A Hole In My Pocket

Well friends, are down two 22 days.
I can hardly believe it.
And now, just like a girl, I am getting all emotionally conflicted about it.

Obviously, not enough to wish I was staying longer, let's be honest...but enough to be thankful for it. It makes me think of that William Faulkner quote: "Given the choice between nothing and grief, I would choose grief" or something along those lines. I feel like the subtle sadness I am feeling lately is a good sign...it means that I didn't become as hard-hearted or closed off as I had feared, that this place and this experience touched some place inside of me enough that I hurt a little to leave it. I am glad of that.

It's in little things, like looking up at my Wall-o-Joy at night in my closet and knowing I will have to tear it all down soon, standing out on the terrace and watching the lights change colors on the bridge at night and the boats all lit up, ferrying people back and fourth, announcing themselves with abnoxious horns that still remind me of huge farts. I can see my bus stop from the top floor and the rickety buses chug up and down in this city that never sleeps. I've never lived in the "big city", let alone the 5th biggest city in the world. Adapting and learning and exploring and hurting and rejoicing in its absurd flaws and hidden beauties has turned my whole world around...and I kind of like it. We have a love/hate relationship, Istanbul and I. Much like the one I share with my living situation.

Knowing I'm leaving so soon and will no longer have to tolerate what I have to tolerate here, is making it far more difficult than I anticipated to continue to do so. Some days, it's twice as hard as it used to be to get through a normal day. Just this past week I found myself experiencing anger which turned to rage, sorrow which turned to unexplained tears, joy that turned to unexplained laughter, freakish closeness to friends that turned to slight depression when I realized I was seeing them for the last time, frustration that turned to blatant apathy, guilt which turned to over-working...it's been ridiculous. It was only seven months, but I'm realizing what a big part of my life this has been, and I think walking away from it will take more of a toll on me than I thought.

On the other hand, it doesn't change the fact that I cannot WAIT to go home! The idea of getting on a plane by MYSELF sounds incredible. Mom says the plans for the welcome home festivities are coming along well and the idea of seeing so many friends at once seems very surreal. And it's only THREE WEEKS AWAY! WHAAAAAAAAT?!

So yesterday, I packed all the BIG bags for the kids and myself...each of them had a massive one to themselves and I packed in my bazaar duffle bag. We sent the big stuff along with Yilmaz and Elyda who left for Bodrum early this morning. We're bringing the rest with us Monday in smaller bags. That way, they will have plenty of luggage to use for their various trips while there. We leave early Monday morning and I have no idea what is going on between then and now. After about four days we'll go for a week around the Greek Isles with some of their friends and then like a DAY after we get back from that, Dodd will be there! I know it's true in my head, but I can't picture her and I being here, in this situation together, to save my life. It's all so crazy.

Then, as it is now official, I got D to change my flight time from Bodrum from the night of the 20th to the morning of the 20th (I know, huge improvement). So I'll come back here and my plan is to visit what friends I can and stay up all night packing so I will sleep well on the plane. I still need to get some Turkish Delight so it will be fresh coming home and some other nik naks I'd like to have on hand for gifts. Then my flight is around 11am on the 21, I get to Chicago around 7 pm (US time) then ATL around 10pm. The next two days will be a whirlwind of joy and friends and confusion, then intense cleaning out and packing and prep to move into the house, then Mom, Dad, (and possibly Sydney!) will drive down around the 27 or so to move me in. I start class on the 2nd! There will be no transition time. Maybe that is good?

My last day off was a perfect finish. I got off around 5:30 and headed to Taksim. (Thankfully, I crossed to the other side on the boat with Eren. so much easier!) Where I ran some errands (got dollars to give Cavit back as change for the Victoria's Secret mess, exchanged money, bought kontor-extra so Dodd will have some and printed the pictures for the album I'm making the Arikoglu's). I printed one of Laura and I as well and put in a frame for her. She loved it! I met up with her after and we exchanged gifts. She gave me the chrystal here that means friendship and another that strengthens understanding, which we agreed we both needed after working here. She had the same for herself so will both wear them!

Then we grabbed some kumpir and caught up, met up with Levent and Caresse and some of her friends for drinks. Then I slept at Levent's (against my will really) and got up early the next morning to head BACK to Asia to meet Julianna and two of her friends for a TURKISH BATH! It would take too long to give all the details I'd like and my battery is dying, but let me just say, that I loved it and am going to force everyone else I know to do it if I ever get to come back with friends/family. Then we chatted over lunch and they asked me a bunch of questions about my job. It felt so good to laugh about the ridiculousness of everything with Americans. It made me even more excited to come home because I realized how theraputic talking about it will be. It'll solidify the fact that I wasn't the crazy one.

Then I wondered around for a bit before heading BACK to Europe to meet Aunt Ann's friend who is Damar's cousin's wife. She had been wanting to check in on me and it had never worked out. But sitting and talking with her and her husband was so unexplainably fun. He introducded himself as the "working Arikoglu" followed by "that's not true, Korkut works very hard. He still goes to the farm every morning" to which Nevin (the wife) responded, "Someone has to work yani!" (Yani in this case meaning, "well my gosh") They were so down to earth and fun-loving it restored my faith in the Turkish people...sometime I get a little jaded. We decided, for several reason, we'd keep the meeting between us so I ran off to the iskele to meet E to take him to Laura's. Laura and I spent the night chatting while the boys played trying to scheme a way to see each other before I leave...but it appears to be virtually impossible. So when I left she just said, "Let's not say goodbye ok" and I said, "because it's not really goodbye."
"Right, love you loads."
And that was that.

Anyway, not I'm blogging since I plugged E and his cousin (who I can't stand) in front of the playstaion and Df is watching Turkish TV. But lunch is coming so I must go.

Love from Turkey,
Caitlin