"You Turned My Wailing Into Dancing...

...you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."
-Psalm 30:10-12

The other day A decided it would be fun for E and Df and I to bake after school one day...but of course only something healthy. What's the fun in that? So she decided on whole wheat maple syrup muffins. Df decided she was too cool to bake with us so E and I headed downstairs, put on some Rihanna, and baked away. Let me tell you...it was not easy. The recipe was in English but everything in the kitchen is not...they don't use baking soda or baking powder but instead some kind of subsititute, the oven was broken, the extra was in Celcius, Sirin was taking her day off and Elyda (that's the new girl) was doing her best to help. It was comical, I won't lie. I called Petria twice for baking/translation assistance. Finally though, we got going and they actually turned out really well! And they're healthy! No sugar, just honey and syrup. E was very proud so it was fun. And it got me excited about baking and how much more fun would it be if you were using someone else's kitchen and supplies! So I asked A today if during the day I could just bake whatever I want, healthy or not, and she said, "Oh of course, spoil yourself." (We've been doing very well together the last few days by the way) So I think next week Laura will come over and we'll make something delicious :)

What else...E and I made a craft together...I can't remember what they're called but I know you've all done it at least once in your life or had children that did. They're those little peg boards that you put little plastic beads on then melt it with an iron to form the shape and take it off the board. Well, we made two, a star and a square with an "E" in it for him to take to school. He came home yesterday and when I opened the door he had the saddest look on his face "What's wrong, bud?" He started crying immediately. "Someone broke my E!"
"Oh noo"
I got him inside, took his coat and scarf off then carried him to the couch where he sat in my lap and proceeded to tell me the whole tragic story. "I don't know how it happened but my friend was holding it and it broke! He took it home to try to fix it."
"Well, that was nice of him! What a good friend!"
"Yes, but I am very sad. Because it was very hard and I did it all by myself and now it's broken!"
He tried to stop crying but he couldn't.
"Oh, I know you did, I'm sad too. It's ok to be sad when something like this happens. You want to sit here and have a good cry about it?"
"Yes." (Sniffle sniffle) then he curled up on my chest and cried and cried. Want to know something, I was overjoyed. Not because this happened but because I was so sad for him. I can feel genuine love now for these kids and I'm glad that I share in their hurts now instead of resenting the job too much to care. God is certainly working.

After that, we had a great afternoon together. We watched some TV with a snack (an apple and one of our muffins of course), then we played some soccer, worked on his project, I bribed him with playstation to take his bath without fighting and it WORKED, he was bathed before bed, Df came home and we chatted...everything is finally falling into place. I felt like, while this experience will never be easy, I can feel in my bones now it will all be ok. Before I just knew it in my head, but that day I knew it in my heart too and was very thankful.

THEN something ever so exciting! I got to video chat with KELLY! (My Intervarsity staff worker from Flagler) and it was magical! Then my friend Kat came in and they prayed for me and it was magical too. After we talked, I sat in the silence and one of my favorite worship songs came into my head, "My God he was, my God he is, My God is always gonna be..." (Aaron Shust I believe) and I was moved to do something silly and wonderful.

I got my iPod and headed upstairs to the playroom. It's almost all windows and at night the view is staggering. It's like you're standing on top of all of Istanbul and could hold it in your hand. I only turned on my bathroom light, walked up to the platform, put on my iPod and played that song as loud as I could stand it...

and danced like a fool.

It was such an exilarting feeling. I raised my hands as high as I could to the God that is "always going to be" and I danced before him in praise of his wisdom and in gratitude for the care with which he carries out his purposes for me. I saw my shadow dancing across the walls and my reflection in the window and if I wasn't so enthralled in my dancing, I would have died laughing. Aside from looking like a hot mess...wet hair, running nose, sick panting in between lyrics...I looked like a convulsing animal. But it was worth it. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been reading in Purpose Driven Life about worship that pleases the Lord and I could FEEL as I danced around like crazy, pumping arms and howling lyrics on top of Istanbul, Turkey, that as STUPID as I looked, what I was doing was beautiful in the eyes of the Lord and he was pleased with me. In fact, he was probably wondering what had taken me so long? This God is so big guys, so BIG. He's so big that he knows that I'm so FREAKING stubborn it would take removing me from all confidence-boosting, comfort-securing, loving surroundings I've ever known to teach me what it means to live in community with HIM. Not me and other people and the God we praise together but just me and my God and the relationship he desires for us to have together.

