"God in my laughing, there in my weeping..."

God in my hurting,
God in my healing.
Christ in me,
Christ in me,
Christ in me- the hope of glory.
You are everything"
-Tim Hughes "Everything"

Sorry it's been a while...
Weekends are so long and stressful since it's 24/7 and I'm not just juggling the kids but the parents as well. I went back to bed and slept for three hours Monday after the kids went to school!

On Sunday D said E and I should go with him to volleyball (Df's volleyball) then we could all go to the boat show...Oh that'll be fun I ignorantly thought to myself. But it ended up being six hours of putting on and taking off E's shoes so that he could tour boats...it was ridiculous. Then A and D thought it would be a good idea to order a pizza for the kids that didn't arrive until 9:30pm! In case you were wondering, we start the bed time process at 8:15...so it was quite the night.

Then I tried to talk to A about the church situation. I called the contact Petria had given me (Dawn) and she goes to an international church on Sundays at 3:30. She offered to pick me up and take me with her family and everything but the time would end up being like...3:00-5:30. No way. I told A anyway and I was right...right in the middle of the day just won't work. So she made me pull up all the protestant churches in Istanbul...in a city of over 15 million there are about 12 churches that wouldn't fall under Muslim, Armenian, or Catholic....and NONE of them are in our area. She kept reading "tea" and "prayer" and asked why I couldn't just go to those and didn't understand the differences between those things and actual services. So I called Dawn back and she offered to have me to dinner on my day off and invite over some young teachers in the area who were Christian so we could maybe get together on days off just to have some community. I though A would be happy since this plan didn't inconvenience her at all. But no no...

When I went to her D was there as well and told me he didn't think it was a good idea and went off about how it was reaching so far, it's a friend of a friend of a friend, expats usually have their own agenda no matter how nice they seem, Istanbul has its own rules- you can't just go off when you aren't familiar with the people or the area, if I don't come back he wouldn't know if it was because I was lost or kidnapped or sold, etc. "We don't even go the police if there's a problem because they can't be trusted...we're not Mexico, but we're close." (and in a prior conversation A had told me, "If you get arrested by a cop, you'll probably be raped by him as well. You don't F*** up here.") So honestly, though it was all extreme points, I completely understood where D was coming from. Plus, his family is the family that knows my family so he feels a sort of responsibility for me. It was A's attitude that I had a problem with.

"Why do they need to meet in houses if they can just go to church?"
"Well, some people can't. Look at me, I'm trying to go and I can't..."
"Well, what would they do there?"
"It varries...bible study or just talking...it's like a service at home."
"It sounds like a cult to me." Ouch.
"It's difficult to explain but I assure you it's normal. I do it at home all the time."
"Of course," D interjected. "And if you were at home, I would have no problem. It's because we are here that I have a problem."
A asks, "Why do you need to meet other Christians anyway?"
"It would just be nice to be part of a community of like-minded people."
"Well if they're so great and people are giving you their name, why aren't Petria or Laura going with you?"
"They aren't my babysitters...and they aren't religious. This isn't about them."

