"Just keep your head down, darling."

So I don't remember a lot of the conversation now but I told her about how hard it was for me to get used to how these people are...how I'd never been part of this world.
"You don't want to be part of it, darling." Laura said.
"No, I don't at all...that's why I don't know if I should even stay here. It doesn't seem worth it. I like kids...but I not enough to be their second mother!"
Then we talked about how she could count on one hand how many times she'd seen "her" parents go up into their rooms and tell them goodnight and she's been there six months.
"That makes me sick. I didn't sign up for this."
Which brought up the question of how much I'm being paid. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen...I am being completely screwed. After talking to Laura and Caresse, I found out the standard pay, the standard days off, so on and so forth and I'm not getting any of it. What aggravates me about this is that A knew when she hired me and discusses salary that I had no way of knowing what was acceptable. I told her that and she had to know the site I used was outdated/incorrect as she's had three other nannies, one of which I know now for a fact got twice as much as I did and she only worked three days a week! Unacceptable. I'm getting through this holiday, doing some more research (Laura and Caresse gave me some awesome sites to back myself up with), getting settled back in Istanbul then we're having a sit down.

Anyway, I asked Laura if she ever got less scared of interacting with her mom, she said no. That made me feel better to know it isn't just me who can't get past it. Laura said, "No, you'll gain more confidence but it never quite goes away...just keep your head down, darling." I don't mean to sound conceited but I don't feel like I was made to be the kind of person to "keep their head down" so I'm still praying about what God's intentions are here.

Anyway, then Laura and I met Caresse and we walked to the ski lift to catch it and meet the kids for lunch. Caresse kept saying, "I don't mean to make you feel badly but I'm very upset about your salary. Yes you're younger than is usual, yes you're inexperienced but my first job I got twice what you're being paid and I didn't even live-in. You need to talk to A. Of the moms, she seems to be one of the more reasonable, she might surprise you."
"If she's funny about it, I can get you another job...and you can tell her that."
Caresse also gave me sites to look at that talk about public transportation and churches and what not. "We'll help you, don't worry."
Laura said, "She's religious as well so hands down A has to give her Sunday off so she can go to church, she can't say no. I can help you find an English speaking church also."
I felt HOPE flooding all over my body and it was a beautiful feeling.
Caresse has lived in Turkey for years and is married to a Turkish man so she knows her way around. Laura is ballsy so she helps me feel brave. With their support, I knew I could handle this with A. I'm not worried guys, so please don't any of you be either. She NEEDS a nanny, I don't NEED to be one. Walking away wouldn't cause a problem for me like it would for her.

Laura rents from Heather (the Canadian) on the weekends and Laura said, "come and stay with us whenever you want to get away."
"I don't want to be an inconvenience."
"You wouldn't be an inconvenience...you'd just be another part of the nanny family. We have to take care of each other."
:)
God is good, huh?

Talking with them these last couple days has been so good for my heart. We've exchanged numbers and emails and Laura said when we all get back she can show me the affordable places to go shopping, we can work out together (PRAISE GOD) at her family's gym, etc. Holy cow, I can't wait to start actually LIVING a real life here. I'm sad though because Caresse is taking her first holiday in years when they get back and won't be back until the 23rd and Laura is going home for three days because her grandmother died. So I need to wait until Laura gets back at least so I will have somewhere to run in the event the talk goes south fast.

It's so strange though...I can tell the more time I spend with them that A seems to actually like me. She laughs at a lot of things I say and has broken the physical barrier...she walks up to me and rubs my arm asking how I am. The other day she called me over and said, "Caitlin, I haven't asked how you are. How are you doing here? Is everything ok?"
Yesterday was her birthday and I asked if they were doing anything as a family.
"We're having cake at 4...but you're family too, Caitlin. Please join us."
I told Laura and she was blown away...but granted, she has the absolute meanest mother. She acts more like royalty than the king and queen of Jordan! (Who I said good morning to by the way and they wished me the same!) She made sure D had given me money to pay for passes and stuff to meet the kids and he had, "Well if you're out or something, buy youself a coffee with it. Enjoy yourself. And let me know when you want some of your salary if you want to buy anything." So how can she seem to enjoy me so much yet feel so completely fine with taking advantage of me? I'm not used to people without consciences. It's kind of unsettling, really.

Anyway, since I know half of you will ask...here is a list of terms of will be discussing with A that I know she knows are completely reasonable:
1. I need to be getting paid over double what I am now.
2. On holidays like this that are over a week I need a day off a week and AT LEAST a 25% raise
3. I need all of Sundays off and Monday morning (giving me a Thursday off is like giving me a half day! The kids are in school!)
4. She should be paying for my phone...I only use it to talk to her.
And that's it for now. I'll keep you posted if anything else comes up.

Anyway, I've actually enjoyed this vacation because living with the kids...clothing, feeding, putting them to bed, waking them up, giving them medicine, etc. it enables me to establish some kind of authority and consistency.I can already see a huge improvement in E listening to me. They only problem is...this is only occuring because there's so little interference from their parents so once we go back home it's going to be that much harder...you throw in three extra caregivers (Cavit, Sirin, Vala...sometimes Yilmus) and I'm screwed. But still, I'm looking at it as a positive opportunity to lay a foundation I can build on when we get home.

What else...I went sleddingwith Caresse and some of the little kids. It was like no sledding I had ever encountered! It was just a try with a little stick jutting up between your legs to hold on to. You steered and slowed down with your heels! It was this huge hill with sharp turns and narrow roads and all that separated you and the edge of the cliff was orange tape. I don't know about you...but if I go flying through snow on a plastic TRAY, some orange tape isn't going to stop me. But it was a fun experience and I'm glad I did it.

What else...I'm eating my weight in food. Laura and I promised each other we would work out when we got back to Istanbul and in a routine. She told me one day over dinner, "Just get fat...it's our only comfort." I think I already said that but I just think it was really funny. Because it's true...even now we don't have any time to ourselves to indulge in relaxing...all we have is meals. For example, E was up the other night ALL NIGHT (so I was too of course) crying and yelling in his sleep! To the point, I thought there was something wrong and I woke him up several times only to annoy him as he apparently thought he was sleeping soundly. Yet the next day, he was exhausted so instead of skiing...he spent all day with me. Then he got a cold of course...and I was instructed to get up every couple of hours to check his fever for the past TWO NIGHTS. Even my sleep isn't mine anymore.

That's another thing that made me feel better...talking to the nannies about how weird these people are about their kids getting sick. And they get sick ALL THE TIME because they live in a bubble. To walk from the car to the door they have to put on full winter wear...they can't walk around the house witout socks on (if their feet are even a LITTLE cold, they must have a fever)...if they get hot running around they have to change immediately because sitting in their own sweat will give them a fever. Laura put it perfectly I think when she said, "for educated people, I just don't understand how they can be so stupid." And it's so true. We can't even open windows because they'll catch their death of cold yet with the heat up and their running noses and no fresh air circulating...it's like a HOT BED FOR GERMS. HELLO!?! I know it sounds like silly things...but to hear other people aknowledge that it's stupid makes you feel better about putting up with such innane things everyday.

I think that's all for now...I'm pretty much caught up. All I've been doing is eating (seriously), hanging out with Laura during the day, playing mother to the kids, and reading when I get the chance which is...almost never. Heather left today, Laura leaves tomorrow, and I think Caresse Saturday... so they're dropping like flies and I'll be left alone! Which is ok...knowing I'll be able to meet up with them in a couple of weeks is comforting and I'll need that much time to get my wits back about me when we get back so it's ok.

Love to you! We gained an hour so keep your skypes on :)