The Search for Truth

So anyway...a couple days later I knew I needed to bring up the salary issue with A. I had been dreading it for days but finally I asked her to make time to talk about "my days off and things like that". She said when she got back that night we could. For some reason, I was suddenly not dreading it. I felt peace about it and I thought to myself, "God must have this under control! It's going to go smoothly!" Boy was I WRONG.

I don't feel like it would be in my best interest to rehash the whole thing as only now does it feel like we're getting past it but it wasn't so enjoyable...or at all smooth. It was partly my fault, I showed my inexperience by bringing it up inappropriately...as she wasted no time in pointing out. When she initiated the conversation Defne was in the room and I said, "are you sure it's ok" and she said "of course" but why would she know to say no? She just thought I was talking about my day off! I ambushed her completely. I felt so ridiculous but I was afraid if I mentioned it beforehand it would give her too much time to prepare.

Anyway, she agreed to go up 300 a month which was an improvement but still completely unreasonable. She said she didn't want to talk about this again after we had settled it and I said of course not. I can't remember a lot about it except that I was terrified and I even apologized afterwards for ambushing her. She kept saying, "You know the only reason this is even happening is because you talked to those other nannies and they're putting ideas in your head. But they are professionals and you are not and you can't compare yourself to them...." blah blah blah. She also tried to tell me that my salary included my plane ticket as well which really threw me for a loop.

so I talked to my friend Andrew that night because for some reason I felt like I had let everyone down. I had talked all big about how I would handle this situation and how I was prepared to be firm and then during the whole conversation I was apologizing for seeming disrespectful! I just felt so stupid! Everyone seemed to think that I'm some kind of ballbuster that was just going to make it happen and I practically cowered! Andrew made me feel better though by saying that people only expect me to be the kind of person to see something wrong and try to fix it...the outcome after doing so is anybody's guess. He said bringing it up was part of the battle. That made me feel better.

So a couple days later, Laura and I made plans to meet up so I got the kids up and took them down to the boat then walked left, Laura walked right, and we met after like ten minutes of walking! It was so easy despite the ambiguous plan. Then we walked together to her friend Patria's house. She's like 40 (and just had a baby!), from New Zealand, married to a man from New Zealand that she actually met here, has been working for the same family for the past six years, and is like the mother hen of nannies. She knows everything! It was so nice to sit in a kitchen as she fixed homemade tomato soup and we all chatted in English. It was such comfort.

Apparently, D hadn't told A where I was so she called me asking where I was. "So you took your day off today?"
"No, I didn't leave until after the kids left for school"
"Oh, well why don't you just take the rest of the day and tomorrow morning. Can you get home?"
"Yes, Laura is with me."
"Oh, you're with Laura."
She has an obvious bad taste in her mouth about me being with other nannies because they are filling my head with "grand ideas" and she doesn't like it. Oh well, I was just excited about the prospect of finally having a day off!
"Ok, have fun!"

Of course, my situation came up again and I just continued to feel worse about how screwed I am. I kept getting compared to a Philopino and she said she'd seen prison cells nicer than my room. She said she'd seen some pretty ridiculous nanny rooms but that mine took the cake. It was all very discouraging. I told them it was all very easy to feel empowered and gung ho about talking to A but when it's just the two of us face to face, it's terrifying and I love my wits. And her arugments are so hard to argue with when there's no compassion involved! They just kept congratulating me for being to talk to her at all.

Anyway, we ran some errands with the baby. I got some money exchanged, bought some more counters for my phone, and then Petria and I took a taxi over to some shopping malls for her to buy baby stuff and then we chatted in a Starbucks over drinks and a brownie. It was so blissfully normal. Then we came back to her flat and I met her husband who was lovely, his name was Brent and he calls everyone "love" and it's wonderful. Then the kids she watches came over for dinner and we had soup and mince meat pie and macaroni and cheese! Yuuum! Then we watched Weakest Link until Laura had put her kids to bed at 8:30 and Petria called me a cab.

Their house is HUGE and so whiiiiiite! So much marble and it's so clinical looking it's disgusting. We ate some cake left over by their Valentine's Day party then she showed me around the house. Words can't convey. She has such a nice room! Her bathroom connects to her room AND it's a standup shower! Her closet is huge too! Not fair. But that's life. Then we chose a movie and watched it together and she called me a cab and gave me money to get home. It was such a nice, relaxing break. The taxi ride was a little frustrating...I ended up having to call Cavit and give the phone to the taxi driver so he would know how to find the house.