Then here it came...my favorite part.
A: "Caitlin, why do you keep reaching and reaching? Trying to make all these friends? It's like you're trying to build a life here! You came here for two things: to be a nanny and experience a new culture. You don't need all these other things-after June you'll be gone every weekend anyway...you'll be alone a couple months, so what? You have a couple friends...that is enough. Enough is enough."
I just stared at her. I didn't even know how to respond. "You'll be alone. So what" ???
"You really think it's normal to just go to people you don't know?" she asks.
"It's hard to explain but yes, in American Christian culture it is normal to reach out to people you don't know. I mean, did you know your friends before they were your friends?"
"No...but there were friends who introduced them to me first. I would never just go alone. I won't tell you you can't go, but I think to do it would be very naive."
I decided I wanted to be done talking to her so I looked at D.
"I really appreciate your concern and I understand completely. I am not intentionally trying to make you uncomfortable, I'm just doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. If you have something that would make you feel better...tell me."
"You want a church, I find you a church. You go, you say hello to some people, you come back, but no going off with people."
"You find it, I'll go."
But A had to add, "Caitlin, it's worse with these Christians. They can do anything to you then just ask your Father for forgiveness...Christianity is like a whole different world."
Those words did not just leave your mouth.
"Christianity is a different world?" I asked. "It's MY world. THIS (I pointed around us) is a different world."
I was stunned by her lack of empathy. You'll actually find that in Turkish culture (only worsened among the wealthy) an actual INABILITY to understand another person's position.
You think coming to a foreign country where NO ONE is my age, my ethnicity, my religion, or the same language speaker ISN'T a different world? How thick are you?
I was livid. I was mad at A and I was mad at God. It was like he had dangled this ray of hope infront of me then just snatched it away. I couldn't speak anymore so I just said, "Thank you D for looking." and walked out of the room.

I went into my room and pulled up facebook, trying to distract myself. I had some messages from friends at home talking about struggling with a sudden lack of community on campus and then the tears came. Here I was, clawing at the walls to find one Christian, and on campus, this whole group of Christians, can't find away to interact with one another that is conducive to their lifestyles. More and more tears. Let me be clear when I say, I wasn't angry at them and I wasn't judging or thinking "How can you complain when I'm going through this" as much as all of it once hit me so hard with the realization of Oh God, what a fallen world we live in. It's then that I realized how big what I am living is...how big what God is doing in my heart is going to bed. I had a friend once who was sharing about something she was struggling with and how she couldn't share it because "it was too big" and the ache in her voice spoke the words as if the very confession of it was too heavy in her mouth. That is exactly how I felt...God, this is too big. I am too small.

To make matters worse, I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and A is calling me again. Then I just got even more angry that I don't even have the freedom is this stinkin' closet of shutting a real door to signify closure. If I don't come out right away she comes to the door, peering through the crack "didn't you hear me?" No privacy. No peace. It's never safe to let my emotions lose. I wipe my face as quickly as I can. I don't even remember what she said...something to reiterate her previous points. "Ok, thank you." I say. "I'm going to get ready for bed." Done. Finished. Don't speak to me anymore.
"Be careful." Getting ready for bed?

I got upstairs and was shaking. I got ready for bed as quickly as I could then came down stairs and sent a message to some friends asking for prayer. I facebooked Dawn, thanking her very much for her help but I couldn't make it and didn't know what else to say. "This is ridiculous. They can't hold you prisoner. Tell them I will meet them, whatever they want." No good. I got on skype but Mom and Dad were gone, Mark and Susan weren't answering, friends were in school, etc. Luckily poor Aunt Linda was on and probably had no idea what I was talking about but she was very kind to chat with me for a bit until I finally tried to sleep. As I prayed that night, I cried out to the Lord confessing it was taking everything in me not to throw a ridiculous tantrum and say I'd never speak to him again. I like to be honest at least....it's not like he doesn't know I'm thinking it anyway.

I woke up that morning feeling utterly sick to my stomach. Monday (is supposed to be my days off now...FYI but this week is Tuesdays) and got the kids off to school then slept and slept like I mentioned earlier. I woke up to some really encouraging messages from friends at home, Chase particurlarly spoke some truth into my head that I really needed to hear:

"For some reason, God knows why, you're in turkey. You're there. You make it what it is. God is still God and we both know who God is. He's sovereign. He's compassionate. He's righteous. He's jealous over you. This situation with Asli has been ordained by God or has been allowed to happen by God (remember Job?). So this hasn't taken him by surprise. He's not wondering how youre gonna have community in turkey. He already knows. Even if you go till August without having a Turkish community if believers, your brothers and sisters over here are crying out to the father on your behalf. Community lines aren't confined to continental lines. You're not as accesible as I would like you to be, but rest in the fact that God conforms ALL things to the purpose of HIS will (ephesians 1:11). "

The bold part is what struck me. It had taken me by surprise, that was for sure, but who am I to think it threw God for a loop. He had planned this day for me before I was born...just like all the other days of my life...and if on this day he wanted me to feel the pain of persecution for a religion the world doesn't understand...it was significant.

