out of her TV daze, "What happened?!"
"I got a letter from home!" I think my eyes actually got a little misty when I said it out loud.
I read it right then. "Is it happy news?" Korkut asked.
"Yes, it's very happy."
"Then I am happy."
"Me too. Thank you for asking, Korkut."

So back to the dinner table...after E broke the ice, everyone started speaking again and Cavit started speaking very annimated-like as he served the rice. I couldn't figure out what all his smiles were about until A looked at me, "You got a letter today, I hear." That Cavit...so precious.

Sidenote 4: He did the same kind of thing tonight. Last night, I watched the Galatasaray futbol match with him in the kitchen while they watched in the cinema room and Gala's colors are red and yellow like Flagler's. I told him they were my school color's at home and apparently he understood because while D and he talked about futbol tonight at dinner (Wednesdays are the night A is out because of her class), Cavit got all animated again and Df, listening, turned to me and said, "Your team at home is red and yellow?" I find it very endearing that he so loves to share what he learns about me or what excites me with them (as if they care) just because he's so happy about it. God has really used him to show me love and kindness here and I'm very grateful.

"Yes, I did!"
"From who?" She smiled and was pleased for me!
"A friend from school"
"That's great!"
"It is great!"
So then she told me to go bath Df which I did then after everyone was put to bed an hour later I came out and said "sooo since, Eren is gone, that bathroom is mine?"
"That bathroom is your's." She didn't look away from the TV but she did smile.
"Yay! So I could go shower right now?!"
"Of course!"
"Ahhh!" (Before it was very difficult because using the kid's bathrooms, my time to do things were very limited. I brushed my teeth with E when he did, but other than that, most nights I couldn't wash my face or anything because I had no time and after they're in bed I can't because I'll wake them up. I can't shower in the mornings because I'd have to get up before them...and would again, be waking them up. Also, my toiletries are yet to leave a plastic baggie..which makes me feel like I'm at camp...not living here)
Before I walked out I told her I was sorry for the bath thing. "You were right, it doesn't make any sense for me to just not check with you when you're right upstairs. I apologize."
"It's ok, don't worry." Perfectly nice about it.

Really, I'm glad it happened...because it was the first time I got fussed at and realized I wasn't scared of her. I mean, obviously I didn't enjoy it, but when it was still new to me I felt this desire to over-please and over-do right away to make it better but this time I just took it with a grain of salt and it didn't effect my mood at all. Progress!

Oh, my title is from the other night. I've been helping Yilmaz and Vala find family and friends on facebook (and Vala's Russian version of facebook...a fun challenge) so I had taken the computer downstairs. The internet wouldn't work so Cavit asked to see picture instead. I showed them my family but a slideshow kept popping up of me with different people...my friend Keith, Chase, etc. And they made a huge deal about it and asked if I had a boyfriend but I pretended to not understand.

So then I pulled up my byki program (that I downloaded to go over the Turkish) and they were all kinds of excited! They helped me say the Turkish phrases and I taught them the English. Then, when we got to the segment on what to say to Taxi drivers, one of the questions was "Are you free?" After I taught Cavit how to say it he said, in a heavy Turkish accent, "Are you free? In your heart?" making a heart and putting it to his chest. It was hilarious. I nodded. "Yes Cavit, I am free in my heart." but everytime a picture came up of me with a boy they called me a liar. Iwish I could defend myself...I hope they don't think I'm a loosey goosey!

Sidenote: As cheesy as it is, his question actually made me think of the verse (which I can't locate now) about how we can carry the truth with us because it is written on our hearts. I keep trying to remind myself of this, that I feel lonely here often but am never alone...yet when he asked me that I wondered to myself, "How free am I?" If my relationship with the Lord was where it should be...I don't feel like I would feel this alone or helpless so much.

I need to break this up...
I think I'll post now.