I felt his presence around me so strongly that when I finished panting I begged him out loud, "Please, don't leave yet. Not yet" The goosebumps told me, "My beautiful child, you know I never leave you." Then I walked up to the windows and prayed over Istanbul, outloud right then and there. "I'm sorry Father that I put you into an American box, that I let myself think that this place was too dark, even for you. But you are everywhere, you are in the kindness of strangers you've showered me with, you are in the love growing between me and the kids, the respect growing between me and A, the commraderie growing between me and the other nannies and Sirin, Cavit, and Elyda. You are in this house and your hand is on this city, and I claim Istanbul in your name. No more running or making excuses, no more hiding my light under a bushel. I'm ready to learn what faith really means and I'm sorry I've limited who you are in my mind when you've tried to prove to me over and over again that nothing is too big for you. Istanbul is yours and so am I."

I went to bed that night feeling completely rejuvenated. As I was praying, I asked God, "Ok, that felt like real worship. And it felt like real worship because I felt your pleasure. So how can I let my life be a worship that pleases you?" See, we fool ourselves into thinking that worship is for us or about us, but it's not. It's supposed to be a selfless act about pleasing the Lord...when we leave a service and say, "Man, worship was great for me today," it doesn't make any sense. It's supposed to be when we lay ourselves down and the feet of the Lord...0% us, 100% him. I haven't been doing that...in worship or in my life. The answer I recieved was simple but made sense. Three words.
"Like a child."
Everything fell into place. Last summer before fall semester was kind of tough and when I journaled or prayed, I called it the Summer of Children. The only work I could find was nannying a three year old boy which frequently proved to be a challenge, I was a VBS leader for pre-schoolers (a new kind of challenge) and the mission trip I went on was centered about Mexican children. I couldn't figure out what was up with all the children! When I found about Turkey, I still wondered how it had been preparation but now I know.
All summer I was amazed by the blind trust of children and the untainted love they can give.
"Love me like a child, Caitlin. Love me with complete trust without complete understanding. Love me like you'll follow me anywhere because you are my child and I only have greats plan for you. Love me like you've never been hurt, never experienced doubt, never felt alone...love me like you know I am bigger than all of those things."
So that was that :) I'm asking that he show me what that kind of worship should like in my everyday life so if you all wouldn't mind praying for that too...that'd be great :)

What else...I'm finally starting to get over this cold/flu thing which is good. But I feel like I nasty Fatty Fatterson from being cooped up in the house for five days and doing nothing but eating. Yesterday, I finally got out. Cavit took me to Laura's and we walked to a travel agency (she's trying to plan a trip to Morocco) then we walked to her bosses' gym which she's allowed to use. I couldn't exercise quite yet but it was exciting to go and see that there is hope for me to get back in shape. We're going to try to go about three times a week if we can. Then we came back to her house, fixed some lunch, watched a sitcom, and I came back. It was such a nice break. I was so pumped too because I was thinking how Wednesday (today) would be great too. Laura and I were planning on going to our Turkish lesson then heading over to Taksim (where I haven't been yet) to sight see and shop a bit. UNTIL...E was complaining at dinner that he didn't want to eat because his tummy hurt.

No one, including A and D (who were trying to get ready for a ball), believed him and made him eat anyway. Then we felt his stomach and it was hard and we thought it was a poop problem so we made him eat some salad, an apple, and some dried apricots. Everything was fine, they left, Oksan (D's aunt who I really like) was visiting and helped put the kids to bed then as she was with Df, E came out and told me he had burped and it didn't feel right. As he was explaining this, he suddenly just threw up. On the floor and in the sink...couldn't quiet make it to the toilet unfortunately. "Didn't I say it?" He asked afterwards. Oksan and I, "You sure did, bet you feel better now don't you?"
"Very good."
We put him back to bed and then Oksan got ready to go. We talked a bit and I reveled in the warmth of her company. She calls me "Caitlin dear" and asked how my Aunt Ann and Doug were doing in Germany even though she had only met them once. I told her they loved Sira and Korkut deeply and Oksan got the same sadness they all got when the name came up, "I wish you could have met her, she was wonderful."
"I have no doubt. That's all I hear." She was about to cry and said she had to leave so I walked her out and she said, "if you ever need anything, you let me know."
"I might actually take you up on that."
"Please do, good night Caitlin dear, it was nice to see you again."