Then I talked to my Dad and he really solidified a lot of what was surfacing as I reach Chase's message. He pointed out to me that in America, Christianity is so prevelant it's nearly part of our culture so for those who don't partake, there's polite deference. "No thanks, that's not for me but you do your thing, I get it." That attitude doesn't exist in other parts of the world. And here I am complaining when in reality, I could still make it happen. I might have to fight or lie or sneak, but I could meet these people and go to church. In other countries, people are shot on the spot for pulling that kind of crap. Dad also mentioned how it was possible, if God was closing so many doors, maybe he really wants me to learn how to depend SOULY on him by learning to rely on my own discipline and my own study and prayer to grow with him. That right now, this is hard and two months seems like a quite a long time to not hear an answer from the Lord, but there's people in the bible who had to wait in faith on the Lord for not days or weeks or months but years! Moses waited FORTY!!! And what, seven months at the most for me? Please, that's nothing. Time is fleeting, life on earth is a blink of God's eyes, and all things are done in his time, not our's. That's the thing with the religion of men, it's like we expect to pray and have an answer within days... as if it's an internet dating service. God doesn't comply to our needs, he fufills them in the way that is best for us. Not the easiest. Who am I to make demands while God is molding and shaping me? Who am I?

So anyway, I felt a lot better after that and went through the rest of my day avoiding interaction as much as possible. I stayed up 'til 2:30 am that night/morning (since I could sleep in the next day) and did a call with Chase, Ryan, and Debrah all at the same time. It was so wonderful and encouraging to recieve so much love from halfway across the world. I really am just so blessed.

Then I got up at ten, Cavit drove me to Laura's, we made tea and chatted then walked around her area and looked into some shops. I told Laura the story and she was furious. Laura isn't a Christian but she's a very open-minded, risk-taking free thinker. "How dare she say that to you? How close-minded! Go! Go to dinner and tell her you're with me. I'm always willing to lie for you."
"I don't want to handle it with lies if I can help it."
"Well then let's meet her together."
"Really, you'd do that?"
"Of course....'Two friends is enough?' Please, you don't want to see my old face everyday." Said in her beautiful, English accent...I love working with foreigners.
So I called Dawn and she met us by my port (the Kandilli port) for tea. She was so nice and polite as Laura (who will tell you anything about her life the moment she meets you and decorate her stories with plenty of profanity) poured out her life's story of the past two years and her completely disdainful feelings toward her boss. Dawn listened and interacted and apologized for how tough it was. Then Laura had to go run errands and after she left I said, "so that's Laura" and she smiled and said, "So yes, you could use some Christian friends."

We talked and talked. It was so nice to hear someone else feel the same way. "I've been here almost nine years the blanket of darkness hanging over this place never gets less oppressive." That's exactly it! Whenever I pray, all I can picture is myself stumbling around in the dark with my arms blindly outstretched. When I finially find a lamp, I barely get my footing before it blows out again...the light never seems to last. We decided to have dinner next Monday at her house and she will pick me up from wherever I am that day. She drove me to Kavacik then to Petria's where Laura was and was asked to tell the whole story again. Petria nearly busted a gut laughing, "A cult is it? Two friends is enough are they? I'd like to see someone tell her how many people she can have in her life." Then she said the same thing as Laura, "Tell her you're with me. I'll always cover for you."
"Oh, I said lie." Laura laughed.
"When you're more experienced you call it 'covering'." She smiled. But then in all seriousness she said, "Shelly is one of my best friends here. I've known her for six years and her husband runs all of the Christian televesion networks here. They are very well known in the Christian community and she knows Dawn very well. I would never have given you a contact I couldn't vouch for or knew was safe." I believe her.

