Saturdays, what a day, what a silly little day...

So everyone is asking about church last Sunday. I could go into detail about the nightmare getting there and back was, but you wouldn't understand it anyway because a bus to Uskadar, a ferry to Besiktas, a bus to Taksim (hour church service), walk down Taksim main street, to ferry (wrong ferry) so metro to new ferry, ferry to Emininou, bus to Anadolou Hisari, walk to Kandilli iskili (port), calling Cavit out of desperation and pain from heels...wouldn't mean anything to you.

Luckily, when I didn't get home until after 1 (ater leaving the house at 7:30am), she wasn't as angry as I was expecting...and she didn't tell me I couldn't go again. But she did talk to me like I was an idiot. Which is fine, I just listened like I would take her advice then decided to figure it out on my own later. She always tells me to just take a taxi but they're expensive and it's a long way. I know there's a better way, I just have to figure it out.

The service was good. It's held in the old Dutch Consulate building and has been since 1857! So it's beautiful on the inside- one small sanctuary with old wooden pews. Honestly, I can't remember much because by the time I sat down, I was so exhausted by the whole ordeal I was about to fall asleep. I teared up again when we started singing hymms...I'm such an emotional mess in this place. I can't remember much about the service either except to say it confirmed some things I think God was starting to tell me at the bible study three nights before. It's quite simple really...He wants to change my heart to be more like his. The point of responsibility for our actions/attitude came up often. Like when we act on feelings of anger or annoyance, we're quick to say, "Well, if he hadn't done that to me" or "if she hadn't said that to me, I wouldn't have reacted that way" when in reality. No one, no matter what they say or do to you, MAKES you respond in any sort of way. It's just a product of what's in your own heart.

God elaborated on that for me last Thursday. For my day off, I just wanted to take a ME day. I slept, got up and fixed myself a delicious breakfast, read my chapter in Purpose Driven Life, took the ferry over to Bebek, treated myself to waffle (complete with chocolate, strawberries, and bananas), walked all the way down the sea road, looked in some shops, bought some postcards, sat in Starbucks with a hot chocolate and wrote a letter, then took the ferry back to Anadolu Hisari (the neighborhood next to me where Laura lives) and from there the bus to Kavacik (where Patria lives to give her a birthday card I had made) and from there a bus to Kadikoy to meet Julie and Juliana for bible study. The whole time, I closed myself off to Turkey with my iPod, listening to some praise music. As I was riding the ferry something hit me. I can only love people who love me. I only want to serve people who will serve me back. That isn't what the Lord calls us to do. I confessed to God, I love the people who appreciate it, the ones who know they need it, but what of the ones who make it impossible, who don't think they need love, the ones who spit in my face and live in darkness, rejecting my light? Them, I have absolutely no interest in loving at all. Actual tears came to my eyes and all I could say was, "I'm so sorry. These are your people and I want nothing to do with them. What does that say of my love for YOU? I am so, so deeply sorry."

Then more that night at bible study. I don'tknow the book they're reading but they gave me a copy to look at it and I skimmed as they discussed it. There was something about our attitude in prayer that really caught my attention. "When you're prayer attitude becomes self-centered, it also affects the God you're praying too." I mean, think about it. I sit there and I say, "Lord, please give me this, please make that easier, please change this, please show me that..." It's like I'm talking to a gumball machine who is just supposed to make my life Happy La La Land. If I was serving a God that didn't allow me to be challenged so that I might grow, a God that didn't want me to be exposed to the hurts he feels or the love he has for his people, what kind of God would that be? Yes, before Jesus was crucified, he said "Do I have to do this?" but he didn't get up and walk away, he said "But if this glorifies you Father, then let it be." This should be my attitude in Turkey and in life.

Will it be hard? Often. Will it be painful? Sometimes. Will I regret it? Never.

Anyway, enough about that. Life is becoming a blur. Days fade into the others and though so much as happened, I don't even know what to blog about. How about I just promise to sit down and a tea with you over it one day in a cafe?

Hmmm. Laura and I started working out. I am so SORE today! Now that I'm thinking about it, it's been over TWO months since I had any kind of active lifestyle at all. No wonder I always feel like crap. I'm trying to make my days busier and get out more to avoid the lethargic, yucky feeling. Yesterday, after the work out, Dawn and I went to a mall for lunch and shopped around. I've been trying so hard to restrain myself from buying all the things I have my eye on...there's some beautiful European stores here...because I can't justify spending the money I fought A so hard on when I can only wear them out once a week. That and everything seems so expensive here! I really need some kind of jewelry holder since I just brought them here in a plastic bag. I finally found what I was looking for at a Claire's (haha how American) and it was 30 leera! I did buy a sweater though and a lovely coat that was 70% off from Katton so I was absurdly excited about that. It made me feel like I was having a normal life, doing normal 20 year old things. I never feel my age here anymore...

I'm quite tired to be honest with you...I just want Monday to get here. E didn't get home until late last night from a futbol match with his dad. He was in bed at 11 which means I was in bed at 12 and he got up at 7. I've been with him all day and now he's at Laura's house with the youngest and we're waiting for Laura to get home with the oldest so I'm blogging because I made the silly mistake of thinking I would't need my book today. Hopefully, we'll be here til about seven, then by the time we get home A and D will be going out soon so I'll just have to get the kids in bed, hoping for 9:30, then retire early. Though I know I want...I know I'll skype or watch a movie because I'll just want to do something mindless and quiet.

Then tomorrow...yikes, I don't know what A will want. I'm not a huge fan of Sundays...which is a shame since they're supposed to be the Sabbath. But once I get through that...I can get back to forming the shell of a normal life in my free time during the weeks.

Mom and Dad are for sure coming in just THREE WEEKS! I'm so excited I can barely stand it! I can't WAIT for them to see where I live and the house I work in and the family I work for...and then I can't wait to get away from all of that for a week and stay in the hotel with them and experience warmth and laughter and human contact. It will be magical and soul lifting. I mentioned it to A today, she didn't seem very happy about it but I don't care. She already said I could have the time off. And D is pretty light-hearted about it and Korkut said he can't wait to see Aunt Ann and Doug...and he said it in front of A so I'm glad. I want her to remember it matters to somebody besides me. Maybe then she'll lighten up. Whatever, I can't wait!

Ok...that's enough for now. I think Laura is on her way home so I'll go.
Love to you.