Then I called A, told her he said he felt good after he threw up, the vomit was literally only his dinner, he had no fever, said he wanted to stay home from school but play wii..."So I think he's fine and can go to school."
"Yes, I agree with you. Thankyou so much for calling." I didn't expect that.
So I was thinking I was home free until he threw up again and I called A and they left right away. They came home and checked on him and he was being so good about it. A wanted him to sleep with her but she said he wanted to sleep in his own bed. He threw up again later so we decided it wasn't just a bad meal and he hadn't slept well so he'd stay home. I wasn't upset with E obviously but sad about my day gone...and I can't have another lesson until next Wednesday. He threw up one more time after that then slept restlessly. I'd hear him rustle or yell and get up and run back in and he'd be sound asleep. I probably slept about 2 then got up with Df at 7. E got up shortly after and had diaharrea(ed) all over his pjs and underwear and cleaned and changed himself, God bless him. I got Df off to school, fixed E some toast and we put in WallE upstairs. I fell asleep and he came and crawled on top of me, "Caitlin, I love you," he said in Turkish, then kissed my cheek. If I wasn't so exhausted, I think my heart would have melted.

That's how A found us later, she stayed with us, checked his temp (still no fever), watched some TV, worked on his project together, chatted about my new desire to bake, what she wanted my dad to send her from home, then we ate lunch, E threw some kind of fit (mostly bc I think he's exhausted and hadn't eaten all day so I wasn't mad) then she left for work. Now he's passed out on the couch, I'm blogging, and hoping the rest of the day will be fairly smooth. After he gets his wits about him again, I'll make him work on his project. Help Df with her homework when she gets home, get them in bed early bc its A's class tonight and D is going to a futbol game, then I have a skype date with Alexandra! Yay!

I'm really he's going to school tomorrow...he's kept his lunch down and A said he's going. So my day off should be safe. I plan on sleeping late, getting up and getting clean and looking like a feminine human for a day, meeting Laura, visiting Petria, then going to Dawn's for dinner!!! Then the girls' apartment that she's introducing me too for a bible study at 6 oclock! How great is that?! I think Dawn's going to try to teach me some bus stuff too. I almost bit the bullet the other day and rode one but Cavit saved me. I will eventually have to suck it up and do it though. Well, we'll see....anyway lots of love to you.
I'll leave some pictures with and the last of the Shack quotes I liked...I finished it two days ago.

Mack: "You're not too fond of religion and institutions?"
Jesus: "I don't create institutions- never have, never will,"

"Stories about a person willing to exchange their life for another are a golden thread in your world, revealing both your need and my heart." -God

"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doens't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

Mack: "Why do you love someone who is such a screw-up? After all the things I've felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?"
God: "Because that is what love does, remember, I don't wonder what you will do or what choices you will make. I already know."

"It's not about feeling guilty. Guilt'll never help you find freedom in me. The best it can do is make you try harder to conform to some ethic on the outside. I'm about the inside."

"Nobody knows what horrors I have saved the world from cause people can't see what never happened..."

"Emotions are the colors of the soul, they are spectacular and incredible."

"If anything matters, then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes, every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again."

Ok from top to bottom: Df's drama show- they did a number from Oliver Twist. Her drama teacher was super nice too and we might get together soon.

Under that is the Andolu Hisari (http://www.istanbulhotelreservations.com/istanbul/anatoliancastle.htm) check that out for some history. E needed to take pictures of it for a project.

Under that is the side of it where they've built a restaurant. Typical Turks...building everything right up and into ancient structures!

Next E and Karamel and I

Bottom-the road I would take to walk to Laura's house, it's not an ugly walk.

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed,

what God has planned

I only know at His right hand

Stands One who is my Savior

I take Him at his word and deed

Christ died to save me this I read

And in my heart I find a need

For Him to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, but once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, my Savior lives

My Savior's always there for me

My God He was, my God He is

My God He's always gonna be

Yes, living, dying; let me bring

My strength, my solace from this spring

That He who lives to be my King

Once died to be my Savior .

-Aaron Shust, "My Savior, My God"