I spent the evening there, visiting, watching American TV and reading until Brett came home and made dinner (typical New Zealand meal...sausages, potatoes, carrots, and cabbage) and then I called a taxi's to Laura's where we visited and watched a movie. Laura called me a taxi and it was much easier than last time. I showed him the address and he took me halfway before passing me to someone who knew where it was so the meter started over and it was 5 leera cheeper! AND once in the neighborhood, I successfully directed him IN TURKISH! I was back by 11:30, Cavit let me in, A was thankfully busy watching a movie with her mom so she didn't pay much attention to me. She absently asked how my day was and "oh, you didn't meet with those people? Why not?" As if you don't know. So I decided this would be a time to suck up.
"Well, I wanted to respect your wishes so I told her I would meet her at a cafe with Laura sometime, get to know her better, then go to her house." I mean, granted I already did it but that's beside the point...
"Yes, get to know her better. That is good." Done.
Went to bed feeling rejuvenated. When I prayed that night, the words to that song I posted earlier came out of nowhere:
"I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve criedYou hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm."
It's like God was saying, "Caitlin, I just want you to trust me and praise me in the midst of pain and trials. Don't just love me when it's easy and safe. Love me when it's hard and dangerous. I am with you and loving you in all things. I am with you and loving you when you sleep, when you wake, when you work, when you laugh, when you cry, and when you are totalled spoiled brat. Be with me and love me too through all those things." I want to, I really want to. If this is what it takes for me to learn, I will do it willingly.

Igot the kids up and ready for school and went with them to the port. I told Cavit I was walking to Laura's from there but he said, "no, it's too far, let me drive you." But I can't kept making Df tell him "No I want the exercise" but after waiting for the boat with the kids I realize how cold it was today. He saw me shivering and smiled, "Want me to take you now?"
"Yes please." (Evet lutfen)
So we rode with the kids to the other side (when I say other side, it means we live on the Asian side and everything else is on the European side and you cross it by boat or by bridge...across the Bosphorus). The kids and I had a fun time cutting up about how I didn't know Turkish but I was going to come from my lesson today fluent. We dropped them off at the bus then Cavit and I rode back, then he drove me to Laura's. Laura fixed us some toast and porrage then we headed off with her driver to Kenyon for our first Turkish lesson! It was super fun! We learned the alphabet and pronunciation and I got frustrated a lot because it is so incredibly different from us. There's several sounds that don't even exist in English. But I miss being a student...I miss learning. I mean, I'm obviously learning a lot but you know what I mean. So we spent an hour in Gloria Jean's (cafe) with Ani (teacher) then we walked her down to the Metro so I'd know where it was for the future then into one of Laura's favorite stores and it was so nice to browse and talk about clothes and going out and normal things. Granted, I can't afford to be buying things I don't NEED til next paycheck but it was still fun.

Then we headed back, the driver dropped me off, I intentionally went in the "service" door to try and avoid A as I knew she was leaving soon and I didn't want to ruin my good mood. She called me up though to tell me to take care of some clothes or something but that was it. Then I came back downstairs and met the new Vala...I wish I could tell you her name but I can't even say it yet. Poor girl looks young and sweet and doe-eyed. I know how she feels...I hope A doesn't eat her for breakfast. Then I showed them my worksheets and we went over things and it was so fun! Using new words (like expensive, cheep, old, new, ugly, pretty etc.) we made jokes about how ugly my thrift store bag was and how A was so young while D was so old. It was so WONDERFUL to make jokes that we actually understood and to laugh together. Praise Jesus. What a gift.

Then I came here...to write a short blog letting you know I was alive but it turned into a theraputic mess. Sorry about that. But I am alive. And all will be fine. I will occasionally break down and act like it isn't fine...but it is. It's in God hands and it is all more than fine.

Anway, better go, have to go to basketball today for E then who knows what for the rest of the day. Df is at a birthday party so I don't know when she'll be home but A has her class tonight so that gives me until at least 10:30 of peace.

Love to you.