When I got in A was still up. She told me she had talked to D about the new salary and he agreed..."I had to convince him, but I did it." I hope you're not waiting for a thankyou. When she brought up days off I told her that Mom might be visiting in April and could I take the six days I had missed (I had been working for six weeks before I got a day off) and use them when she came. She gave me a look like, "How did you know to ask that?" followed by "You can't keep acting like you're a professional when you're not. You make these demands because they've been put in your head but you aren't like those people." I don't want to rehash any of it again because I need to move past it but it was worse than the first one. I was firm this time (I actually got her to come up 200 more dollars a month!) but for it, I got accused of being ungrateful and being under the control of the other nannies. (That is also because I told her the plane ticket was standard and if she was going to include it in my salary, she should have said as much when we discussed it so I would know to ask for more as that is just money I will never see).

It was odd...like we were having two completely different conversations with each other, saying the same thing over and over and never convey each other's point. She kept saying, "Caitlin, I keep trying to tell you...but you aren't a professional. I don't think of you as just a nanny. If I did, I wouldn't ask how you are or try to make sure everything was ok with you, I wouldn't pay for your ticket when you were staying such a short time, and if your mother was coming, I would just give you those days off regardless of whether or not you had saved them up...I wouldn't do that for a regular employee. I think of you more as a family friend...you would never have come to do this if you weren't familiar with our family just like I wouldn't have hired you if I didn't know yours. I took a huge risk. I flew someone over here who has no experience or knowledge of the city and can't even stay the standard amount of time I'd like to hire someone for."

"I understand that...but just like it's a risk for you, it's a risk for me too! I took a semester off of school for this, I'm graduating behind my class, it's time away from my family and friends, it's a total pause to my life, I'm a stranger in a place where no one speaks my language, you say I can't stay long enough but it's too long for me! I have to move all of my things to another state when I get home to an apartment, my parents have to reorganize their whole schedule to be able to make this work...it's hard for everyone so I think I deserve to make sure that it is worth it for me as well. I am not saying I'm not grateful to be traveling with you and what not, but regardless I am still working the entire time to even if it's a great experience, I still deserve to be compensated for it. And you keep saying I'm an aupair...light responsiblity. Au pairs are just mother's help, I researched it and they only work 25 hours a week and usually don't even live in. We both know that's not what I am." So on and so fourth...

"It's ok for us to talk about it but not with this attitude these girls are giving you of entitlement. You are changing and I find it very disturbing..."etc.

Ugh...I'm going to stop talking about it! Bottom line: A lot of other things came up and when it was over I felt like I was going to throw up. A feeling that was still there when I woke up the next morning. Before I went to bed she said, "Caitlin, I just want you to know that I like you. The kids like you, it's a good fit, I like you."
"Thank you for telling me that. And thank you for my patience while we get this sorted out. Good night"

The next morning she was up and we spoke some more...and suddenly, I felt real peace. I told her that I had thought about it and I realized now what she meant about it not being a standard situation...she didnt have to let me go to church on Sundays (sometimes, if it works out) in addition to a day off. She didn't have to give me the days off regardless of whether I had earned them for a family visit...in fact, that's unheard of. And she didn't have to fly me over here when I was staying for such a short time (It seems long to us but it isn't at all). I was grateful and appreciative and I feel comfortable with the new salary discussed and a set day off and we won't need to talk about it again afterwards. I thanked her for patience and told her I'd probably ask questions again but would be sure to try to be more tactful of how I brought them up. (I was trying to be over firm to compensate for my lack of knowledge). She said thank you, we both agreed we felt good about this, and that was that. I think I also felt better because I mentioned the fact that she could rest assured I wasn't going anywhere because I know that God wants me here with this family.

After that, I made a list of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons....I'll post the list on here later. I spent a lot of time in prayer with God and discovered the root of my problem. I have a pretty strong moral compass but here I can't follow it because I have no way of knowing what's wrong and what's right. I got so caught up in advice from home, advice from nannies, advice from A...the last two of which I believe both have their own agendas AND my best interest at heart in their own ways which makes it tricky...I was letting them snuff God's voice out. I realize now if I don't use all the strength in my body to seek the Lord's truth and learn his discernment, I have no chance of making it out of here alive. I felt a lot more at ease though feeling like I had some direction finally and while I feel great now...I will officially be at ease when she tells me my set day off and says we are set at the new salary. Then it will all be over and I can officially go about my business of glorifying the Lord by being the best nanny I can be :)

So that's where we are now...I helped Sirin skype with some family today so that was fun. I have officially written everyone back who has written me but I can't find postage so I'm half way there. Tomorrow, I'm going down to the port again with the kids and after they catch their boat, I'm going to grab the ferry over to Bebek and Laura and I are going to go running together! Yay! I think normalcy may be setting in?

Ok, I think we are officially pretty much caught up. Yay.
Love to you.