"Living in this House is FULL On"-Suzzie

"Working in this house is full on. You have to be quite a strong person to live among this because the hierarchy mentality and shallowness and jealousy starts to chip away at you and bit by bit, you can really go a bit mad. I just wanted to take you aside and tell you that when you feel like you're going crazy...it isn't you."
"Ah good to know."

And so began my conversation with Suzzie. The Austrialian Tango Dancer who came before Daisy (the one they hated). They loved Suzzie though and I see why. Cavit told me she has a big heart...and I can see that too. She certainly did have the advantage though in being able to speak Turkish. She told me Sirin and Cavit and Elyda are all raving about my parents, that they were the warmest people. It's true, they are. Poor Cavit...he can't say "Cathy" to save his life. It's just..."Catfee".

So anyway...we had a really wonderful conversation about A.
I was telling her that there are really several things I admire about her and she said...
"No, I really quite love A. But she's f***ing pyscho." and I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

We did lots of comparisons and it affirmed some of the things I was feeling myself. That once they get off Turkish soil, A (especially) is suddenly much more laid back...almost cool even. But once we step back on land...it's like it's back to the "I am in charge, you are my slave"mentality. She yelled for like two days straight at everyone when she came back from New York! It's soo true though...the atmosphere among the elite is so oppressive. I don't know if it's just Turkey or everywhere. There's so much show and shine...it's quite sad.

I had that realization on the way back from London when I was thinking about some of the fits A threw. Then it was like a light bulb went off... When your whole life, all you know is self-serving, why would it ever occur to you that the people around you aren't there to make your life more comfortable. And when pleasure is the highest thing you can seek...imagine what your sense of self and purpose must be. How empty. And I was suddenly very sad. To my dissapointment though, the compassion left as quickly as it came so Suzzie was a godsend.

I don't feel that posting everything we discussed would be exactly respectful to A. She isn't some character in a book for our viewing pleasure...she is a real person and I need to try harder to respect that. I will just say that Suzzie gave me a lot more insight into her life and it was the insight I needed to see her more as the Lord sees her...a broken and vulnerable child, just like the rest of us. So I've made some resolutions...
-Approach A with more unconditional love
-Stop avoiding the chances for quality time when they are presented
-And stop making faces or talking poorly about her with Sirin, Cavit, and Elyda. If I'm going to decide to "love" her, I can't only do it to her face

Also, something else encouraging was Suzzie's reminder that now with Sira gone (Damar's mother and the woman that set this up with my aunt- they were very close and she was wonderful and I would have loved to have met her) the kids are the light and the warmth of this house and family.

I've spent all this time complaining to God about how he put me in a situation where I have no gifts...how am I supposed to serve him like this when I have nothing to give? Then he reminded me gently that I had felt convicted once upon a time that something he graciously gifted me with was recogonizing the best in others and nurturing it. This is the most I've been stretched and I've never worked with children in this capacity, but that is essentially what I feel called to do...with the Lord's help, guide their steps and nurture the kindness and warmth that the world they live in will inevitably stomp out if it isn't strengthened. It's super hard...and I am not equipped to do it...but that's why God puts thorns in our side, so we remember how much we need him and don't get too far ahead of ourselves...which I am prone to do.

So that was a real Godsend...and I've really been working hard trying to put it into practice and I can see little ways it has paid off. One of the biggest, though it may seem small to you was the other night...

Df has taken it upon herself to stop sleeping through the night...I won't go into it because it only makes me angry at this point (it's been going on for over three weeks) but I've started her on Matilda which she really likes and I make it a special thing we do together before bed so her mind is distracted before she sleeps. Well on this particular night, Df asked me to just lay in bed next to her because it would be easier...I say no because I usually just sit on the edge but she convinces me so I'm laying next to her and A walks in and says, "you are curled up in her bed with your clothes on" and her voice is just dripping with disgust. All I could think was well yeah, I feel like it would be really inappropriate if I didn't have my clothes on. So I just kind of look at her with a questioning look on my face.

"You were wearing those clothes all day and you were outside them and...UCK" followed with a shaking of her whole body. So I go to get up but I am positive I had a look on my face that said, "This is a whole new form of stupid" So she asks, "Would you do that home?"
"Get in a bed with my clothes on? Yes."
"Americans are more relaxed about those things aren't they?"
"Yeah...we don't worry about all the possibilities of germs as much...we're not scared of sweat either. (I had to add that...it drives me nuts) Our kids don't wear undershirts and we don't think it makes us sick"
"Do you get in bed with your shoes on? Because they do it in the movies."
"No...that doesn't even make sense. That's actual dirt..."
She pauses. "I guess we are kind of uptight about those things aren't we?"
I couldn't believe it. A tiny concession.
"My mother for instance" she says, "Won't let any one in her room with their shoes on, but I'm not like that at all. So maybe Df, the next generation, will be more relaxed"
"Maybe..that would be nice." What do you say to that?
"Ok, go ahead."
"No, it's ok. I appreciate when you tell me these things because otherwise I won't know they are a problem since my mind doesn't think like that. I know yours does and I try to respect thatso if it makes you uncomfortable I won't do it."
"No, it's ok, we can be more relaxed."

Now, I know this seems small...but I can gaurentee you if that had happened in the first two months...it would have been yelling and that's it. I probably wouldn't even have spoken.

Then that same night, after I put Df to bed, she asked me to watch a movie. I told I had to shower and I had already seen what she was watching...so she told me to shower quickly and chose another one! Considering it was one of the worst, most vulgar movies I have ever seen, I was surprisingly comfortable. It wasn't like last time at all. We shared food and opinions and it's annoyingly clear there is little we agree on in the ways of the world, but we were comfortable in each other's presense. That is huge.

Anyway...I've been writing this over the course of like 5 hours so I've really lost my train of thought. I should just go to bed. Between writings, Df made me a painting that said Best Friends Forever. Bless her. And I videochatted with David Cotrone which was super exciting. He told me how IV Leadership retreat and it made me waaaay jealous I wasn't there and even more pumped to come back and start next semester...but I MUST live in the present.

Ok...love to you from Turkey.