So where to start...just the highlights. I think I'll blog it in segments as the past three days have been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows it is ridiculous...
Let's start here:
I downloaded a lot of podcast sermons for taking the kids to that Turkish movie. I ended up listening to ones from Mosaic church in California. That's Erwin McManus' church (the guy who wrote Barbarian Way) and it was a series on Pslams. I love Pslams so I stuck with that one. My favorite/the one that most spoke to me was a guy who was talking about Pslam 91 and how his girlfriend has surprised him for his birthday by taking him skydiving because she remembered him saying that he wanted to before I died. He said he panicked, trying to explain that he what he said was that before he died he wanted to be THE KIND OF PERSON who went skydiving. I related. I wanted to be the KIND OF PERSON who picks up and moves to Turkey...but that is not who I am. He want on to talk about the panic he felt about the response he would get after the fact. Then he said it occured to him, "I get to decide how I tell this story." It hit me hard. "God has brought me to this point for a reason, I have a decision to make, and I get to decide how I tell this story. I get to decide if I say, 'I really wanted to but I just couldn't do it, maybe next time' or 'I was terrified but I did it and it was worth every second'"
That is the fork I am standing at now.
I felt like God was gently trying to tell me that it was time for me to suck it up and make a choice. I had had my time of self-pity and difficult adjustment, but it was time to respect the fact He had brought me here for a reason and I need to decide if I'm going to let Him in enough to mold me the way He wishes to here. Sure it is painful and it is harder than anything I have ever done...but the things most worthwhile usually are. Tears actually came to my eyes as I revelled in the fact that God had finally thrown me a bone.
That's a lie...God has thrown me more bones than I deserve. I have been given more love and support from friends, family, and total strangers from home than I could ever dream of. I have been offered advice, protection, and an odd kind of community from people here and I have felt His love through the kindness of strangers. I am so grateful for these things but I admit that I was like a child throwing a tantrum. "I know You've given me all of this, but I want more! I want you to talk to me! I want you to tell me what to do!" The response I got was the scripture of 2 Chronicles 32:31 when God withdrew himself from Hezekiah, straight up left him hanging, to "test him and know everything in his heart". Great. So finally, after this month and a half, God had said to me, "Let's decide together how you will tell this story. My beautiful child, this is not the other nannie's stories, this isn't A's story or Df's or E's. This is the STORY I have written for you and we can finish it together." I was waaay excited and so overwhelmed by the comfort of His love I thought I was now unstoppable.
That is...until I had the salary conversation with A and man, did it go south fast.
But that is another blog...
Pslam 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
I have so many angels gaurding me in all my ways..
God is so good to me.
Let's start here:
I downloaded a lot of podcast sermons for taking the kids to that Turkish movie. I ended up listening to ones from Mosaic church in California. That's Erwin McManus' church (the guy who wrote Barbarian Way) and it was a series on Pslams. I love Pslams so I stuck with that one. My favorite/the one that most spoke to me was a guy who was talking about Pslam 91 and how his girlfriend has surprised him for his birthday by taking him skydiving because she remembered him saying that he wanted to before I died. He said he panicked, trying to explain that he what he said was that before he died he wanted to be THE KIND OF PERSON who went skydiving. I related. I wanted to be the KIND OF PERSON who picks up and moves to Turkey...but that is not who I am. He want on to talk about the panic he felt about the response he would get after the fact. Then he said it occured to him, "I get to decide how I tell this story." It hit me hard. "God has brought me to this point for a reason, I have a decision to make, and I get to decide how I tell this story. I get to decide if I say, 'I really wanted to but I just couldn't do it, maybe next time' or 'I was terrified but I did it and it was worth every second'"
That is the fork I am standing at now.
I felt like God was gently trying to tell me that it was time for me to suck it up and make a choice. I had had my time of self-pity and difficult adjustment, but it was time to respect the fact He had brought me here for a reason and I need to decide if I'm going to let Him in enough to mold me the way He wishes to here. Sure it is painful and it is harder than anything I have ever done...but the things most worthwhile usually are. Tears actually came to my eyes as I revelled in the fact that God had finally thrown me a bone.
That's a lie...God has thrown me more bones than I deserve. I have been given more love and support from friends, family, and total strangers from home than I could ever dream of. I have been offered advice, protection, and an odd kind of community from people here and I have felt His love through the kindness of strangers. I am so grateful for these things but I admit that I was like a child throwing a tantrum. "I know You've given me all of this, but I want more! I want you to talk to me! I want you to tell me what to do!" The response I got was the scripture of 2 Chronicles 32:31 when God withdrew himself from Hezekiah, straight up left him hanging, to "test him and know everything in his heart". Great. So finally, after this month and a half, God had said to me, "Let's decide together how you will tell this story. My beautiful child, this is not the other nannie's stories, this isn't A's story or Df's or E's. This is the STORY I have written for you and we can finish it together." I was waaay excited and so overwhelmed by the comfort of His love I thought I was now unstoppable.
That is...until I had the salary conversation with A and man, did it go south fast.
But that is another blog...
Pslam 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
I have so many angels gaurding me in all my ways..
God is so good to me.
This shows so much insight and growth on your part. I justpicture a flurry of angels enfolding you as you continue on your journey! To the moon and back...
ReplyDeleteWell, I typed a comment and thought it was posted but I guess not. Anyway...I said I see you with a flurry of angels enfolding you as they watch over you and bring you peace and comfort in this far away land. To the moon and back....
ReplyDeletebeautiful
ReplyDeletesorry, i always feel so random leaving you comments. But...
ReplyDeleteNot that it really matters, but i think you should stick this out. You don't have to use my advice. In fact, you don't even have to really read this, but I will tell you a story anyways because i feel like you are sad and i am just that random. (and you have been nice to me so far :) )
My uncle had to move to hong kong for a job three years ago. He took my cousins with him and i missed them so terribly it wasn't even funny. I was never able to see them during the summer and they rarely came back to the states for anything. they were there for five years, and all i can remember is getting fleeting emails from them over the course of those years. at first the emails were sad and downtrodden(they are twin boys and they were 12 at the time.) because they didn't speak the language, had to live in a crowded dirty city. They couldn't make friends and they were made fun of for being from the states. They were constantly getting into fights and they turned their backs on their dad and blamed him for forcing them to live there. Fast forward. they were crying so hard and fighting it so hard when they were leaving hong kong and headed back towards the states. They had best friends, they were finally excellig in school, they knew the language, they had a new pet dog, they had family friends that loved them and a house that felt like a home. When they got back to the states all they could talk about was hong kong this and hong kong that. And even though they were so young, they remember every detail of their lives like an open paged novel. Its hard to say what the moral of the story is now, but i think my point is that sometimes we have to go places we never expected to find ourselves. And we might hate it and we might despise some of the people we meet there, and we might feel hopelessly lost without the back bone of our families and friends. But its what makes us grow.
and from the sound of your blogs, it seems like you have already found people to love.
anyways, random, and kinda incoherent, but there. :)
No no, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI agree...I have complete faith that in a month...at LEAST...
I'll look back and wonder what I was worried about.
It will be worth it...I just have to get past the yucky stuff first.
Thanks for the support, friend :)