Today I think it's really stupid that they ring the doorbell to enter their OWN home.
Today I'm really annoyed at how HOT they keep their house and that I literally sit in my own sweat ALL DAY. As I type, I am wedged between my bed and the wall on my floor, trying to cool off on THE TILES.
Today, I'm upset that A just popped in and when she heard my voice she said, "Oh, you sound really mellow."
"It's just one of those days. I'm really tired."
"Oh?" and is confused because she can't imagine why my job would be trying...yet it's trying enough she CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DO IT HERSELF.
Today, I am sad she told me that since her wedding day, she hasn't woken up to D beside her.
Today it really irritates me that I can't correct E's horribly annoying habit of laying on the table with his elbows when he eats because his father does the same thing.
Today I fell asleep on the porch and woke up to five Turkish men from next door just standing over me...I am sick of being stared at. I don't even look overtly NON-TURKISH!
Today I am sad Laura is gone on holiday and that half of my friends left for the summer.
Today A and D had a disagreement over his birthday and she purposefully did it in English which makes me really uncomfortable...
I think she's starting to get jealous. The feeling only crept up yesterday and it will probably pass and it's based on really tiny things...but it's how I feel.
Yesterday, she was complimenting me a lot...right down to the fit of my shorts...always a bad sign. Then, she reacted really strangely to Df's new obsession with my friend Charry. (It's really bizarre actually...because all the things she loves about Charry are what IIII love about Charry...she says she is very kind and gentle and sweet...which is all incredibly true, but how does she know these things?) Anyway, she was home sick yesterday so they got to skype and Df was really excited about it.
"Guess what?! Today I talked to Charry!!!"
A frowns, "Charry? Who the hell is Charry?"
"She's a friend from home." I say.
"Why is that her name?"
"She's Philopino and Americans can't pronounce her real name."
Df proceeds to tell her Charry's birth given name and why she changed it.
I tell her how funny it was how excited she was about it and how I wasn't even there, I played with E and they just talked and talked. Still frowning. (My thought is that it confuses her Df would take such an interest in my friends and my life but not A's...although, she doesn't appear to have any true friends to speak of)
Then, when E heard news at dinner he was excited about, he reached over and hugged and kissed me...not his mother. Etc. Tiny things like that but enough that I caught glimpses on her face that made me feel uneasy. I prayed that God would continue to direct our relationship and give me discernment between her feeling convicted and me overstepping. I would appreciate it if you did the same.
One of my best and dearest friends might take my job...she knows what it entails but today, I feel like I love her too much to let her do it...even though I think she would be really great at it. But how can I, in good conscious, let people I love walk into this, when I say over and over...this is not the kind of life I would wish on anyone. Living IN a family, but completely excluded from it. No privacy, no respect, no interest in your life, no life of your own and no chance at building one on one day a week, underpaid, underappreciated, responsibility waaaay beyond your years, surrounded by emptiness, materialism, and manipulation. Some days it makes me feel physically sick. Which makes me wonder, when I'm talking it up to her, is it for the right reasons? I just recently realized how much of my heart I've put into these kids and it kills me leaving them with someone who wouldn't do the same. But is it worth it? I say it is, but that's because I think I've been super jaded after being here for 5 months (yes, FIVE months)- my skin is thicker so I think my perception of what is ok is a little off. Like I say, "I'm ok with my life here." but we all know, I'm really not. Signing someone else up for a YEAR of that? I don't think so.
Anyway...now I'm rambling.
Today was an off day.
This has nothing to do with anything, I just really like this picture.
This is Cavit and Sirin on our super crazy night out.
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