Finito Capito

So things are good. My friend Kelly said she used the declining frequency of the blogs as an indicator to the improvement of the situation..and it is. My days are finally full of things other than laying around the house feeling lost and confused haha. Laura and I work out whatever mornings we can...usually starting right after we get the kids off to school then run on the University track. We have to do it early in the morning though or the security gaurds starting asking for IDs after 8:15. Then we walk to her boss' gym and have a workout there then either visit Patria in Kavacik after, picking up whatever we need for the kids/ourselves, or getting stuff done at the house.

I've met some friends through her that we do things with now and I've met some on my own as well. The teacher of Df's I met from New York and I are meeting tomorrow I believe for lunch and a guy my family and I met last time we were in Turkey got in touch with me so we might get together soon. I haven't decided. It's nice...I finally feel like I'm doing this and doing it well. I have a good relationship with the kids, I'm learning my way around area, I'm starting to feel a LITTLE bit more comfortable with A and D. Don't get me wrong, it's by no means easy and some days still suck real bad...but I can take them in stride knowing the next day will probably be better.

I've made a conscious decision to be more loving to A. God has been talking to me about the fact that my name is written on his heart...the least I could do is attempt to live as though his is written on mine. Yeah, I don't really understand A, and most days (to be honest) I don't really even like her that much...but that isn't the point. I believe it was Paul who said, "They will know us by our love." How can I be here proclaiming to be something I am not acting out. Christianity isn't a philosophy, it's a lifestyle. I can't put it down when it's hard and pick it up when I feel like it. Right now, it's just baby steps. I force myself not to avoid her the nights she's home or sneak out in the mornings if she's awake. I ask her what she has going on during the day in the mornings and I try to follow up at night. I try to care for her with the same nature I use with the kids...loving them and trying to forgive them for the way they behave, cutting some slack for the fact they are only children. A is very much a child herself in some ways. I figure, the more I force myself to do it, the more rewarding it will become, and eventually it won't be forced. That's my prayer anyway.

E has been home with a fever today and yesterday. Yesterday was fine but today is kicking my butt. I got up at 1:30 and 4:30 to check on him this morning than Df woke me up at 5 with a bad dream so I put her back to bed and stayed with her for a little bit. Then at 5:45 she asked me what time it was, could she get up for school. When I said no she went to her parents room then she (and E) woke up at 6:15. D apparently couldn't sleep either because I heard him walking above my head and running water at 6. So I've been up since a little before 5 more or less and I'm exhausted. And the second day fever stay is always the worst because by now he's feeling better and wants to run around and stuff but I have nothing in me to give him...AND he gets all pissy when I try to stop him because his fever will go back up.

I'm feeling a little crazy after being cooped up for two days. I've gotten used to going out and now it feels like I've been here for weeks. I missed going to the market with Laura (that we've been trying to go to for over a months now) and my Turkish lesson (again). But such is the life of a nanny. I'm learning to live in the moment...that plans can be broken and you just have to role with the punches. It's good for me...I always way too committed to time and plans. I had been planning on asking A if I could just get the kids up in the morning, have my my day off start after that, so that I could stay out all Thursday night, sleep at Patria's, and be back by the time they're home on Friday. Even when I can sleep in, I never do because Df wants to know where her USB chord is at 7:30 or E is screaming on his way out the door, or A is yelling down to Elyda at 9. I never feel rested here. I was talking about this at Patria's and she just rubbed my back, "You need to stay here one night. Look at your face, you're exhausted and they're driving you crazy". It's true. I'm afraid I'll start resenting them for these things if I don't get out. Anyway, I thought it was a great plan because then I could actually go out at night...but I decided against it since I'm so tired now and, as much as it annoys me to say it, appear to be getting a piece of what is going around...D and A have colds now and E has this fever. I already started pumping the Emergenc-C and Thera Flu because to be sick again would be absolutely absurd. But I need to sleep as much as I can and going out Thursday night with Laura certainly wouldn't be condusive to that. Maybe in three weeks. Because NEXT Thursday I'm going to work since my parents come on FRIDAY!!! Yay! Then I have that week off til they leave on the 9, then we (as in A,D,E, Df, and I) leave on the 10th to go to London so....It'll be a bit before I have a day off. I think I'll just take it easy tomorrow and get to bed early.

On the way back from the doctor yesterday A offered to have a driver go and get mom and dad from the airport! I told her repeatedly not to feel obligated that they don't expect it but she kept saying, "No, it will be nice for them...and I offered". The newly developed street smart (hahaha) side of me is 98% certain her enthusiasm has a lot to do with impressing my family so they don't take me away but for the sake of being loving...I'm really trying to hold on to the 2% possibility she just wants to do something nice for my family because she cares about me. She also offered to help us make a program of things to do, places to eat, things to see, etc. while they're here. I told her I wanted to take the kids out with us one day if they were ok with that. I know they like the Museum of Modern Art and I wanted to go there with my family anyway so I could take them along. Then Mom and Dad would get to know the kids and I'd still be spending some time with them...because honestly, I'll miss them being gone for a week. And on the smart side of things, if I don't pop in every once in a while and exert some authority (haha), being gone a week then spending a week in London is going to suck bad. Always thinking :) She said that would be nice. I also suggested dying Easter eggs with the kids or planting flowers and what not and she said that would be nice also. She suggested an Easter brunch for all of us at the house so we'll see. I'm so excited for them to be here, I can hardly stand it.

I'm also trying to be more aware of myself regarding my relationship with Laura. I've been so stuck on doing the right thing with the family, I didn't even consider what God could do through the other people I'm meeting. I don't mean me either...I don't feel like I'm bringing some great wisdom or anything to them, but taking a lot of away. The other day, we were walking back from the gym and Laura said, "So educate me."
"on what?"
"On religion. Tell me something interesting about being a Christian"
I was immediately hit with feelings of inadequacy and being ill-prepared and word vommited a bit. Then I stammered out, "Well, I just finished reading Job"
Great Caitlin...start her off with JOB.
"Ok, tell me about it."
So I told her the story and she asked me questions and I finished with, "So I suppose if Job can endure all of that, then I can certainly live in Turkey for 8 months without complaint."

Later, we were eating at her house, and I was just about to complain about how TIGHT my family is. I asked Cavit to buy me green grapes and he said he couldn't because they were expensive this time of year and they were only given so much for groceries. I wasn't upset I couldn't get grapes, I was bothered at the fact they will spend 40 lira on Maple Syrup but are that tight with what they'll give people. It's ridiculous. But I closed my mouth as I opened it and Laura smiled at me and said, "Job, Caitlin. Job." So there you have it.

See? I should be excited about these things! Instead, I'm too busy with self-pity or negativity and THAT'S what I've been showing to Laura and the people I meet. Here I am complaining about how hard it is not meeting other Christians and oh I want to go to church, blah blah blah. But why? What God am I serving? Or rather, what God am I portraying to people who don't know him when I claim to be a follower yet all I do is whine and resent. Unacceptable. And also...it's just not me. So I quit. I'm taking the bull by the horns. Who I am under all of this, hates who I've been since I've been here. No more. As E says, "Finito Capito".

Well, I think I've rambled enough. I hope this finds you all well and joyful.
Love to you.

Stop right there.
That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line.
Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there.
Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,I
would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been'cause who I've been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again'
cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
-Relient K "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"